Friendships

There are no strangers here; only friends you haven't yet met. -Yeats

Relationships inevitably evolve with time. But I had no idea that the way we form relationships can also change as we change. I care more about what I should and less about what I shouldn't, to put it simply. Acknowledging that people's judgements stem from their own insecurities has helped. But realizing that most people are looking for sincere friendships (or needing them) has influenced my interactions with new acquaintances even more.

We can assume that our neighbor doesn't say hello because they don't like us. But that's cynical. Maybe they're just really shy. (I'm slowly learning to give people the benefit of the doubt.)

I assumed this about a neighbor once. Then I decided to randomly, and rather loudly ;), strike up a conversation from across the street because I stopped caring about what they could offer me. Thankfully, it worked. It turns out that neighbor is kind and just reserved.

Then I wonder what other relationships I might be missing out on as a result of my negative assumptions and selfish expectations.

Though this isn't completely enlightening, I'm learning that I need to be the friend I'd want, and without the favoritism. But it goes beyond that. Being only that kind of friend would be selfish. True friendship is grounded in sacrifice. Putting someone else's needs before our own; loving like God loves us.

If someone lonely is struggling spiritually and they aren't able to be the kind of friend that I want, who am I to keep my friendship from them just because they cannot uplift me? Respect in friendships is a must, yes. But not being someone's friend simply because they don't meet your expectations of what a great/spiritually uplifting/well-rounded "kindred spirit" should be doesn't mean they don't have the potential, or even the need for that kind friendship from you.

John 15:13 There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friend.

I'm finding that verse applies to more than our physical life. It also applies to our daily interactions with strangers/potential friends.

Friendship is the ministry we are all called to. It doesn't require a PhD or red cape.

The Freedom to Find Peace

Satan mounted his rebellion through the power of one idea: God doesn't have a good heart. Though it seems almost incomprehensible, he deceived a multitude of the heavenly host by sowing the seed of doubt in their minds that God was somehow holding out on them. After the insurrection is squelched, that question lingers in the universe like smoke from a forest fire. Sure, God won, but it took force to do it. Power isn't the same thing as goodness.
From The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

It seems one of the biggest questions out there, among those who wonder whether or not God truly exists is: If there is a God, and he is all loving, then why is there suffering? I used to ask the same thing. Though I always believed, I never quite understood how a perfect God could allow so much imperfection and injustice. But after reading a couple of different thoughts/answers surrounding this question, it makes more sense.

If God stepped in all the time, that would get in the way of freedom. If he is truly good, then he wouldn't need to use force to attract people to him, like the quote above suggests. God also cannot contradict himself. If he is perfect, he cannot act in an evil way which is why he cannot cause of suffering. This means his motives have to be completely pure. In our freedom, we often choose to do wrong, though. Sometimes we even have good intentions, but mistakes are inevitable so long as we're stuck in our human bodies. But with God as our spiritual guide, we're given clarity, and the right decisions can follow.

Still, not everyone listens to his quiet voice, and suffering is usually the result of a decision made without considering perfect love (aka God). But some people don't want anything to do with him. Because of freedom, they have that right; God allows us to accept or deny him. As a result, there is a constant battle on Earth between good and evil; peace and suffering. So peace can only exist temporarily, and only in some places at different times. Of course, not all suffering is self-imposed or caused by sin. There are illnesses that bring pain to truly loving people. But the beauty of their situation is that if their hearts are in God's hands, they will know peace on this imperfect soil and in heaven.

In the end, isn't that what we all want more than anything? True peace that doesn't rely on the sun shining, perfect health, or flawed humans? Imagine the peace that comes with knowing beyond doubt that we are loved perfectly by a God who can do no wrong. I'm still working on fully embracing that truth. I think it's a lifelong thing. God isn't the one holding out on us, we're the ones holding out on him.

A web

Circumstances. What I've been thinking a lot about lately; that's why I wrote this last post. Most of us don't grow up in ideal circumstances. Broken families aren't at the core of it, they're just part of what results when we don't know where to go, when our ideal situations disappoint.

You'll never guess what I've been watching lately. My reasons for watching are related to trying to understand these less than ideal circumstances. I want to better understand what becomes of those who try to find their way when they've never had anyone to show them where to go and how to get there...

So I've been watching a few documentaries...about Tupac's life. Yep, you read that right. :)

I can relate to his need to express himself through writing. I never rapped (Wow, that would be hilarious if I did!), but I wrote a TON growing up. Nearly every day I'd write poetry. Then I was introduced to poetry slamming, and I loved that too. But I was never very good at either, especially the latter :). I enjoyed it all though; writing was my way of dealing with adversity. I also prayed. Even though I didn't understand how God worked, I knew he was there and that's why I never became an alcoholic. I truly believe that if God was not in my life growing up, I would've turned to drugs and alcohol (especially if my mom hadn't left my dad when I was one). I shutter to think of what would have happened if my mom would've stayed in that marriage. Though I love both my mom and dad, I realize that he wasn't ready to be a father. I respect my mother for giving and sacrificing so much so that I wouldn't have to struggle, even after she re-married.

But this isn't about me. I just wanted to explain my reasons for wanting to understand this artist. He never had a father in his life either, and he just dealt with life the only way he knew how. My heart breaks for those who come from broken homes and don't know where to go for guidance, both spiritual and mental.

I don't agree with everything he did, but I agree with some of the ideals he had. I also agree with his explanation for why gangs form. A sense of belonging and acceptance is something we all want. When there isn't a cohesive and stable family in place to help create this sense of belonging, children naturally look to things outside of themselves to find it. Studies and statistics say that girls try to find it in dysfunctional relationships, while boys attempt to find it in more aggressive ways.

This is why my husband is an inspiration to me, because he didn't become a statistic. Sometimes I think it's harder for boys than it is for girls (growing up without a father, I mean). All he had was a mother, grandmother, and 2 sisters. The love was certainly there, though, and he says that's what pulled him through and inspired him to rise above his circumstances. Still, he's told me how some of his childhood peers eventually brought more grief upon themselves because of the destructive choices they made, though they also had mothers and didn't have fathers.

The documentaries I've been watching shed light on these issues. In one of the interviews, Tupac discusses the struggles faced by young black and hispanic men. I know they're not the only ones, but one of my own cultural groups was mentioned, so I couldn't help but feel discouraged...and, surprisingly, also thankful.

A few days ago, Jose and I were talking and he said a few things that made me feel a little unsettled. He told me that after he expressed an idea in class, the professor referred to it as "Jose's Theory". Here's what made me sad to hear. Jose said that he was a little embarrassed that the professor kept saying his name, because of a negative comment that a student made a few years back when he was in high school. When a teacher was taking role during a school trip, one of the students expressed surprise that there was a "Jose" on the roster. Because, apparently, there weren't many hispanics in this school (the one my husband transferred over to so that he could receive a better education). I responded by telling him he should feel proud of his name; it makes me sad to know that he feels even a little embarrassed, all because of a ridiculous comment an immature high schooler made years ago. But with the immigration policies, and some of the negative talk being thrown around surrounding that issue, I can see why it's still causing some discomfort, even now.

