June 2013

I am due for a post, but this will have to do for today :).

Spring Photos

A good friend of mine had been wanting to do a photo shoot with Mirabel, and she invited us to meet up with her in a random field here in the hill country a few weeks ago.  Couldn't have been better timing, right before Mirabel's birthday (she turned 2 this past Monday) and Mother's Day.  

We had so much fun, plus I love how they all turned out.  Here are just a few.  I'm so thankful for these shots; usually when we do family photos, Mirabel isn't very happy when it comes to taking pics with me (it seems most photographers try to capture daddy and daughter first--which is great, but I want some pics with her too!!).  So this was lovely.  I think she captured the sincerity very well.  Those wildflowers are so beautiful, too.  Can't say Texas ain't pretty :).  

By the way, can you believe she found that dead butterfly on the ground right next to where we were about to start shooting?  Kind of bittersweet, but it shows that all beautiful things serve their purpose, even after their souls leave Earth.  Cheesy, I know :P.  

I've been wanting to write a post about Mirabel's birthday, but I'm waiting until this Saturday's bday party comes to a close--I've still got plenty more pictures to take :).

Little Revelations

There are little moments in life that let you know you're doing something right. They can easily go unnoticed.

A few days ago, Mirabel went up to her dad's office door and called out for him. It was the middle of the week, some time in the late afternoon while he was at work.

A few days later, he walked out the back door to take the trash to the curb. She began crying pretty heavily as soon as the door shut. She stood by the door until he returned.

This morning she woke up too early. Usually she won't go back to sleep without me, but she cuddled up against him and fell right back to sleep.

Little girls don't love their dads like this unless they feel secure with them. I would know.

She has something so wonderful. It makes me feel like I've done something right.

The cycle has been broken; that's what I've always wanted for my family.

Complete

Odd picture to share, but this is my grandmother's hand. One of the most loving hands I've ever held; hands that have also held and comforted me...comforted me with love and scrumptious food, like this homemade corn tortilla :).

My mommy and me

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
Agatha Christie

A few years ago, I had to drop off a few gifts at the post office so they would arrive in time for Father's Day. To my surprise, it was fairly empty. The month before for Mother's Day, it was packed. The postal worker who took my packages said that it's usually pretty slow around Father's Day, and we both agreed how sad that was. She said it was because so many fathers just haven't stepped up to the plate. I understand that, but thankfully that isn't the case in my family anymore. Mother's Day is a completely different story. And I admit, I even have more women to think about around Mother's Day than I have gifts to buy for father figures around Father's Day.

My grandma and me

I've been blessed to be loved by many amazing mothers, aunts, loving friends, etc. So many women who are mothers at heart, and who love beyond biological bonds. But it's true, now that I'm a mom I have so much more respect for these women. Wow. Being a mom REALLY is hard work.

My godmother and me

I love that Mirabel's birthday falls around the same time as Mother's Day, she truly is the best Mother's Day gift. Oh, she can be a handful, like today when she screamed and screamed because she's been sleeping poorly/skipping naps/staying up late like a college kid. But those squishy legs that I love to squeeze, and the belly with the little folds! I love them all. I can't imagine loving anyone more; I feel whole, and my heart has truly grown. All the cheesy cliches apply.

I would describe this past year as the most joyful one of my life. I feel richer, though we do have less funds because diapers will do that ;); I feel at peace, though I have not slept through the night once since her birth; I feel whole, though a bit scatter-brained from the not sleeping thing ;). I don't want to be anywhere else. I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mother. If this was it for me, even if I never became a chef, or some kind of artist, or some kind of creative professional (oh, the many crazy things I want to be when I grow up ;)...I am satisfied with who I am today. Not because of anything I've done, but because of who and what I have in my life. I have love in abundance and I'm no longer hungry or longing for anything.

This Mother's Day I'm most thankful for my family, near and far, because I wouldn't know what it means to be a mother without them.

