Now and Then

As I'm writing this post, I'm listening to baby M (she'll be referred to as that from now on ;) babble in her crib, in the room next door. I guess saying "room next door" makes it sound like we live in a place with multiple bedrooms. Don't be deceived by the lingo, our place is a little bigger than a walk-in closet. Still, I'm content with where I'm at. Also as I write this, I really really need to use the restroom, but I realize that my free time only exists when baby M is either asleep or in a good mood. But, again, don't let yourselves be deceived by that last statement; it's not meant to be received as a complaint, I am more than ok with not having much free time.

So what is this post all about? A few days ago I got a random email from blogger letting me know that my old blog received a spam comment. Funny thing is, I completely forgot about that blog. But part of the reason why I love blogging so much is that you can document your life in stages. That blog contains posts that document one of the toughest stages in my life yet. It was my pre-celiac-diagnosis blog. Gosh, there are some really sad posts in there. Not sad in the sense that I was balling my eyes out while writing the posts, but sad because I can't forget how I was physically feeling when I wrote most of those posts. I started that blog right before Jose and I got married, and stopped writing posts shortly after we got married. I was so sick that I was having a hard time working. I also had my gallbladder removed around that time, and the thought of having a child seemed like an impossible one. I knew about the PCOS, but I was more afraid of not being able to even carry a child if I somehow miraculously conceived, because I was so ill.

So here is the blog, it's called Woven With Words. I was just starting to post recipes online before ending that blog, and, as you can see, they are not gluten-free. Yep, changing my diet really did change my life for the better. I'm not spending more time in the bathroom than in other places, for one; definitely a major improvement.

Anyhow, there are other things I noticed when re-visiting that blog. At that point, we weren't sure where we were going to end up (we hadn't received all of Jose's law school acceptance letters), and we were so strapped for cash because I was only working part-time. AND, as I already mentioned, even keeping the part-time jobs was tough. We also had a lemon for a car; never buy a VW Passat. Ours had an engine that constantly had issues because it would fill with sludge; we eventually learned that that particular model had issues.

Reading the posts on that blog really, really brought to light how blessed we are these days. We have a cute, squishy little girl who greets us with a smile (and 5 pound dirty diaper :P) every morning. We've been married for almost 3 years now, and we're celebrating 5 years of togetherness this coming November. I, thankfully, have a secure job with flexible hours that allows me to work from home (total blessing at this point in my life). And I AM NOT IN PAIN ALL THE TIME! I cannot tell you how depressing it is to be in chronic pain. It's like you just can't see any glimmer of hope, because doctors don't have the answers. Thankfully, I finally came across a doctor that did have some answers.

If anyone struggling here today randomly happened to stumble upon this blog and this particular post, I'm going to tell you something: It does get better! No, sometimes not the way you want it to, or in the timing you would like, but gradually. Hanging onto hope and getting by a few prayers at a time are the way to make it. Thankfully, my diagnosis wasn't that bad--celiac disease is treatable, but even if you're struggling with something that doesn't have a quick fix or easy diagnosis...miracles do happen. I know it sounds cheesy, but the little girl I was referring to at the beginning of this post is my biggest miracle yet. Hang in there and know that you are not alone!

Control and Pride

The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller -- I love that book!  I'm reading it right now and learning so much!  The author does a nice job of explaining the prodigal son parable in a very new (to me) and necessary way (click here to read the parable).  He discusses how we normally hear about (or focus on) the rebellious son who leaves then returns to his forgiving father.  It is a reflection of God's love for us, true, but the other half of the story is just as important, says Keller.  What about the jealous older brother who played by the rules and was upset that his father never threw him a party for being the good kid? That's the part Keller says is often overlooked; that's the part Jesus wanted the pharisees to hear because it applied to them.   The prodigal son came back with an apologetic heart; the older son was too proud to admit that he wasn't as perfect as he thought.  We are either one or the other in this life.

Jose and I have started reading Job together.  This is going to sound crazy, but even though I've heard the story of Job many times before, I've never read it for myself!  I enjoy reading it with Jose because he sometimes catches things that I don't, and I understand the message of the story a bit better, as a result.  

The part in the first chapter that caught our attention the most is when Job finds out his children and animals have just died and (v. 20-21) At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head.  Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:  'Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.'

Job reduces himself to nothing.  Instead of acting as if he is entitled or worthy of an explanation or apology, he humbles himself before God.  Job also relinquishes control (Jose pointed that out to me) and doesn't compare himself to anyone who might have more.  The shaving of his head might represent a sort of catharsis, but it also represents letting everything go.  In a way, it's as if Job is also saying Take even the hairs on my head and my clothing, I give it all over to you, God.  This is an act that a prideful heart, like that of a pharisee, can't take part in.