Rambling aside, I respect everyone who is able to rise above their struggles, whatever those struggles might be. Whether you're the son of an immigrant family who just wants to improve society by making wise choices, or you're a hard-working respectful upper-middle class American whose great-great-great grandparents emigrated from Europe to the US to escape religious oppression, the responsibility is equal among all groups. Race, education, gender, religion (etc.) aside, we all have the God-given responsibility to improve ourselves so that we can help those who are struggling to do it alone, because their life's circumstances might be more dire than our own.

Thoughts

One thing I really like about blogging is that it allows me to see how I've changed/not changed over time. I think I've mastered the art of stagnation, and even regression ;). I'm noticing a pattern in how I've been thinking lately, and it's a fairly negative one that I'd like to break. That's my late New Year's resolution, or I should say Life Resolution! It's something I'll have to work on every single day.

I read some verses this morning that opened my eyes a bit. I've read them before, but they spoke to me differently today...

When I was in high school my mom strongly suggested (ha!) that I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. It was a little cheesy, and I think maybe parts of that book stuck with me subconsciously and (strangely, now many years later) somehow influenced the tone of these notes I just took...so bear with me, laugh even! I did :P.

This is just a basic and simplified (half-asleep) interpretation of these very wise verses. Basically, what I wrote to help me understand the meat of the real text.

If you've got something to add (or your own version of the 7 Habits, with more or less than 7 actual habits ;), please feel free to share. I'd love to hear it!

From 1 Corinthians 9...

24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Running requires-

Pacing yourself: Realizing that Christ is your strength in the "race" but that you cannot exercise with what you do not have--and it takes time to develop strength and endurance to run long distances.

Training yourself: So that you are able to run long distances without tiring as easily as someone without training. This means, pushing yourself spiritually so that you are closer to God today than you were yesterday.

Staying hydrated: When you thirst, don't ignore it--seek God when you find yourself thirsting for other things to find satisfaction and fulfillment.

Health: Focus on being spiritually healthy. Choosing to be "healthy" is a daily thing. Exercise by memorizing scripture and understanding God's word. "Eat" the right things--take notice of your thoughts and how those thoughts are influenced by the things you take-in daily and what (or who) you surround yourself with (music, tv, movies, books, etc.) 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Philipians 4:8.

Don't take your eyes off the goal: Comparing yourself to other runners and/or seeking their approval will only slow you down. Focus on who you're running for and why you're running; don't run "aimlessly". Your goal is also to do better than you did yesterday. "Strike a blow to [your] body"--overcoming your own personal weaknesses with God's strength so that you can be an example to others, or "preach" by running a good race by the way you live.

Encouragement

I DVRd an interview-type show on the new Oprah channel a few days ago. Maya Angelou was the honored guest last week; I finally got a chance to watch it yesterday. I've read a few of her poems, and until yesterday I appreciated her work from a distance, but this special captured her strength and beauty as a person so well that I now respect Maya Angelou on an entirely different level.

She's more than familiar with suffering. But she doesn't present herself as a victim, and she doesn't just discuss how she's overcome the difficulties she's experienced (from being raped at age 7, to being mute until age 6 and undergoing emotional abuse because of it). Her way of communicating reflects the kind of strength that I lack. She is a wise woman, and I'm glad I got to hear her speak--even if it was behind a television screen.

Toward the end of the show, she shared a quote that I hadn't heard before, and then she went on to explain the truth behind it. This is how it's re-quoted on this site:

"If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody; if a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or Malcolm X; if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born—it means so can you. And so you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize, 'Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.' That's one thing I'm learning." — Dr. Maya Angelou

The part that wasn't included on the site resonated with me most. When she first shared the quote, "I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me," she brought up some of the worst of us. Those who have committed the most heinous crimes, including "the bigot and the batterer". We refer to those crimes as "inhuman". The irony is, the crimes were committed by a human. She explained that we all have the potential to commit those wrongs, because we are all human. Considering we're all sinners, that's not a difficult concept to grasp mentally. Still, when I heard the quote I felt guilty because I knew that in my heart I often fail. The playing field is level, though. It's discouraging to hear, and to believe that the person on death row is our spiritual twin brother...

But then she brought up another truth. Mother Theresa is also our sister. Inspired by the love of God in her heart, she shared so much of herself with those in need and impacted all of us, directly and indirectly.

The beauty in the quote is what else it reveals: we have a choice! We are capable of so much evil, and so much good. Having God in our lives liberates us--that's what the apostles in the Bible say; on the show, Maya Angelou also said many times that "love liberates". I can't ignore this key verse, either "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8). The two are one in the same. So it makes sense that if we are lacking Love we are limited in our choices, and how we behave.

I guess I can say that I grasp a bit more how understanding God's love truly liberates us; we're able to rise above ourselves, or the innate evil in us (as discouraging as that word is), and love like he loved us. After all, isn't that essentially what the true peacemakers, from Mother Theresa to Ghandi, were able to do?

Creativity and motherhood

This time last year, I was busy crafting away, crocheting this and that--preparing for the little one's arrival. Things are quite different this year. My hands are usually pretty occupied holding a little girl; tickling her pudgy feet; twirling her hair between my fingers; mixing up baby cereal in a little purple bowl with a matching purple spoon. I haven't touched my sewing machine in ages. I HAVE been scrapbooking, though (but, of course, I'm only scrapbooking pictures of little M these days :).

I've never enjoyed sitting still. Usually my hands are busy doing one thing or another, I think this is why I have so many blogs! It seems my daughter has taken after me in this area; she doesn't like sitting still either, or sitting down. In fact, most of the time she'd rather be standing. She has, somehow, learned how to scootch out of her bouncer, and she stiffens her legs/protests when I try to get her to sit, or when I sit while I'm holding her. This has made life quite exciting. I purchased an Ergo recently, and I have to say, it has saved my back/shoulders! She is over 20 pounds, so it was getting tough lugging her around in the sling and even the bjorn. So now you'll find me mixing flours in a bowl, in the kitchen, with little M on my back. She loves it. So long as she has something exciting to look at and I'm not standing still for too long. She's especially entertained when I dance to Christmas music while I'm preparing my baked goods, with her on my back. I walked around the mall with her like this for 3 hours!!! 3 hours!!! My calves are going to be humongous by the time she is one!

Anyway, I digress... so, as I was saying, most of the time I'm doing something with the little one. We still aren't sleeping very well, as she's starting to wake up at random hours and talk to herself, or kick me in the back when I've surrendered and let her sleep next to me. She's been a little grumpier during the daytime because of the lack of sleep, but she's becoming a better napper, which is definitely a good thing (she is not a happy baby at all when she is tired!). And when she is napping, I get a small break. I should probably take Jose's advice and nap but, of course, there are better things to do--like blog! (See where she gets her high-energy levels from! ;)

Most of the time I'm too tired to get out the craft materials and crochet/sew something exciting. I still cook because it's part of my job (...and we'd go hungry because my hubby doesn't much care for the kitchen). But other than that, I spend my "free time" just sitting down. Enjoying the silence. Blogging, even, just to get my thoughts and feelings organized.