Sunny Day

This past weekend started off (Well, Friday starts off the weekend for me ;) at the library. It was cold and sunny Friday afternoon. Sunny enough to get out of the house, but too cold to go on an actual walk. One thing I really love about living in this area is how close we are to the awesome library. It's literally a 5 minute walk away, and the entire third floor is dedicated to kiddos. So we don't need to worry about making noise! Here are a few pictures of one of their noisy guests under 3 feet tall... :) So many expressions. The teddy bear wanted in on the pic too.

Then on Saturday, we took a drive to Providence, Rhode Island. The outdoor farmers markets only run from about June to November around here, and I miss seeing all the beautiful produce, so like devoted little foodies we took a trip to the Winter's Farmers Market in Pawtucket...we also visited a few Italian delis/markets in Federal Hill and I bought some reallly good gluten-free chocolate cookies...but here's the healthy stuff ;).

Then we drove back to Cambridge for lunch, to eat at a delicious local sea food restaurant. We stopped off at home, and then (because the weather was beautiful--50s--all day) we went for a walk to Harvard Square, where we picked up a few sweets, including my new favorite dessert, creme brulee...

We also re-arranged the bedroom. We put our mattress on the floor, and also took Mirabel's crib mattress out of the crib, and placed it next to ours. (THANK YOU for all the suggestions, btw. :) Still trying to figure out a new sleeping system, but we're surviving and...

It's almost Spring, thank GOD!

YES, we've survived our final winter in the North East!

Strength (and an on-going love story)

24 years ago, a shy and pink cheeked 10 pound baby boy was born into a poor family. He never knew he would have to become the man of the house in middle school, when boys are more like boys than ever. While things were difficult at home, he somehow managed to rise above the bullying. Countless times these boys would call him names, each one cruelly pointing out his struggle with weight. At first, he'd only confide in his mom during these difficult times. Yes, though these boys would probably make fun of him for crying to his mother at home, he didn't care.

But one day, he stopped crying and got angry. He channeled this anger in productive ways, though. Unlike most boys who turn to alcohol, drugs, or even violence, he looked to the future. He prayed, though his faith was often shaken. He decided that he would become a man well before his voice caught up with his strong spirit ;).

Instead of walking toward his goal slowly, he sprinted with a purpose. In fact, he ran so much that he lost 80 pounds in just a few short months. The boys stopped talking, not just because he transferred to a different school with a better curriculum (because he had big plans for the future), but because they knew he had something they didn't. Despite not having the same academic background as his classmates, he still managed to graduate at the top of his class, exceeding everyone's expectations; going against the statistics, even.

This young, strong, poor hispanic boy wanted to go to college. And so he did. He graduated Suma Cum Laude, and was later accepted to one of the top universities in the world for graduate school. While that was impressive, it was really his heart that attracted his future wife to him the most.

You see, she loved everything she saw, and even the parts he couldn't see. She loved that he was bold. He wasn't about games. He saw what he wanted and, with more effort and prayer than most are willing to put forth, he always won. For instance, he came across a rather odd girl on Facebook who started a group called "I Love Dorks". For reasons she doesn't quite understand (even to this day :), he was somehow intrigued by her profile. So, without hesitating, he sent her a rather bold message. He claimed that he would be happy to be her suitor (among other things). He'd never even met her before. He sounded just like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, but he was much more of a gentleman and didn't have the pride issue. She was instantly attracted to his confidence. Then she fell even more in love with him after reading his blog, where he'd already mentioned that he wanted to marry her (even though she still hadn't met him). It wasn't this bold statement that attracted her to him, though...

Today, she loves him even more than she did then, though he is missing one thing that he had when they first met. Her heart is still his, and his heart is still very much hers...but his kidney belongs to someone else now. He was willing to risk his own life for another. That was the definition of love. If he could love others this way, she reasoned that he would be able to love her the same. And she was right. This is why they became husband and wife.