I'm not like Job.  At all :P.  When things don't go the way I want them to, I try to sort things out on my own and then I remember to pray.  To top it off, I usually mumble and grumble before handing it over to God.  Prayer is usually preceded by unanswerable questions or dumb remarks, like "Why?", "I don't get it" or "Not now!'.  As if I'm entitled to know.  As if I, a flawed human, could've planned it out better than He has.  My pride turns me into the Chihuahua who thinks they're a Great Dane.

I'm going through a situation right now that many might find unfair, as I have felt it is many times, to be completely honest.  It has me asking some of those silly questions and comments (don't worry--it's not as hopeless as I'm making it seem).  I'll reveal the details in a later post, but this is an issue I have to bring to God on a daily basis.  I notice that when I don't, I tend to obsess over it and try to control the situation myself, even though I'm very limited in what I can do.  Though the actual circumstance might be foreign to you, I know we've all wanted to have control over the source of our worries. Ironically, worry in itself is a dysfunctional form of control (one that I struggle with!), my mom mentioned this to me once.  

It's as if I think that gnawing on a thought or concern long enough is going to improve the situation somehow.  When I try to control a situation, I'm taking hold of the reigns and basically telling God he can't do it and that it's my turn now.  Isn't this essentially the definition of pride?  Setting ourselves up as God's equal, or much worse, his superior?  Though I'm not sporting a purple robe and reciting scriptures verbatim in Hebrew, I might as well be; my behavior is pretty much that of a modern day pharisee.  I become the older brother who asks his father where's my party? when things don't go my way.

Here's a good excerpt from the book that applies:

Why is the older son so furious?  He is especially upset about the cost of all that is happening.  He says 'You've never given me even a goat for a party, how dare you give him the calf?'... He's adding things up.  [The older son then says] 'I've worked myself to death and earned what I've got, but my brother has done nothing... where's the justice in that?' That is why the elder brother refers to his record. 'I have never disobeyed you!  So I have rights' he is saying. 'I deserve to be consulted about this!  You have no right to make these decisions unilaterally.'

That's pretty much my line to God when I'm frustrated about how things are panning out.  The elder son felt powerless (as I do), and compared to his father (who represents God in this story), he very much was.  Keller explains how Jesus leaves the parable open in the end, the father extends an invitation to the older son to attend his younger brother's party, and it's up to the older son to accept.  I too have to decide if I am going to accept what God has offered and is perfecting for me in his time or if I'm going to make my own plan, which will likely end in failure and more disappointment.

On Sewing and baking and cooking and...

One problem (well, it's not really that big of a problem) that I have is staying focused on one hobby. I've never really been the sit around and get bored type, but now, more than ever, I'm becoming the kind of person who can't sit through a whole movie because I get bored just sitting! My hands have to be moving or making something...

I spent a good part of the weekend sewing this purse, and though it was fun, I don't think I've had to focus on something that much in awhile! But I loved it! I love that sewing requires me to be super patient and diligent. I literally got sucked in and sat in front of the machine for hours trying to figure things out. I didn't like how intimidated I was of my sewing machine, my birthday present from the hubby. I let it sit there for the longest time. I did sign up for 2 sewing classes, both of which were canceled, because I wanted to learn. But I hadn't touched my machine before then. I let it get all dusty; I was literally afraid of it...

I had a hard time understanding why some folks find sewing/baking darn-right hard, until my sewing-fear gave me a reality check. I'll be honest, baking doesn't/didn't come easy to me before the food blog, I was more of a cook and still am, for the most part. Now I find myself fascinated by baking, I feel like a chemist in my kitchen -- but it's still a lot easier than sewing and I don't think I was as 'scared' of baking as I was of sewing. I thought "if it tastes bad, I'll eat it anyway. No harm done". For some reason, I couldn't apply that way of thinking to sewing. I don't know why I was so scared, I could've just picked up an old shirt and messed around with it. I could've just watched a few YouTube videos and cranked out something simple, but I was such a weenie.

So now I love to sew and I'm not afraid of the sewing machine. I have a much more 'so what if I mess up?' attitude, and that's helped a lot. The fear would still be there if not for that first step; opening up the machine, threading it, sewing a straight line on a scrap piece of fabric, the basics. Everything depends on that first step.

I could throw myself into cooking without thinking because I had to. I had to eat; I couldn't just pick up fast food from some random place, because it would make me sick to my stomach later. Funny how necessity and desperation override fear; the 'how bad do you want it' factor really applies to everything. But now I want to learn even more! How do you sew on a zipper (without help :P); how do you sew on a button properly? How do you sew a french seam?! I want to know how to create digital scrapbook kits from scratch, how to code blog layouts using CSS, how to take the perfect foodie picture without natural light, how to bake gluten free croissants, how to... and the list goes on.

