Now and Then

As I'm writing this post, I'm listening to baby M (she'll be referred to as that from now on ;) babble in her crib, in the room next door. I guess saying "room next door" makes it sound like we live in a place with multiple bedrooms. Don't be deceived by the lingo, our place is a little bigger than a walk-in closet. Still, I'm content with where I'm at. Also as I write this, I really really need to use the restroom, but I realize that my free time only exists when baby M is either asleep or in a good mood. But, again, don't let yourselves be deceived by that last statement; it's not meant to be received as a complaint, I am more than ok with not having much free time.

So what is this post all about? A few days ago I got a random email from blogger letting me know that my old blog received a spam comment. Funny thing is, I completely forgot about that blog. But part of the reason why I love blogging so much is that you can document your life in stages. That blog contains posts that document one of the toughest stages in my life yet. It was my pre-celiac-diagnosis blog. Gosh, there are some really sad posts in there. Not sad in the sense that I was balling my eyes out while writing the posts, but sad because I can't forget how I was physically feeling when I wrote most of those posts. I started that blog right before Jose and I got married, and stopped writing posts shortly after we got married. I was so sick that I was having a hard time working. I also had my gallbladder removed around that time, and the thought of having a child seemed like an impossible one. I knew about the PCOS, but I was more afraid of not being able to even carry a child if I somehow miraculously conceived, because I was so ill.

So here is the blog, it's called Woven With Words. I was just starting to post recipes online before ending that blog, and, as you can see, they are not gluten-free. Yep, changing my diet really did change my life for the better. I'm not spending more time in the bathroom than in other places, for one; definitely a major improvement.

Anyhow, there are other things I noticed when re-visiting that blog. At that point, we weren't sure where we were going to end up (we hadn't received all of Jose's law school acceptance letters), and we were so strapped for cash because I was only working part-time. AND, as I already mentioned, even keeping the part-time jobs was tough. We also had a lemon for a car; never buy a VW Passat. Ours had an engine that constantly had issues because it would fill with sludge; we eventually learned that that particular model had issues.

Reading the posts on that blog really, really brought to light how blessed we are these days. We have a cute, squishy little girl who greets us with a smile (and 5 pound dirty diaper :P) every morning. We've been married for almost 3 years now, and we're celebrating 5 years of togetherness this coming November. I, thankfully, have a secure job with flexible hours that allows me to work from home (total blessing at this point in my life). And I AM NOT IN PAIN ALL THE TIME! I cannot tell you how depressing it is to be in chronic pain. It's like you just can't see any glimmer of hope, because doctors don't have the answers. Thankfully, I finally came across a doctor that did have some answers.

If anyone struggling here today randomly happened to stumble upon this blog and this particular post, I'm going to tell you something: It does get better! No, sometimes not the way you want it to, or in the timing you would like, but gradually. Hanging onto hope and getting by a few prayers at a time are the way to make it. Thankfully, my diagnosis wasn't that bad--celiac disease is treatable, but even if you're struggling with something that doesn't have a quick fix or easy diagnosis...miracles do happen. I know it sounds cheesy, but the little girl I was referring to at the beginning of this post is my biggest miracle yet. Hang in there and know that you are not alone!

Praying for another miracle

Life is one trust-fall after another. When we think we're standing tall and confident, God's down below ready to catch us. Even though we can't see him, he's caught us plenty of times before. So why is it then when we have to take a new plunge, we hesitate as if it's the first time? As if a human with arms that can easily break is standing in God's place?

I've had a love-hate relationship with doctors, well maybe not hate ;). They can be such pessimists, quite cocky too. They'll tell us we have no chance at life sometimes, then God miraculously intervenes and they're left speechless. They'll say we need surgery for our bodies to work... then, after much prayer, our bodies kick in to gear -- God's responsible for those gears, but most doctor's won't admit that.

My reproductive endocrinologist laughed when I walked into her office a few days ago. She said "I guess I just had to scare you about the surgery ;)." I was a little irked, I know it was a joke, but little did she know about all the praying taking place behind the scenes. The fact that I conceived this baby has nothing to do with her and everything to do with God. But whatever, I laughed too and held back my human need to lash out like a smart aleck. And like the surgery is a laughing matter, in any context?

I hold the same bitter feelings toward the curt radiologist who's been analyzing my past two ultrasounds. Yes, the guy knows what he's talking about, and I guess I can't blame him for being the temporary bearer of bad news. The first ultrasound revealed a large cyst on my left ovary; thankfully it's gone now. But there was something a little more worrisome in this last ultrasound. A blood clot between the placenta and uterus, or what they call a subchorionic hematoma; they happen in about 1% of pregnancies.

It isn't tiny but it isn't huge... but it is three times the current size of the baby, which is scary. Sometimes these blood clots will be reabsorbed by the body; other times, the body bleeds them out... unfortunately, other times there's a total loss because the clot causes the placenta and baby to totally dislodge from the uterine wall. I had some cramping and mild bleeding before the ultrasound, but the nurses said it was "normal." The radiologist later said it was the clot causing the bleeding. I'm praying my body's getting rid of it, but I do freak out every time I start to cramp. Needless to say, I'm taking it very easy until the next ultrasound. This clot could grow or disappear, I'm hoping it'll disappear without any more bleeding. Let's face it, bleeding during pregnancy is scary.

