Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nothing fancy

It's late, but I feel like writing. Funny, sometimes I find that I actually think clearer when my eyes begin to get heavy.

I was just thinking about learning how to be. How to be? What does that mean? Read on...

When I first started college, I was always thinking about how to be. It seems that's the time we think about such things the most. I was excited because I was finally gonna get the chance to attend one school for four years! Growing up, I went to 13 different schools. Part of it was because I had a mom who liked to move from suburb to suburb (when we lived in Southern California), and the other part had to do with the fact that my step-dad was in the military. I always felt kind of like a little weed, to be honest. Despite being uprooted time and again, I always found a way to creep back up and not let the fact that I moved so much get the best of me. But, honestly, it was tough at times. I turned to writing and music for comfort. Yes, I was a dork and still am. It's something I actually like about myself now. It took awhile to get here.

The awkward phase definitely lasted a long time, mostly because I couldn't just be. Let's go back to the part where I talk about college. I remember the first week very well. My neighbor was locking her door the same time I was, so I decided to be friendly and start a conversation with her. We walked down the hall, got on the elevator together and then, before she got off the elevator, I suggested that we get breakfast some time. We eventually became friends, but she later told me that she thought I was a little weird because I was too friendly. I have to laugh when I think about it now, I think I was just overly excited. I wanted to hurry up and make friends because I'd finally be able to "keep them" for 4 years, and that was a long time for me.

But I have to admit, it was a bit out of character for me to be so bold. In high school I was somewhat introverted, at least to the outside world. I had my reasons, but I was stuck and it took me awhile to be able to move, emotionally speaking. I decided to be more outgoing in college, but it didn't last long. I eventually embraced the fact that I was more of an introvert than an extrovert. But to be honest, I now call myself an introverted extrovert. I really do enjoy being around people and talking, but I'm just hesitant to open up to certain folks. I had to learn how to read people at a young age because I didn't have time to make friends with those who weren't genuinely interested in a real friendship. I didn't learn that until after middle school, though.

Not worth keeping? What does that mean? I liked people who just were... themselves. Not trying. I admired them for that quality because it's what I didn't have. I couldn't just let go. Metaphorically speaking, I lived life with my shirt tucked in. I wanted to stop judging myself based on how I thought others viewed me. That's what kept me in my shell for so long, I was afraid of what people would think of me when I opened my mouth. What would they say if they found out that I actually liked to go to the library and borrow poetry books? What would they do if they found out that, instead of going out drinking, I was at home writing, painting or searching for another song to add to my never-ending playlist because I was music-obsessed (and why is that so bad anyway ;)?

I learned how to take a deep breath in college. I came to know God more and how that should define my worth more than an opinion or my own ideas. I found someone who loved me for me, someone who also went through a similar phase; he's now my husband :). Learning how to just be is not so hard, after all. The only thing standing in the way of myself and the feeling of acceptance is me, my own mind and negative thoughts. It's interesting, God says he is the great "I AM"; God defines ultimate peace. Learning how to be for us humans is an on-going process, we will never be God but we can strive to live the way he did. We can learn how to be in him because he already is, that's why he says "I [just] AM".


Tracy said...

A very beautiful post, says a lot about you and your fine character. To just be is the best...our inner light shines more easier when we just let it go... :o) Happy weekend ((HUGS))

The Librarian said...

I love the fact that you are who you are. It's just so interesting that you write about it when I have been thinking about it for a long time: how I came to be who I was. You and I struggled with the same things, and we both wrote about it to each other through those times. I'm glad you didn't discard me, even though I didn't know myself. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm happy that you wrote this. Plenty of what you expressed here resonate with me and it's comforting to know that others feel the same. :)

Thanks for your comments about my blog's layout. It evolved quite a bit over the last 2 years and feel happy (momentarily). I'm glad you like it!

Speaking of layout and design, I love the simplicity of your layout. Your baby blue/coral color scheme and scalloped side bar borders are quite lovely. Love your banner!

Oh, and thanks for the link love. Your blog has made a home on my Link Love page, as well! :D

Sophie A. said...

Tracy: Thank you for the kind words :). It means a lot coming from a sweetheart like you!

Jenny: Yes, I know what you mean! I think it's neat that we were able to remain penpals/friends for so long and witness these changes via snail mail :).

Puglyfeet: Thanks again for stopping by! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for the sweet comments about my blog/banner :). I'll be visiting your place again soon. Love your style!

Tiffany said...

Thanks for your openness and honesty. Everyone probably struggles with "how to [just] be" but not everyone talks about it. I know I certainly have gone through it (and still do at times). Thanks for the reminder that God loves us just as we are.

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