I discover some other creative outlet and this process starts all over again. I'm almost afraid to see what else is out there! I dabble in this and that, and I almost feel guilty when I neglect one interest for another, or even when I don't fine-tune one thing. For instance, I sewed most of this weekend, but I haven't drawn in awhile and there isn't much cooked food in the fridge. And this isn't a complaint, really. I know there are much bigger bigger things to worry about/be thankful for. BUT sometimes, sometimes I just wish I didn't have to sleep! :P

One thing I'm actively trying to learn is how to lead a balanced life. I'm thankful that I don't have to choose; why not have a little bit of everything? Maybe Sundays are for cooking/baking and Mondays for drawing. Fridays are for grocery shopping and Saturdays are for outings and sunshine. I am so thankful that I can have balance, it's a blessing. So what if I can't become an expert over night?

Speaking of outings and sunshine, here are some pictures of a day trip we took to Concord, MA (home to Emerson, Thoreau, and Alcott). We toured the Alcott house and visited Emerson/Thoreau's grave site (sounds morbid but it was romantic and peaceful); we even got to see where 'the shot heard 'round the world' was fired, near Minuteman Park (think Battle of Lexington/Concord). Concord is gorgeous! Everyone, and I mean everyone, there was so so friendly!

I've always been a fan of Little Women, but I didn't know much about Louisa May Alcott. I didn't know that she was in love with her good friend Emerson, and that she wasn't a fan of marriage (though she'd apparently reconsider for him :). I didn't know that she was a war nurse, liked to paint, adopted her nephew, and was/came from a family of free thinking transcendentalists who lived in Concord precisely because (then-'backwards') Boston didn't appeal to them. I also didn't know that her home was part of the underground railroad and that it's now remembered for having honored guests, like Harriet Tubman and Nathaniel Hawthorne. (Even Emerson frequently visited and anonymously left money scattered throughout the house to support this never-asking-always-giving family which consisted of an artist mother, equally artistic daughters, and an intellectual father.)


Alcott House


Emerson's Grandparent's House/Where Emerson wrote Leaves/Nathaniel Hawthorne's House


Lexington/Concord Battle site -- where the first shot was fired.


Lexington/Concord Monument


Louisa May Alcott's Grave


Emerson's Grave


Thoreau family grave site.

Before and After

...just documenting the new look of our ever-changing home, on a grad student/single income budget :). We had to sell all (98%) of our stuff/furniture before we moved here, but we've slowly been making it more cozy. Because we live in a 100 year old building, we aren't allowed to use nails..so we've had to improvise (using mounting tape and the like) so that the walls don't look so naked. Any more ideas?

before - upon moving in






















after - about 8 months after move-in

What Boston's Bean like for us so far

It's been almost two months since we've moved to Boston and Jose and I have both grown to love this city in our own way. Initially, it did take us some time to adjust to being car-less, but now we don't really give it a second thought when we go out. We might change our minds once it starts snowing, though.

Speaking of snowing, I can't believe how cool it is here already! This morning when I woke up it was 48 degrees outside! I'm not sure when our radiators get turned on by our apartment complex, but Jose says probably not until November! The high today was in the mid 60s and it was a beautiful day. Perfect weather for a picnic, a Harvard Law Couple's picnic. Jose and I attended our first Harvard Law Couple's event earlier today. The picnic was inside but it was still fun. We got to meet a few different couples, including those in Jose's section. (There are 500 something first-year law students and the entire class gets divided up into sections consisting of about 80 students each.)

Everyone was really friendly at the indoor picnic, which made us both feel at ease. Well, mostly me :). The next event they're planning will revolve around apple picking in the Fall, I can't wait to go! I met a few folks today, and I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing more of them outside of these gatherings. Jose's already settled in; he's made some good friends and is enjoying law school more than undergrad. He says a lot of it just has to do with the people. They're more mature and he has quite a bit in common with them, which makes sense and is definitely a good sign :).

I've been working full-time and Jose's usually pretty busy studying during the week and on most weekend nights, but we make it a point to go out during the weekends. We've already explored quite a bit of the city, but there is still so much to see. It's a good thing we're going to be here for 3 more years. There's always something to do, whether it's taking a tour of historic Boston or strolling through a beautifully landscaped park, where it's usually very peaceful.

A park in Beacon Hill, Boston

Last weekend we checked out the library in Downtown Boston. It was a sight! I can easily say it's the most ornate library I've seen so far. What I like about it pretty much sums up what I love about Boston, in general: THE DETAILS! Even the AT&T building located in the South End is a stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks architectural masterpiece. Thankfully, the meticulously crafted historic structures have been nicely preserved. I've taken so many pictures!

These are the library photos (Click to enlarge. The second to last photo is the At&t building, the last photo is a church, all others are pictures of the library):

Jose and I both feel very blessed to be here for a variety of reasons. We've transformed this 100 year old, timeworn, but very easy-to-love apartment into a home that will serve us well for the next three years. We're both getting to experience and see so many beautiful things and places; as cheesy as it sounds, there's something very cozy and magical about this city. Hmm... I'm putting two and two together: They call Boston beantown and beans are the magical fruit, I'm sure that has something to do with it ;).