Monday, January 23, 2012

Explanation

I've got a fixed, forward stare and
I don't miss anything behind me,
Including myself.

explanation: During tough times, I keep looking forward. But I also realize that I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm stronger. So I don't miss the weaker person.


I'm slowly losing faith in the consistency of
what my senses can experience.
God's voice has become clearer in this loss.
Still, it is only a whisper.

explanation: We're not supposed to get our happiness from things we can touch, feel, taste, etc. Everything on Earth is changing, so we can't depend on it for our joy. We can only trust that there is Someone who is unchanging. When we trust in him instead of what our senses can experience, we hear his voice more. Whatever the circumstances.

The storm's white noise
Distorts His voice.

explanation: But there are going to be tough times. During those tough times, it's easy to let negativity deafen the message that God is trying to give us.

I transition into a sleepwalking state.

explanation: So I go into auto-pilot...because I'm not exactly sure what to do. But I haven't lost all hope. Because I still have faith.

But my subconscious is aware
of the Intercessor's prayers.

explanation: We are told that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.
Romans 8:28 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

He speaks
When I've lost the words,
So I can understand
What I haven't heard.

explanation: He prays for me when I don't know what to pray for, but I keep looking to him for strength. Also, he speaks to us when we are going through tough times if we choose to listen. He uses those tough times to silence us with his peace so that he can give us the message we've been missing. Everything happens for a reason, to teach us something, I really believe that.

So, symbols and analogies aside, life is pretty tough right now. Let me begin with the truth. I am so thankful that my husband was blessed with a job, especially considering some kids fresh out of law school don't have jobs (Harvard degrees don't matter these days). I am beyond blessed that I am NOT barren; something I thought I was just a few years ago. I never go without food, shelter or love. Wow! That's a lot to be thankful for, believe me, I am. I focus on those things when I get sucked into the negativity. I'm human after all, and need to be constantly coming back to God in prayer for refueling, otherwise I screw up. I'm really good at screwing up.

Anyway, the other side of the story. I will try to be as candid as possible without sounding like a spoiled, ungrateful child.

My poor husband (yes, I do pity him), has had to work EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 3 weeks. He is working like crazy. It is in him to give his all, but right now he's working on a huge deal. Literally. Sadly, it's not the deal itself or even the work that weighs on his strong spirit. It's having a boss that I've never heard anyone in the office utter a positive remark about. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say that he...is probably not a very happy person. It's quite sad, actually.

I don't have a perfect husband, but he is one of the strongest spirits I know. It takes a lot to make him sad. He has been a rock for our family during tough times, and a rock for his own family. So you can imagine how rough this situation must be if he is struggling to maintain that unbreakable, joyful personality.

I'm not that strong. I get very lonely. I make every effort to socialize and get out. There are days, as I have explained, that I cannot seem to make it out...because I'm stuck in the bathroom, in pain, with my iphone in my hand (attempting to keep my irritated toddler content with Cullen's ABC's on YouTube). It's actually a pretty funny site. I just wish I could laugh more about it. This happens about 2 to 3 times a week, but I'm in constant pain these days. Believe me, the gluten free diet made a HUGE difference when I wasn't pregnant. But, friends, I also have IBS (explanation here). It isn't really an issue when I'm not pregnant, in fact it is HARDLY an issue. Pregnancy hormones trigger it for me. Around the time women start getting morning sickness, the monster in my gut decides to wake from its slumber. It was a moderate issue with my first pregnancy. This time, it's really, really bad. So bad that I'm considering not giving birth to any more kids. I do want more, though, so adoption it will be. Who knows, maybe I will muster up the courage to have another one in a few years, but I don't know if that's the healthiest decision. I haven't gained any weight so far. With Mirabel I gained 15 pounds the first 3 months. That seems like a lot, but I am really thin. In fact, I'm 5'3" and not even 100 pounds! So I'm just praying for this baby's safety. This is why I was so happy to see that the baby had a heartbeat and that it was measuring right on target. God's hand is on that kid. See, being skinny isn't that great. I really have to eat A TON to gain weight, and I don't view this as a good thing, especially now. I think I'm going to go see a dietitian or nutritionist. I'm trying to be as proactive about this as possible.

Anyhow, I still view my husband and I as a team. Thankfully, this work thing isn't destroying our marriage. I made the decision that that wouldn't happen. Also, my husband makes a HUGE effort to spend as much time with us as he can. He loses sleep, even. But the critical emails from the boss continue to trail in, even past midnight. Last minute assignments are handed to Jose at 5 PM, so he usually doesn't get out of work before 7:30, sometimes it's 9 PM (and he leaves at 815 AM). No "Thank You's" are uttered. No apologies are ever made, even when they should be. Sundays at 11 AM are a good time for a 2 to 3 hour meeting, for this boss. Family life doesn't really seem to matter to him, poor guy. Truly, I have pity for the boss. I have to.

But one member of the team is usually missing. Moms, it's tough. You know what I'm talking about. But you know what? I'm doing it. And I haven't lost my faith. I still believe that God has his reasons, and I'm waiting to hear what I'm supposed to learn from all of this. I'm stronger today than I was yesterday, maybe that's what it's all about.

Words and music are my therapy. That's why I write. I would sing, but I don't want to scare anyone away ;), so I just blast music and dance, even if it's on my way to the bathroom for the 5th time that day :D.

Here's a song to get us thru:

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