But that's not the happy ending. Because life is constantly offering new challenges, these challenges also need their own happy endings. They've been together in sickness and health; when the days of illness were heavy with sadness and surgery day eventually came, he stood by her side and loved her even more. They've been together in good times and bad; because there's no such thing as the perfect marriage, they're learning how to become better people together and love each other all the while. They've loved each other for poorer, but certainly not for richer; they've learned how to trust that God will provide, and he has. They've become a family, and their journey together is still only beginning,

Every day offers a new opportunity for growth. Though she knows her heart has grown with more love for him throughout the years, she also knows for certain that his heart has done the same. He still takes the same approach to life--school is still a priority, but family is a greater one. She wants him to know she respects him so much for this. Though she sometimes fears he might have been able to accomplish more without these extra responsibilities, he has told her otherwise. He says that his main responsibility, his family, gives him the kind of strength and confidence that he never had before, so he is able to perform better in every area of life.

Still, she doesn't want to hold him back. But he insists that after class on rainy Friday afternoons, while others might be making arrangements to spend a long evening studying, or planning their life as successful bachelors, or getting ready for a night out with friends, his happiness rests in this: He has a family that accepts him for who he is. He has love. But what she wants him to know is that this home and family he loves is his greatest success yet.

God gave him wisdom to overcome his life's former challenges so that he could bring him to this place of love and acceptance, and transform him into a real man of genuine strength.

Valentine's Day

This morning started out with a blow-out. Nope, not an argument. Things were peaceful. Think diapers! Ugh, not exactly the image you want to think about on a holiday that people secretly use as their excuse to eat chocolate (but that wouldn't be me, of course ;)! Ok, so I will stop with the potty humor (but I have noticed that it's a fairly popular discussion topic among moms :).

I dressed Mirabel in her Valentine's Day outfit shortly after she woke up and, not an hour later, it lost its cuteness thanks to that blow-out. It seems that Valentine's Day is a poopy day for many people, sadly. I remember how so many folks dreaded the day, particularly in high school and college. Some of my friends wore black. It was one of my favorite "holidays" and I used it as an excuse to wear way too much pink and red. Funny thing is, I was single on all but one Valentine's Day until I was 21. Yes, I have to admit, it was a little sad, but there was always someone or a group of someones I had to celebrate it with, so I couldn't be sad for too long.

Growing up, my parents celebrated Valentine's Day with my brother and me. We'd all go out to eat, and/or they'd give me something special. Usually it was a small gift, but it was thoughtful. I want to share that tradition with Mirabel, for many reasons. Mostly, I want her to realize there are many different kinds of love, and they can all be celebrated on Valentine's Day.

So after cleaning up the blow-out, and changing outfits (thankfully Mirabel has a ton of pink clothing ;), we headed to Target. Oh, Target. In my opinion, they've mastered the art of mass producing cuteness. Since this was our first Valentine's Day as more than just a couple, I decided it was time to stock up on cheesy Valentine's Day decor. I am one of those people who will find any excuse to fill their home with ridiculous holiday decorations, or "junk" as wise folks might call it. I decided that the kitchen would be the official Valentine's Day room. So we (well, mostly just me, but I'm sure Mirabel would've agreed with my purchases ;)... So we bought a simple table cloth, 2 plates (with hearts, of course), and 2 cups (with matching hearts), and a Valentine's Day garland. Oh yes, and a set of blocks with individual letters; you can match them up in various ways so that they read "love", "xoxo", or "hugs".

The table is spread out with the kitschy kitchen decor. There's a chocolate cake in the oven (one of the perks of having a cooking "job" is that I can choose relevant recipes! Yay!), and there's molé in the fridge (one of Jose's favorite Mexican dishes). It's a toasty 45 degrees today (which is very warm for us! I even have the doors and windows open!)...

And it's our first Valentine's Day with a little girl.

I hope she and Jose both know that I love them. This year we're celebrating a new kind of love. Our family is growing. This is why I wanted to make this Valentine's Day slightly more memorable, cheesy decor aside. This is our last Valentine's Day in our tiny but warm apartment. Next year, we'll be in our first rental house, though we already have a home.