So here I am again, at God's feet. Praying for a different miracle this time... I know he can sustain the life of this child. When doctors say they can't do anything more, that's when he intervenes (but, obviously, he's been known to intervene a lot sooner). My mom had full placenta previa when she was pregnant with my brother, then the placenta moved "by itself" (aka thanks to God's hand). I was born with a hole in my heart and that "magically healed on it's own" ;). Who am I to question God's omniscience now?

I've already had the talk with Him. This is his kiddo before it's mine, I know, so if he wants it back in heaven, I can't argue. It won't be easy to deal with, but he has his reasons... and so far, all the reasons for the previous ugly situations in my life have turned out to be pretty good ones :). For instance, I wouldn't be married to my best friend if not for some other ugly occurrences in my life. I've learned that nothing is a coincidence.

Everyone's Calling

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:12

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Romans 8:17

I've read those verses before, but I'm just beginning to understand the connections between the two. I used to believe that the only people who truly suffered for Christ were those who were on the mission field, serving him in the rawest, realest form... so ignorant to believe that, I know. Then I finally realized, this entire Earth is a mission field and we don't even have to interact with anyone to be 'in the battle'; the most obvious battleground is the mind.

If you're trying to live for God, Satan's going to do anything he can to stop that from happening; he doesn't want to be lonely in hell, after all. These days, you're the Job and he's still the same Satan that went up to God and asked for permission to test him. Job lost his property, family, health... but not his God. That man refused to turn his back on God even when his own wife falsely claimed that he'd already turned his back on Job.

Was Job a missionary? Not in the way we use that term today, but his obvious love and devotion to God did minister to those around him and his story still ministers to many today, including myself.

I had a Job day today. It was rough, probably my own fault (I inhaled gluten while baking something for a friend, this sounds crazy but when you have Celiac disease it's a big no-no) -- it still frustrated me. The tummy troubles continue and today they were worse than ever, the pain almost sent me to ER, no joke. I hit a low point where the only thing I could do was pray, as I was losing hope in my body (and realized I was a fool for placing that hope in anyone but God in the first place).

Psalm 22: 4
For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

Times like these, I have to make the extra effort to not let myself get sucked into taking the paradoxical easy way out -- the one that only produces bad results, negative thinking. But as I was balled up on the bed, asking God for guidance and patience, he reminded me that this truly is not a 'struggle against flesh and blood'. It occurred to me that I could confidently cry out to God because I've been trying to put him first in my life, then I realized that's exactly what Satan does not want.

Satan is unhappy, this means I'm doing something right, and he wants to wrong me because of it. Satan enjoys doing this to you and me because he knows how much it hurts God to destroy his creation. The evil one had to ask God for permission to cause the pain and God allowed it to happen. Some might think that God is unfair, but no, he isn't. This is a chance for my relationship with Christ to be strengthened. At my weakest point, if I am still trusting Jesus, he will only bless me for it. This doesn't mean I'll have an instant answered prayer and wake-up cured tomorrow, this does mean I'll have the antidote for my own spiritual illnesses: God's everlasting love and the promise of eternal life that won't include any kind of physical suffering whatsoever.

A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
Proverbs 18:14

The truth is, as God's children, we are all called to be missionaries; to minister to the world with our own lives, with the choices we make, with the words we say. I often fail miserably; I have the pity-parties. You know, the drawn-out ones that are followed by migraines and puffy, tired eyes? I even have the occasional annoying bad attitude that likes to rear its ugly head when the gut starts acting like a monster. <----These are all things that get me nowhere fast.

Like in Job's case, some might say I have every reason to be angry at God. Doctors have told me everything from "If you ever want to have kids, you'll have to take fertility pills because of your defunct ovaries" (don't like to talk about that much here, just bringing it up to make a point) to "Sorry, there's no cure for your digestive problems, you'll probably be in pain for the rest of your life." But one thing that keeps me going is a wise saying used by a pastor of a church I used to attend: "Don't ask God why, ask him what. 'What am I supposed to learn from this Lord, what is all this for?'" So this is what I did today, and the content in this post what he put on my heart as the answer.

I don't know what you're going through, but we all experience our own version of hell on earth at one point or another. It's obvious we can't trust the state of the economy; we can't know that we'll have a job tomorrow, we can't even be certain that we'll be able to stay healthy so that we can support our families financially. We can only trust that God is faithful and so is his word. Christ said this battle isn't about tangible things but spiritual ones for a reason. The only things we can control are the thoughts that enter our mind and what we do with them; our attitude and heart. The person who gives us the strength to do this right is with us all along, we just have to be willing to cry out to him, even when Satan tries to stifle us.

If you've read this and it's encouraged you, that's the answer to the second part of the above question: 'What is all this for?'. Never underestimate God or his ability to use your negative situation to encourage someone.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26