Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Making the necessary preparations

These past few days, the snowfall has been nonstop. I live in a snow globe, it seems. So many tiny snowflakes. Then the snow melts and gets dirty. Its perfect shade of powdered sugar-white turns shadow-gray with flecks of dirt, with time. But for now, I'm enjoying sitting on my bed staring out the window and down my street. I'm daydreaming but still very much looking forward to the beautiful flowers that are sure to show in a matter of weeks. Sometimes that's what keeps us all going: knowing spring will come and we'll feel the warmth of the sun again.

Mirabelle will be born in the spring, I don't believe this is a coincidence. She is our little miracle and another way God is shining light into my life. I often think about what it will be like to give her a hug; what her baby soft skin will feel and smell like, and how her tiny toes will wiggle. Thinking of her in this way makes me feel like a protective mama bear, and I don't want her to know pain. Ever. But, unfortunately, there will be sadness and I won't be able to shield her from all of life's disappointments. This is why I pray for her soul, though she hasn't even opened her eyes yet. I pray that God will strengthen our tiny soul and give her the wisdom to see his beauty, even if and especially when life gets ugly. I also ask for be the kind of mom she deserves. I love her; we're already close -- that's a good start.

My fear of seeing her sad is rooted in my own fear of sadness. Granted, we've all had our fill of it. I don't feel jaded as a result of my experiences, though. The rough moments were unavoidable and not a result of any major mistakes I made, just part of the bigger plan. I see that now. I don't know if I'd be able to appreciate life as much as I do today, were it not for those rough patches.

Though Jose and I hope to provide the best for Mirabelle, we do realize there is no such thing as the perfect childhood, or the ideal family (or flawless parents!). We are all dysfunctional in our own way. Still, if we remember that God can meet us where we are and that he isn't judging us for our weaknesses, then the healing can begin. It's a matter of moving forward by acknowledging our struggles and blessings, all at once. Seeing the glass half full, because life is beautiful at times, while also recognizing the same glass as half empty, because that's the portion He's meant to fill. We wouldn't need grace or love, otherwise.

So here I am. Still flawed with a quite few scars, but very much ready to love my new baby girl. I've bought her cute little clothes, arranged her side of the room, made hospital arrangements, and prayed for a safe and speedy delivery. There's only so much I can plan for, though. I'm acknowledging that while also giving God credit for his omniscience. I'm depending on him to carry me the rest of the way. He's already brought me this far and blessed me with this beautiful babe (certainly more than I ever expected, because my body is just as flawed as my human spirit). He'll lead the way and we'll follow, taking baby steps... literally :).

I'm ready to be a mom.


Tracy said...

Mirabelle...Such a lovely name you & Jose have chosen, Sophie. This tender-heart post is was a joy to read as you evolve into motherhood... Wishing you every joy! :o) ((HUGS))

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