So here I am again. Thinking and not sleeping. And it's occurred to me that even though I'm not actually crafting like before, I kind of am. I've found that motherhood requires quite a bit of creativity. Learning how to recognize the differences in tone in your child's cries, and how they relate to their different needs, requires paying serious attention to the details. Like sewing a purse, and not forgetting to back stitch (I've forgotten before!); it will fall apart if you fail to complete that simple step. And so it is with my child, or any other child for that matter. If I forget that she doesn't like being held a certain way, she will let me and the neighbors know! Such a simple thing makes such a big difference. Like the old saying goes, or at least I think it goes something like this, life is just a bunch of tiny moments sewn together. And each moment is significant. I realize that now more than ever.

Yesterday on our walk, Jose and I were talking about how significant the little things really are. Like changing diapers. I can't go out and save the world right now, because I'm occupied here at home, raising a child. Though some might view that task as a rather unimportant one, to them I say this: It ALL starts here. I get to change diapers; I am the lucky one. Not only because I never thought I'd get to change my own child's diapers, but because I get to spend that time with her. I know this doesn't make me better than anyone else, but I just want to say that it certainly counts. After a really long day, when we're both feeling icky and she smells like milk and cheese (Haha! The staple baby smell, I think), we both look forward to bath time. She relaxes in the warm water, kicks her feet around (soaking me, and by this point I'm probably already soaked with pee--since it seems she loves to pee when we're running from the changing table to the sink, where I bathe her)...she's giggling the whole time. Smile on her face says it all, as I use the washcloth to remove the little balls of lint from her little pudge creases... Yep, VISA, that is what I'd consider priceless. A moment that I can't scrapbook, or edit, or erase, like drawing a picture with a permanent marker. It's there, in time, existing as one of the best moments of my life. She may not remember that particular bath, but it's moments like these that are forming her unique collection of memories belonging to a past worth remembering: a happy childhood. And isn't that what so many unhappy adults are missing? Imagine how much better things would be if everyone had one. That's how I know this is my best [craft] project yet.

But I can't end this post without admitting my own personal gain from these experiences. Someone already said it better than I can...

The soul is healed by being with children.
-Dostoevsky-

More to learn

Fall is finally rolling in. This afternoon we went for a walk and I was still cold, in spite of wearing a heavy sweater and pants. But it was a refreshing kind of cold. The breeze was just right; a little more sunshine would've been nice, but I'm trying to focus on the positive :).

These past couple of years that we've lived in Boston, I've been a bit of a hermit. Most of the time, Jose and I just spent time together on the weekends, and I'd usually busy myself with crafts when I wasn't working. But now I'm feeling the need to be more social, or maybe I'm just noticing that engaging more with the outside world really is an important part of having a healthy and balanced life.

As soon as we got back to Boston, I jumped on my computer and searched for local mom meet-ups. So I've been going from one meeting to the next, hoping to find a group that I feel I can "belong" to. I'm still lookin'. It's interesting how there are so many of these groups set up to help moms feel like they can still socialize with adults while caring for their little ones.

At one of the meetings, hosted by a doula and lactation consultant, one of the leaders mentioned that they initially set up their specific mom group to help mothers feel like they can reach out to their community to get support. She also said that things are a bit different now compared to when she was a young mom, because more families are separated by miles and neighborhoods are usually empty during the week, since many parents work. I could relate to the first observation she mentioned. We are definitely miles away from family. As far as the second thing she mentioned...well, where we live, we are surrounded by grad students. Their bedtimes are usually still in the very early AM hours, as opposed to 10 PM.

So you can see my reasons for wanting to meet other moms: all of us coming together for similar reasons. You'd think that we'd find some common ground, right? Hmmm... though everyone was pretty friendly, and most of the moms have similar issues that they're dealing with, I still notice that more common ground is required for friendships to form. I know that's pretty obvious...

...But I guess I was hoping that our coming together for the same reasons would be enough. We all want to feel like we're in this together, and that we support each other-since most of our families are far away. We could be pseudo aunts for each other's kids maybe? Oh, if only it were that ideal. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I have to admit that community just doesn't provide for me what extended family and sincere friendships can. Those friendships can certainly blossom out of these one-hour-a-week interactions, but it seems a little forced sometimes... and I'm remembering again why it is I have/had my hermit tendencies, and why I never really liked/got involved in "groupy" type of activities in the past...

Sometimes I just don't feel like doing the "hi, how are you? I'm from blah blah blah" thing. That's what I love about having family and real friends. Then I laugh because I realize that all friendships begin with these simple conversations. Still, friendships are the best when they happen unexpectedly. When you casually come across someone interesting and just so happen to effortlessly strike up a conversation with them--yes, it's a pleasant surprise and you actually feel refreshed after that initial meeting, instead of drained...

That's it, I think I've figured it out now!

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room filled with the people that make you you? Or when you're surrounded by the familiar folks that see you and love that person anyway? Yes, that's what I miss. Not having to try. I miss it even more now as a mom, because I'm realizing how important that sense of security is in raising a child. Jose and I can definitely provide love and security for Mirabel, there is no doubt about that, but she deserves that and more. I know some folks say that it takes parents to raise a child, where others would say it takes a village. I believe it takes both, but unfortunately my village is scattered throughout the US. I know I can invite others in, but when you first have a child...it's nice to already be surrounded by that special group of people, instead of having to go out and find them all over again.

To end this on a positive note...living here in Boston these past 2 plus years has really taught me to appreciate my relationships a lot more. We'll be going back to Texas in just a few months, and thankfully that's where Mirabel's grandparents live :). I'm just thankful that we will be going back, we won't always be just the new mom and baby at the meet-up group.

Perfect timing

I'm sure this is funny to some, but Jose and I are already talking about baby #2. Even though a few folks have commented that we're fairly young parents, I'm so glad we didn't wait to have our first. Fertility issues aside, I decided awhile ago that being a mom was more important to me than staying in school for another 10 years. It was a personal decision and I don't expect everyone to feel like this. Now that Mirabel's here, I can honestly say that she came at the perfect time.

Being a parent is definitely not the easiest thing in the world. There are days I'm so tired, I'm not even sure how I mange to keep my eyes open, but it all works out. Jose and I are slowly learning how to balance our time; it's been a little rough because I'm working part-time from home and he's working really hard, giving these summer internships his best, but we're still smiling. As far as being in the most financially stable position--well, that's not going to happen until we have this 140K debt behind us, which isn't going to happen for awhile (thanks to school loans!). But we've got good insurance, we've got the determination to make it, and we love this child like nothing else. She doesn't have a fancy designer stroller, I made sure to purchase quite a bit of her baby gear on sale, and she doesn't have a nice luxurious nursery with million thread-count sheets, but she is happy. How do I know? She smiles at me every morning; I've also never been more content, and I know that influences her emotional state.