Last weekend I bought this potted flower. I'm determined to keep it alive! This is the only spot in our place that gets direct sunlight; every time I walk by it, I remember that Spring is just around the corner. And if this flower can make it through a rough winter, then so can I. It just needs a little sunshine. Thankfully, we're getting plenty of sunshine this Valentine's Day.

3rd Anniversary :)

We don't get very much sunshine around these parts, these days. But today was an especially sunny day, in every aspect. We celebrated our 3rd year as Mr. and Mrs. A, with our new addition dressed in a new pink outfit (that we picked up from Costco yesterday after signing up for our first membership :).

But before we embarked on our special day's adventure (aka taking a trip to a very delicious and local gluten free bakery, and dropping by a scrumptious bbq place to pick up our dinner), Jose and I exchanged gifts. I received the beautiful flowers above, along with a dark chocolate Toblerone (one of Jose's first dating gifts to me).

I loooove sunflowers (which is why he included those sunny golden flowers above), but roses are an important part of our special day, so Jose included them in the bouquet. He said the color combo reminded him of love and sunshine, and I agree. Roses are special to quite a few people, but a poem about them was included in a portion of wedding vows.

I like giving homemade gifts, but I wanted to give Jose something relevant to our anniversary. This gift didn't require much making, and I'd been wanting to do it for awhile now...

We wrote a portion of our vows; I finally got a chance to print and frame them. Jose's vows to me are on the left, my vows to him are on the right. The middle picture is pretty familiar, isn't it? ;) I had to laugh when I was putting this together. Take a look, my vows are about twice as long as Jose's. I just read a few days ago that women utter quite a few more words than men on a daily basis. I think that definitely applies to our marriage! :D

Jose thought of a fun anniversary idea. He said that, starting this year, we should record a "state of the union" meeting. He said we should discuss the high and low points of the year, so that we can watch the videos every year on our anniversary to see how we've grown as a couple. I love that idea!

Feeling joyful...and festive :)

Finally...I'm out of bed and cooking! Actually, just roasting some veggies, but it feels good to be back in the game. It looks like our first Christmas will be an enjoyable one after all.

Notice those 2 new ornaments? Well, the little snowman isn't new. I gave him to Jose last year (and he isn't hanging by a noose ;). The footprint? That's Mirabel's. We picked up a "baby's first Christmas ornament" right after Halloween. I think it was initially intended for a newborn's footprint, but I'm so glad hers still fits in the frame :). And the two people in the background? They're the presents too big to fit under the tree, gifts that keep on giving (and I'm not just referring to Mirabel and her diapers :P).

On another note, here's a nice poem someone shared recently. I think it's sweet and wanted to share it with you all.

Today I dined with great saints of the Lord. I cleaned their faces and washed their hands.
Today I tied the shoes of great warriors. Those who will defend truth and rely on His joy to be their strength.
Today I ministered to royalty. I dried tears and whispered truth in young ears.
Today I worshiped with the pure in heart. We danced unashamed; in awe of our creator.
Today I am blessed to be a mom. Capturing each moment, enjoying every giggle, and shepherding these gifts.
-Author Unknown

Feeling Hopeful

Though I used to often wonder as a kid what it'd be like to have parents whose marriage wasn't destroyed by alcoholism and mental illness (things my dad struggled with when I was younger), the holidays were the one time I was usually pretty content with what I had, as far as family was concerned. I spent the early part of my life surrounded by extended family, so I wasn't unhappy.

What's odd is, now that I have a family of my own, sometimes I go back to wondering what it'd be like to go home to that kind of ideal place: where my mom and dad would be there together to welcome all of us , including their new grandchild. But we live in a broken world, so when I'm ungrateful and have unrealistic hopes, I try to change the way I think and hope for less selfish things that are more important. Thankfully, those hopes aren't impossible ones.