No regrets.

I don't know what God has planned for us. I've already started praying about/for baby #2. I'm slowly preparing myself for another round of emotional ups and downs, brought about by trying to conceive with infertility "issues". Ugh... yeah, those. Who knows how long it'll be. But then again, if you would've told me this time last year that the following July I'd be writing a blog post while peaking over my shoulder at MY little girl sleeping soundly in her swing, I wouldn't have believed you :).

Home

(A tree down our block, you see many things like this in Austin!)

There's a colorful city in the state of Texas where the streets are a little funkier. Funky because this city's mantra revolves around keeping it "weird". Let's put it this way, if Pee Wee Herman decided to pass up the Alamo and hop on his red bike for a quick trip a few miles north, he'd come here. I'm talking about good ol' Austin, TX, my home.

I also call California home, but this is my new home (though not so new anymore, really). Not a replacement, but another version of the real thing. Austin's where I went to college, asked all those complicated life questions during my awkward phase, and found out that life and happiness go hand in hand, after all. It's where I met myself...and my husband :)!

The nights still smell like maple syrup here, and why wouldn't they? I remember late night visits to the quirky cafe by my school, where I'd load up on tasty humongous gingerbread pancakes. My mom nicknamed it "The Tattoo Parlor" because she believed everyone there had one :). We'll be going with Mirabel one of these days (she won't have any tats, of course ;).

In this city, the hills really are alive with the sound of music. It is the Live Music Capitol of the World, and we're also smack-dab in the middle of the hill country. I've come to accept that I'm getting old because my playlist still includes the same tracks from my college days. They're songs from CDs I picked up from another place I'd visit more often than I should've: Cheapo. Don't let the name deceive you; I spent more money at this place than a teenager with 20 piercings shopping at Claire's... When I settle down here, more concerts are on the itinerary :).

Every time I move, I feel like I leave a little piece of myself behind. I didn't completely realize Austin was home until I moved to Boston and felt like I'd left more behind than starry nights. I wasn't the only one, which is why Jose and I could be seen clicking the heels of our boots together, chanting "there's no place like home" when we'd had our fill of Beantown's relentless winter storms.

Truthfully? We don't own boots :)...but this is our home. And now it's Mirabel's, too. See, she's enjoying a stroll around the block, one of the many we'll be taking the next 6 weeks we're home...

Sunny Days!

Enjoying sunny days with a smile and growing belly...

The second semester in Jose's second year is almost coming to an end. We enjoyed a sunny spring break this past week, taking it easy and basking in the gorgeous sun (a real treat for those of us who live in usually-dreary-in-late-winter Massachusetts). 72 degrees was the high yesterday--that's enough of a reason for me to write a celebratory blog post and share pictures of our afternoon picnic on the Charles :).
Days like that make me miss California, and long for the sunny/warm afternoons of Austin, Texas... Thankfully we'll be getting plenty of vitamin D very soon, because we'll be spending quite a bit of time hosting barbecues in the backyard of our cozy summer cottage (yep, we got the cottage :)!

4 more weeks until we're Texas bound. We'll be spending these last few weeks tying up any loose ends and preparing for our busy summer. At 32 weeks, I'm starting to get a little nervous about the whole birthing process. But we're mostly excited because there is so much to look forward to. Like a baby...and a new car!

We've been car-less for the past couple of years. We thought it'd be tough having a car in Boston, so we sold ours before moving here. We were under the impression that we'd have to pay a thousand bucks or more for a parking spot near our apartment, thankfully that isn't the case (turns out there are plenty of free spots nearby). We've recently started getting a little nervous imagining ourselves car-less with a tiny baby. It isn't tough getting around when it's just the two of us; hop in a taxi or rent a zip car, no problem. But try doing that with a newborn when it's 10 degrees out (and they're sick, or crying, or just cold...) and things get a little complicated! We've decided on a Subaru Forester, at least I think we have. It'll be our first family car :).

Speaking of family, that's one thing we really miss living over here alone. Spending a few years away from pretty much everyone we're related to has really changed my perspective on things. I used to think that living far from relatives wasn't a big deal, mostly because I spent half my life living away from extended relatives. But now that we're having a kiddo, and I'm seeing how excited both our families are about the new addition, it makes me sad that our little girl won't have any of her grandmas or grandpas around the first year. Not only that, but it does get lonely when its cold and snowy out on Christmas Day, and it's just the two of us celebrating the holidays together. Of course, having friends over for dinner is fun. But there's really something to having a healthy relationship with those we call mom, dad, sister, brother, etc. From a distance, Jose and I can sense the excitement of our moms. They'll both be first-time grandmas (so you can only imagine how happy they are about this little girl!). It's so cute when my mom calls to tell me about this frilly dress she's about to buy, or when my mom-in-law talks to us on Skype and shows us the spanish fairytales she bought to read to Mirabel (we've decided to change the spelling of her name).

Our families aren't perfect, but both Jose and I have come to appreciate the way they show their love for us. It's such a blessing to know that when we step off the airplane, there will be someone there to lovingly greet us and accept us for who we are. Now that we're starting our own family, we think about how we'll mesh our extended and immediate families together; how holidays will be celebrated, how vacations will be centered on family, and how we hope to help those in our families who've struggled to make it on their own. I'm realizing more and more that it's impossible to be independent without being connected to family. The security their love provides is essential. Even if that love isn't shown perfectly, you take what they have to offer and gain even more by giving without judging or holding a grudge. Everyone wins that way.

Making the necessary preparations

These past few days, the snowfall has been nonstop. I live in a snow globe, it seems. So many tiny snowflakes. Then the snow melts and gets dirty. Its perfect shade of powdered sugar-white turns shadow-gray with flecks of dirt, with time. But for now, I'm enjoying sitting on my bed staring out the window and down my street. I'm daydreaming but still very much looking forward to the beautiful flowers that are sure to show in a matter of weeks. Sometimes that's what keeps us all going: knowing spring will come and we'll feel the warmth of the sun again.

Mirabelle will be born in the spring, I don't believe this is a coincidence. She is our little miracle and another way God is shining light into my life. I often think about what it will be like to give her a hug; what her baby soft skin will feel and smell like, and how her tiny toes will wiggle. Thinking of her in this way makes me feel like a protective mama bear, and I don't want her to know pain. Ever. But, unfortunately, there will be sadness and I won't be able to shield her from all of life's disappointments. This is why I pray for her soul, though she hasn't even opened her eyes yet. I pray that God will strengthen our tiny soul and give her the wisdom to see his beauty, even if and especially when life gets ugly. I also ask for wisdom...to be the kind of mom she deserves. I love her; we're already close -- that's a good start.

My fear of seeing her sad is rooted in my own fear of sadness. Granted, we've all had our fill of it. I don't feel jaded as a result of my experiences, though. The rough moments were unavoidable and not a result of any major mistakes I made, just part of the bigger plan. I see that now. I don't know if I'd be able to appreciate life as much as I do today, were it not for those rough patches.

Though Jose and I hope to provide the best for Mirabelle, we do realize there is no such thing as the perfect childhood, or the ideal family (or flawless parents!). We are all dysfunctional in our own way. Still, if we remember that God can meet us where we are and that he isn't judging us for our weaknesses, then the healing can begin. It's a matter of moving forward by acknowledging our struggles and blessings, all at once. Seeing the glass half full, because life is beautiful at times, while also recognizing the same glass as half empty, because that's the portion He's meant to fill. We wouldn't need grace or love, otherwise.

So here I am. Still flawed with a quite few scars, but very much ready to love my new baby girl. I've bought her cute little clothes, arranged her side of the room, made hospital arrangements, and prayed for a safe and speedy delivery. There's only so much I can plan for, though. I'm acknowledging that while also giving God credit for his omniscience. I'm depending on him to carry me the rest of the way. He's already brought me this far and blessed me with this beautiful babe (certainly more than I ever expected, because my body is just as flawed as my human spirit). He'll lead the way and we'll follow, taking baby steps... literally :).

I'm ready to be a mom.

guilt and anxiety

My name is Sophie and I am a very anxious person (if you haven't figured that out from reading this blog). I know why I'm like this, I've psychoanalyzed myself enough to know why, but that's beside the point now. It's time to get past square one.

I'm the type of person who likes to plan way in advance. The more control I have over a situation, I tell myself, the more relaxed I feel. I falsely believe that when I have this control, I "know" what reactions to expect from myself and other people; I "know" how things will unfold (with my silly schedule in hand, of course); I "know" how I'll be emotionally influenced by decisions; I "know" security. I've noticed that I even make mental lists for myself in the morning each day. I'll get out of bed, eat breakfast, shower, then maybe I'll make dinner early so that I don't have to worry about it later, etc. The minute my eyes open, the process begins.

The funny thing is, I don't have insomnia and it's never really been an issue. I go to sleep feeling good that the day went as "planned". And when it doesn't? Hmmm... the anxiety gets much worse. But it's not the kind of anxiety that exists solely in my mind, as an intangible idea or a negative thought that I keep entertaining over and over again.

It comes to life.

It's an ugly monster.

Actually, I become the ugly monster in my most anxious moments. I mentally rehearse an uncontrolled event that's going to take place (and it will, because life is about following someone else's plans sometimes) and I get... mad? Yep, that's it. I instantly imagine the worst case scenario and then I start behaving as if it's already happened, even though it hasn't. Then, as if that's not enough, I say and do things that are against what I believe (and in that moment, actions speak -- actually scream -- much louder than words and it appears I'm a person lacking morals). I am a false representative of my faith. God gets sad and, eventually, so do I.

I say eventually because when I'm "in the moment", I am so blind that I cannot see or hear how ugly my words and actions are. I get so sucked into the anxiety that my understanding of what common sense is goes out the window. Eventually, I come back to reality with plenty of baggage. More baggage than I'm capable of carrying on my own. It weighs me down, and when the guilt sets in I really can't move. I get stuck and regret replaces the anxiety.

The only thing that can move me at that point is God himself, and he does. His presence brings me peace, but only when I can look at the mess I've made and hand it over to him, and apologize to those I've wronged. But even that is a struggle sometimes. Because I am a control freak, I want to sort through the mess, organize it, label it... and then he says no. He wants me to let it go so that I can receive his peace. When my hands are busy sorting through the mess, I'm unable to focus on the grace and forgiveness he offers. He already sorted through the mess, that's why his hands are still scarred... he did it so that I wouldn't have to.

So why hold on to it? Why hold on to the guilt when I've already acknowledged my sin? And why hold on to the need for control when he's already in the future? There is no need to do either; all I need has already been offered, his forgiveness and his peace.

Why I love Christmas so much

Christmas in NY 2008

If you've ever been around me during the holiday season, you know I love to go all out (especially for Christmas!). Though some might say that celebrating Christmas, or the secular aspect of it, is superficial and insignificant--I don't believe that things like Christmas trees and nativity sets are bad, as long as you remember what Christmas is all about and that those objects aren't the only things that make your Christmas joyful.

I associate Christmas with happy times in my life, as most of us do. But the funny thing is, I learned to appreciate Christmas as an adult in a whole new light when it occurred to me that all those Christmases weren't quite so happy, just cleverly disguised as so.

One year, when my mom was single and raising me on her own, she was fired from her job on Christmas Eve. She didn't tell me at all. At this time, things were pretty tough financially, but she always hid it well and didn't tell me about our struggles until I was a lot older. There were times we got by on credit. I had no idea that my mom was struggling so much to make ends meet, and putting me through private school on her own just made it harder, I'm sure. When I had to quit ice skating lessons because we couldn't afford it and our old car couldn't drive that far without troubles, she just told me that it was too far away -- she left out the details.

Every year, until about late elementary school, I'd get a new doll for Christmas. I was a doll fanatic. I didn't like Barbie, she seemed fake and snobby. I preferred those baby dolls that did cool things like move, cry, take a bottle or wet their diapers. A doll was the one gift I looked forward to the most during the holidays (and yet I hated wearing dresses). I never really specified what kind of doll I wanted, but I remember one year I really wanted this doll called Twinkling Thumbelina (I still have that doll in her original outfit :P!).

Every Christmas Eve, my mom let me open one gift before bed. And it had to be before bed... and I wasn't allowed to stay up late just because it was Christmas Eve, my mom had her rules. I made sure to examine every box closely beforehand (those boxes that dolls come in are pretty easy to identify, after awhile :). The plastic on the front makes its own kind of noise compared to the rest of the box, which is stiff from the cardboard. (You see, I'd mastered the art of gift-shaking/guessing because I wanted to make sure I opened the right one on Christmas Eve!) So what about the year I'd asked for Twinkling Thumbelina? My mom pulled a fast one on me and said that she just couldn't find it, that she was so sorry but that I was going to have a doll-less Christmas. I said it was okay, but I was a little sad, too. I was still convinced there was a "doll-box" under the tree, though. I'd had my eye on it for days! So when my mom broke the sad news to me about Twinkling T., I figured she'd just bought me another doll.

What happened? Well, I grabbed the mystery box and opened it verrrrry slowly. Starting at one corner, almost afraid to take a peak. Who could compete with Thumbelina? Oh wait... there'd be no need to answer that question because... it was Thumbelina! (Years later my mom told me that she'd searched high and low for that doll; she said it wasn't until Christmas Eve that she found Twinkling T. in an aisle of a pharmacy, when she was running an errand.)

In spite of what was going on around us or how much we were struggling, there was always a doll under the Christmas tree. There was always a Christmas tree to decorate, even if he was so small and twiggy that we had to decorate him with mini ornaments and place him on top of the table just so he would look rough and tough. There was always a smile on my mom's face when I opened my presents, when we decorated trees together, when I woke her up on Christmas morning... even though she had her own struggles to deal with. This was a time of selflessness, especially for my mom.