My dad has been sober for quite a few years now. It hasn't been easy for him, though, which is why I now respect him for staying away from alcohol and drugs. It wasn't always this way, hence my use of the word now. When I was younger, I didn't realize how much my dad struggled. Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia aren't terms that most 7 year olds are familiar with (at least I wasn't). So I just chalked it all up to him not loving my mom or me enough, but at 26, I realize that's far from the truth.

I just got off the phone with my dad, and though he didn't outright say it, I know he is better.
His tone of voice gives it away. When he was struggling earlier, refusing any medical or emotional help, he sounded broken. I admit, it was tough to talk to him because I wanted him to be happy. I'm not the type of person who can easily cut themselves off emotionally--so I felt what he felt, just not to the extent that he felt it. To me, being happy seemed so simple, but I don't have what he has. I also haven't lost what he did, a wife and child.

My father has come a long way. He hit rock bottom when my parents divorced, and I didn't know that until my aunt explained the situation a few years ago. Though he is still healing and can't work because of his mental state, I've been able to witness his progress from across the miles. Becoming a grandpa brought happiness back into his life, too.

It may sound silly to the average person, but just hearing my dad talk about putting up Christmas lights at my grandparent's house, or decorating his Christmas tree, really brightened my spirits this morning and did for me what going "home" does for a person who comes from a non-broken family. My heart is warmed when I hear joy and hope in his voice because I know that he is very familiar with sadness. This is one of the things that makes me feel hopeful and content this Christmas season.

Making the necessary preparations

These past few days, the snowfall has been nonstop. I live in a snow globe, it seems. So many tiny snowflakes. Then the snow melts and gets dirty. Its perfect shade of powdered sugar-white turns shadow-gray with flecks of dirt, with time. But for now, I'm enjoying sitting on my bed staring out the window and down my street. I'm daydreaming but still very much looking forward to the beautiful flowers that are sure to show in a matter of weeks. Sometimes that's what keeps us all going: knowing spring will come and we'll feel the warmth of the sun again.

Mirabelle will be born in the spring, I don't believe this is a coincidence. She is our little miracle and another way God is shining light into my life. I often think about what it will be like to give her a hug; what her baby soft skin will feel and smell like, and how her tiny toes will wiggle. Thinking of her in this way makes me feel like a protective mama bear, and I don't want her to know pain. Ever. But, unfortunately, there will be sadness and I won't be able to shield her from all of life's disappointments. This is why I pray for her soul, though she hasn't even opened her eyes yet. I pray that God will strengthen our tiny soul and give her the wisdom to see his beauty, even if and especially when life gets ugly. I also ask for wisdom...to be the kind of mom she deserves. I love her; we're already close -- that's a good start.

My fear of seeing her sad is rooted in my own fear of sadness. Granted, we've all had our fill of it. I don't feel jaded as a result of my experiences, though. The rough moments were unavoidable and not a result of any major mistakes I made, just part of the bigger plan. I see that now. I don't know if I'd be able to appreciate life as much as I do today, were it not for those rough patches.

Though Jose and I hope to provide the best for Mirabelle, we do realize there is no such thing as the perfect childhood, or the ideal family (or flawless parents!). We are all dysfunctional in our own way. Still, if we remember that God can meet us where we are and that he isn't judging us for our weaknesses, then the healing can begin. It's a matter of moving forward by acknowledging our struggles and blessings, all at once. Seeing the glass half full, because life is beautiful at times, while also recognizing the same glass as half empty, because that's the portion He's meant to fill. We wouldn't need grace or love, otherwise.

So here I am. Still flawed with a quite few scars, but very much ready to love my new baby girl. I've bought her cute little clothes, arranged her side of the room, made hospital arrangements, and prayed for a safe and speedy delivery. There's only so much I can plan for, though. I'm acknowledging that while also giving God credit for his omniscience. I'm depending on him to carry me the rest of the way. He's already brought me this far and blessed me with this beautiful babe (certainly more than I ever expected, because my body is just as flawed as my human spirit). He'll lead the way and we'll follow, taking baby steps... literally :).

I'm ready to be a mom.