Oh, but don't worry. I didn't let her get away with thinking I didn't appreciate her. Though I had a mouth and liked to talk back more than I should've, I loved giving my mom more than just a headache :). Christmas shopping! Yeah, I'm still a fan. Isn't it fun when you're convinced that you finally got that special someone the perfect gift and they'll never guess what it is? Being sneaky never felt so good, right? That brings me to another story. How did I pay back my mom for dealing with me? I bought her a fake goldtone "xoxo" bracelet with tacky fake rhinestones from the "Santa's Shop" store that my school had temporarily put into business in order to raise money, because Catholic schools don't charge enough in tuition ;). She still has it in her jewelry box, to this day. I think it's the most hideous bracelet I've ever seen. But, man, I was so impressed when I laid eyes on that glimmering gaudy piece of costume jewelry. I thought to myself "Yeah, my mom will looove this, she'll never believe that I could afford a gift this pretty with the allowance my grandpa gave me last Sunday!". Of course, when my mom opened it up there was a smile on her face...but I think she was holding back a laugh, now that I think about it. :D

This is just a glimpse of my favorite Christmas memories, things that still make me smile today. My mother's selflessness, desire to make me happy in spite of life's difficulties, and need to protect me from life's "bad news" are things that weren't so obvious to me growing up. I loved Christmas for other reasons then. As a kid, I knew that it was Jesus' Birthday, but I'm still learning about its significance to this day. Still, when I think of former Christmases now, I'm able to see the connection between her love and God's love for us--she wasn't perfect, like any parent, but she tried and gave so much. He sacrificed a lot, too, a perfect baby (not a doll :) that became the perfect sacrifice for us, so that we could experience the joy of Christmas every day, even when times are tough.

Nothing fancy

It's late, but I feel like writing. Funny, sometimes I find that I actually think clearer when my eyes begin to get heavy.

I was just thinking about learning how to be. How to be? What does that mean? Read on...

When I first started college, I was always thinking about how to be. It seems that's the time we think about such things the most. I was excited because I was finally gonna get the chance to attend one school for four years! Growing up, I went to 13 different schools. Part of it was because I had a mom who liked to move from suburb to suburb (when we lived in Southern California), and the other part had to do with the fact that my step-dad was in the military. I always felt kind of like a little weed, to be honest. Despite being uprooted time and again, I always found a way to creep back up and not let the fact that I moved so much get the best of me. But, honestly, it was tough at times. I turned to writing and music for comfort. Yes, I was a dork and still am. It's something I actually like about myself now. It took awhile to get here.

The awkward phase definitely lasted a long time, mostly because I couldn't just be. Let's go back to the part where I talk about college. I remember the first week very well. My neighbor was locking her door the same time I was, so I decided to be friendly and start a conversation with her. We walked down the hall, got on the elevator together and then, before she got off the elevator, I suggested that we get breakfast some time. We eventually became friends, but she later told me that she thought I was a little weird because I was too friendly. I have to laugh when I think about it now, I think I was just overly excited. I wanted to hurry up and make friends because I'd finally be able to "keep them" for 4 years, and that was a long time for me.

But I have to admit, it was a bit out of character for me to be so bold. In high school I was somewhat introverted, at least to the outside world. I had my reasons, but I was stuck and it took me awhile to be able to move, emotionally speaking. I decided to be more outgoing in college, but it didn't last long. I eventually embraced the fact that I was more of an introvert than an extrovert. But to be honest, I now call myself an introverted extrovert. I really do enjoy being around people and talking, but I'm just hesitant to open up to certain folks. I had to learn how to read people at a young age because I didn't have time to make friends with those who weren't genuinely interested in a real friendship. I didn't learn that until after middle school, though.

Not worth keeping? What does that mean? I liked people who just were... themselves. Not trying. I admired them for that quality because it's what I didn't have. I couldn't just let go. Metaphorically speaking, I lived life with my shirt tucked in. I wanted to stop judging myself based on how I thought others viewed me. That's what kept me in my shell for so long, I was afraid of what people would think of me when I opened my mouth. What would they say if they found out that I actually liked to go to the library and borrow poetry books? What would they do if they found out that, instead of going out drinking, I was at home writing, painting or searching for another song to add to my never-ending playlist because I was music-obsessed (and why is that so bad anyway ;)?

I learned how to take a deep breath in college. I came to know God more and how that should define my worth more than an opinion or my own ideas. I found someone who loved me for me, someone who also went through a similar phase; he's now my husband :). Learning how to just be is not so hard, after all. The only thing standing in the way of myself and the feeling of acceptance is me, my own mind and negative thoughts. It's interesting, God says he is the great "I AM"; God defines ultimate peace. Learning how to be for us humans is an on-going process, we will never be God but we can strive to live the way he did. We can learn how to be in him because he already is, that's why he says "I [just] AM".

More thoughts on forgiveness

...forgive your brother from your heart.
Matthew 18:35

...you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.
2 Corinthians 2:7

I did not want to get out of bed this morning, and it's my own fault :). I lowered the AC to about 65 degrees last night. Even though it's a hot July here in Texas, I love falling asleep under a pile of blankets (about 3). How do I survive a brutal summer with that habit? I lower the temperature in the apartment considerably. But I lowered it too much last night. So instead of jumping out of bed this morning, I nestled further into my cocoon of blankets and came up with an action plan.

This is all I came up with, it isn't very impressive: Run to the thermostat when the AC stops, the break between the cold blasts, then jump back into bed for just a few more minutes (or until it no longer hurts to think about leaving the cozy cocoon).

You know what I realized? I hate to admit it, but that's kind of how I am when it comes to giving and accepting apologies.

Don't forgive until you're ready, that's what most folks will tell you. When the tables are turned, the world will say you don't have to apologize to anyone. That last one sounds pretty good (until the guilt sets in). At that point you can choose denial or acceptance. But I know I'd rather stay under the covers a little longer. Saying I apologize or I forgive you can feel as uncomfortable as crawling out of bed when the room is freezing cold. But the day will go on whether or not you choose to leave the cocoon you're struggling to get out of.

Forgiveness is the basis of Christianity, both giving and receiving it. I've often heard it said that true freedom comes with knowing Christ. Knowing him means acknowledging our weaknesses as human beings and asking for forgiveness on a daily basis. But the bible also says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ; we're not supposed to dwell on the times we've failed (Romans 8:1). So it's easy to see how we can know freedom when God forgives us. We're no longer in bondage to our guilt or sin and we can easily move forward. But how can we be free if we also do not forgive? This is the other part of the deal.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 6:14

God calls us to forgive and, like all commandments, God has our best interest in mind when he tells us to do it. Lack of forgiveness alters our ability to make the right choices. For instance, take the cycle of abuse. Abusers usually come from abusive homes, and if they fail to acknowledge that abuse as sin, and also forgive their abusers, the cycle will inevitably continue. The abused abusers won't see anything wrong with the way they were treated, and they will treat others the same way. OR they will see something wrong with it, but they'll hold on to the resentment and that will interfere with all of their relationships.

I don't know everything, I am just a twenty something year old who is still trying to figure it out one prayer at a time. But I am sure of one thing, every day I have to remind myself that I've been called to forgive anyone who's ever wronged me. When I'm reminded of something ugly, I really have to make a conscious effort. I tell myself that I have already forgiven the person and I should not let their past actions interfere with my present life. I take lots of baby steps. Choosing to forgive was just the first one. Even that took a small miracle because I couldn't do it on my own; I still don't know anyone who's done it alone.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Mark 11:25

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Colossians 3:13

Stuck

Here are two separate but related quotes from a book I've been reading; such insightful information. I've been posting it everywhere:

[Contentment is] a soul sufficiency, a peace separate from circumstances. Most of us base our contentment on our circumstances, on our feelings, or on other people. However, true contentment is separate from our circumstances. Contentment is a state of the heart, not a state of affairs.

When we take over and try to control what happens, we take our focus off the One [God] who is in control and put our eyes on our circumstances.

Though I completely agree with those statements, I think another reason why we can't be content is because we aren't willing to live in the present, obviously. It's so much easier to be resentful toward someone or unhappy about something that happened to us in the past than to forgive the person and move forward. Funny thing is, even though it's very human for us to like the false feeling of security that comes with "thinking" we've got it all under control, in these moments we're far from in control; we're slaves to our past when we can't acknowledge our present blessings. Even if we're not mentally dwelling on the former events, if we are stuck in the same mindset, we're just stuck. We can't become better people, we can't help anyone else, and we really can't be content or at peace.

It's during these times that we think God hasn't listened to or answered our prayers, so we also become resentful toward him; we pretend we don't need him when we're in the most needy phase of the healing process. I don't think having these feelings is wrong because they can open the door to healing, that's why I consider them part of the process, but when thinking negatively becomes part of our everyday routine, the event or person that triggers the feeling becomes an idol and there's no room for God. We then take matters into our own hands and things fall apart, if it's not evident in our life then it becomes evident in our thought life/hearts. We become calloused and unable to love.


(There have been moments in my life when I've let myself get stuck. I continued praying during those times, more out of desperation than anything else, but there was still a tiny bit of faith that God could work with. I'm still very flawed in this sense, but the healing process is life long because I am human. These are just some things I've thought about along the way. Funny thing is, they didn't actually occur to me until I tried helping a few others going through a similar situation. I realized I needed to start following my own advice! :)

Life is hard. We pray. But God isn't going to come down and shout from the rooftops: "Hey look, here's your miracle; here's your answered prayer!" We're the vehicles he uses to answer our own prayers. But if we're driven by negative thoughts, he can't steer us in the direction we're supposed to go. (Yes, bad pun! But at least I didn't say Jesus, take the wheel -- that would've been really bad. :)

It even makes sense that the answer to our prayers is revealed to us in the moments when we can see how the obvious blessings of our present override the memories of a difficult past. But we can't see how our prayers have been answered when we're asking God why he hasn't answered our prayers; ungrateful souls are blind.


So whether the memory is attached to a person or event, it all comes down to this cliche: life's too short to dwell on it. There will be blessings we'll miss out on and there will be people we'll miss out on loving, even if one of those people is the person who hurt us. I've had to make amends with those who've hurt me so that I could love them through forgiveness; sometimes that meant just apologizing for the small (or big) hurtful role I played in the situation without receiving an apology in return. But in the end, they aren't going to be here forever and neither am I.

When we're face to face with God, he's going to ask us if we lived for him -- that means loving the way he loved us, that's what we've all been called to do. If I can't say that I loved everyone I came across while on earth, because there was resentment preventing real love from existing in my life, then I didn't really love anyone at all, not even myself.

The future/Rambling

Downtown Houston from our apartment

I can't believe it's already June and tomorrow is my hubby's birthday! This summer is flying by, it's crazy. I think every day goes by faster than the last. A month into his internship and things couldn't be better for Jose, thanks to God, we've been blessed. We're staying in a cozy apartment, thanks to Jose's sister, and at the moment I really can't complain. But because time is flying by, I realize that I really need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself after Jose graduates from law school.

What do I mean by that? Well, I've been going back and forth, I've always been pretty indecisive, but I'm determined to go to art school of some kind (as if that narrows it down!). For awhile, I was so determined to go to culinary school, but then when I think about all of the other things I enjoy doing, I almost get a little sad that I won't be able to develop the other interests, at least academically/professionally. But whatever I decide to do, I know that at one point or another I would like to serve others too. This life isn't my own to live and I wouldn't feel right just pursuing my own interests without acknowledging the suffering that exists in the world.

I don't care much for the corporate world, and I always felt that if I was going to be some kind of professional other than an artist, I would like to be a teacher. So if I go to culinary school, I would like to offer culinary classes for financially struggling single moms who want to cook good meals for their kids but don't have the time. I'd also love to open up a restaurant (whether or not I attend culinary school) and I think it would be very cool if I could somehow dedicate one day a week, or every two weeks, to serving food to those who don't have much in the community (maybe have a free meal night or discount menu?). I still need to work out the details and I'm saying all of this pretty much ignorant of whether or not it'd be affordable, but I know I'd like to do something to this effect.

Oh Oh! And about the restaurant I want to open (if I go to culinary school), I'd like it to also be a music venue... and last night I told Jose that if I decided to just go to art school (to become an illustrator or graphic artist) I would still like to open up a gluten-free bakery/pancake house; maybe I could sell art there? There's already a gluten-free bakery in Austin that I like to visit called Wild Wood and they sell local art there, very fun place. I was able to swing by the place this past week when I went to Austin for a business meeting. The night before, we (the company) went out to eat at another restaurant on South Congress, where they serve a drink called a New Old Fashioned -- when I heard about it, I just knew I had to use it for a restaurant/bakery name!

KIDS! Yes, we'll find a way to squeeze those in too. Eventually we'd also like to adopt, kids and animals, we both feel that if you can afford it and you've got the love to give, then it's the right thing to do. I think I'd like to have 4 or 5 kids total, not sure how many of them will be adopted, we shall see...

I'm very scatterbrained. It's a good thing I like being busy because it sounds like that's what life's gonna be like these next few years :).

What Counts

It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
Psalm 118:8

When I was a little girl, I always had something to say. My mom called it talking back; my teachers called it talking too much.

Whether I was in class, but I just couldn't wait to say something to my friend sitting behind me (which eventually led to a Needs Improvement on my progress report because of how often it happened :P), or I was sitting around the dinner table and my mom would request that I please stop rambling so she could get a word in, I was (am) a motor mouth. My grandfather just laughed about it and told me to become a newscaster :).

Every once in awhile, I would actually say something worthwhile. For instance, one Sunday morning in 4th grade, my mom and I were getting ready for church. I hated wearing dresses; I despised looking too girly (but at the same time, I still had a million and one dolls in my room, go figure). My mom asked me to please dress nicely for church, and I was feeling rather smart that morning (sarcasm) and decided to "talk back" and give her the following response:

But doesn't God not care what we look like on the outside, isn't it what's on the inside that counts the most?

My mom's response? Well, for once she actually didn't reprimand me for "talking back"; I was rather taken back by that, actually. She simply responded with a...

Yes!

Needless to say, that day I got to wear shorts and a t-shirt to church, which was pretty much what I wore every day growing up in sunny Los Angeles until that age. I was convinced that God had pardoned me for talking back, at least this one time :).

Years later, I eventually became a bible study leader in college precisely because I talked so much. I asked a lot of questions, but some of them weren't as welcome as the others. so it seemed. For lack of a better term, I enjoyed playing the devil's advocate because I felt God gave us all a brain that he wanted us to use. I still feel that way.

I like to question what most consider solid beliefs because I wonder just how solid they are and how much they deviate from Christ's original message, let's just say I think the term "Christian" is misused and abused like crazy. It really makes me sad when I see someone who has totally lost their faith in God, or has never found it to begin with, because of how much the term "Christian" disturbs them, thanks to the ignorant "fan club". I know it hurts God's heart more than mine, but then I wonder if I'm living up to his standards, or if I'm too busy talking back.

I once read a bumper sticker that says "I have no problem with God, it's his fan club I can't stand" -- hence my use of the term above. I have to admit, I thought it was rather funny, but I was also saddened by it. I laughed because of how much truth it holds, but then reflected on the many ways that statment is the reason why so many people have given up on having a relationship with God altogether.

I believe our relationship with God is supposed to be a very personal one. Though I also believe that fellowship with others is important, I think it tends to take center stage too much and lead to a herd mentality. It can get so bad that we no longer question things because when someone responds to a claim with a Well, it's in the bible, we take it as fact instead of researching it ourselves and figuring out how much truth is in that claim. Again, God did give us a brain. I honestly believe most of these claims are founded on someone's misguided/self-imposed legalistic beliefs. When I give a counter response in moments like that, I feel 9 again; figuratively speaking, I'm the one asking why we get so caught up in what we're wearing instead of what God wants to see in us, or what he really wants us to be like.

So this is an issue that's weighing heavy on me, and I'm wondering how much my disappointment with the aforementioned has influenced my own perspective on God. I know that I don't spend as much time getting to know him as I should, and I do believe part of it has to do with the fact that I don't have a "group" to help hold me accountable. But I'm skeptical of groups, like I said.

So here I am again, dusting myself off. Waking up early in the morning, hungry for a real spiritual breakfast; reaching for my devotional and hoping for some hope. Hmm... then I read this: I have always believed in God. But it wasn't until I began devoting myself to His Word that I had something tangible that I could hang on to when times got rough. (From Live on Purpose for Women by J.M. Farro)

Revisiting this again: I don't have a problem with God, it's his fan club I can't stand...

So who do we turn to when times get rough? This is why I find that bumper sticker so sad, because I have to ask myself who we turn to if we live by what that sticker says. I'm not talking about turning to a group of people, God already said people would disappoint us, but I wonder what would happen if all of us turned our eyes away from what everyone else was doing and thinking and rested them on who God really is. Thankfully, we don't have to go through anyone else and their distorted beliefs in order to get to God, we can go directly to him. Unlike everyone else, he isn't pointing fingers -- he just has his hand outstretched, waiting for us to take hold of it and see the scars that prove he's the only intercessor we need.

Wrapping things up

I've decided that I pretty much love all of the seasons, except for below-freezing Boston winters and Texas summers :P. This isn't to say that Boston and Texas don't have nice weather, they do. Still, if I could pick anywhere to live in the US as the seasons change, this is where I'd live. Boston in the fall and spring, Texas in the winter, and California in the summer. Boston gets humid in the summer (this was a shock to me) but I will never forget how beautiful it was here during the fall...

Across the street from our apartment:


Apple orchard/farm in Concord, MA:


I love Texas in the winter, because it is just cold enough to wear a jacket but not so cold that you have to wear long underwear :P:

Mayfield park, Austin late winter


Boston in the spring:


The beach is the place to visit in California during the summer (so long as it isn't closed due to being overly polluted :P)


We're about to head back to Texas for the summer, it'll be a nice change but I have to admit that I'm starting to like it here again, now that it's warming up and the flowers are blooming. It'll be nice to temporarily have a car, though. The ability to get up and go (and not have to think about where the nearest bus stop/T station is) will be nice. But Jose and I have learned to get along quite well without a car. Zipcar has been a lifesaver; we rent a car 2 times a month, when we go grocery shopping. There have been a few times I've forgotten to buy something on the grocery list, I've walked to the grocery store when that's happened. Looking back, I never thought I'd be able to walk 3 miles in 30 something degree weather just to buy xanthan gum for a baking project! I remember when walking 3-4 blocks down the street from my apartment (in Austin) to the grocery story was a big deal :P.

So with 1 school year down and 2 to go, I can say this: though I do look forward to picking apples again when we come back in the fall, Boston isn't home. It's a nice place to visit and if you can afford to get by comfortably, it might be a fun place for an on-the-go person to live permanently. But I have to admit, I miss Texas and it's somewhat slow pace. If Northern California weren't so expensive, I'd move back in a heartbeat (to the outskirts, not the city), but Jose and I have decided that Austin is probably the best place for us to settle down. It has some of the quirks/entertainment you'd get in a bigger artsy citiy, but it still isn't as crowded or expensive.

Sometimes I have a hard time imagining myself as someone who is "settled down", though. After moving so much throughout my life, I wonder what it'll be like to finally have a place to call home for more than 3 or 4 years?

Lemons and forgiveness :)

When life gives you lemons...take a picture of them and edit the pic with gimp (or make lemon cake ;). When people give you lemons... (OK, so it doesn't have much to do with the post, but I wanted to share this fun pic from Haymarket.)

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Forgive and forget, it's a cliche that some say is biblically based; if God does it then we should too. We're not God, though, and he knows that. Bear with each other & Be kind and compassionate are the two commandments prefacing the call to forgiveness. They put it all into perspective and answer the questions surrounding the issue of forgiveness.

I'm certainly not one to forget when I've been hurt, but with time I've learned to slowly let things go. Only because, with prayer, the anger and bitterness have gradually been replaced with compassion and understanding. Even though the former feelings still creep up every now and then, it's difficult to truly be resentful toward someone when I put myself in their shoes (consider their upbringing, their own battles and struggles, etc.).

We don't have to wait for an apology from anyone to start forgiving them. If turning the other cheek sounds unreasonable, then the way we've been looking at it is all wrong. Turning the other cheek requires us to turn away from the 'raised hand' (or the hurt) and look away from the act/person that's hurting us. At that point we're the most vulnerable and we can also see something other than the pain. It's in our most vulnerable moments that we can humble ourselves and realize that we're not so different from those who've hurt us. We may not engage in the same hurtful acts, but we've all hurt and been hurt. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other... There is a reason why compassion comes before forgiveness.