Saturday, October 3, 2009

Praying for another miracle

Life is one trust-fall after another. When we think we're standing tall and confident, God's down below ready to catch us. Even though we can't see him, he's caught us plenty of times before. So why is it then when we have to take a new plunge, we hesitate as if it's the first time? As if a human with arms that can easily break is standing in God's place?

I've had a love-hate relationship with doctors, well maybe not hate ;). They can be such pessimists, quite cocky too. They'll tell us we have no chance at life sometimes, then God miraculously intervenes and they're left speechless. They'll say we need surgery for our bodies to work... then, after much prayer, our bodies kick in to gear -- God's responsible for those gears, but most doctor's won't admit that.

My reproductive endocrinologist laughed when I walked into her office a few days ago. She said "I guess I just had to scare you about the surgery ;)." I was a little irked, I know it was a joke, but little did she know about all the praying taking place behind the scenes. The fact that I conceived this baby has nothing to do with her and everything to do with God. But whatever, I laughed too and held back my human need to lash out like a smart aleck. And like the surgery is a laughing matter, in any context?

I hold the same bitter feelings toward the curt radiologist who's been analyzing my past two ultrasounds. Yes, the guy knows what he's talking about, and I guess I can't blame him for being the temporary bearer of bad news. The first ultrasound revealed a large cyst on my left ovary; thankfully it's gone now. But there was something a little more worrisome in this last ultrasound. A blood clot between the placenta and uterus, or what they call a subchorionic hematoma; they happen in about 1% of pregnancies.

It isn't tiny but it isn't huge... but it is three times the current size of the baby, which is scary. Sometimes these blood clots will be reabsorbed by the body; other times, the body bleeds them out... unfortunately, other times there's a total loss because the clot causes the placenta and baby to totally dislodge from the uterine wall. I had some cramping and mild bleeding before the ultrasound, but the nurses said it was "normal." The radiologist later said it was the clot causing the bleeding. I'm praying my body's getting rid of it, but I do freak out every time I start to cramp. Needless to say, I'm taking it very easy until the next ultrasound. This clot could grow or disappear, I'm hoping it'll disappear without any more bleeding. Let's face it, bleeding during pregnancy is scary.

So here I am again, at God's feet. Praying for a different miracle this time... I know he can sustain the life of this child. When doctors say they can't do anything more, that's when he intervenes (but, obviously, he's been known to intervene a lot sooner). My mom had full placenta previa when she was pregnant with my brother, then the placenta moved "by itself" (aka thanks to God's hand). I was born with a hole in my heart and that "magically healed on it's own" ;). Who am I to question God's omniscience now?

I've already had the talk with Him. This is his kiddo before it's mine, I know, so if he wants it back in heaven, I can't argue. It won't be easy to deal with, but he has his reasons... and so far, all the reasons for the previous ugly situations in my life have turned out to be pretty good ones :). For instance, I wouldn't be married to my best friend if not for some other ugly occurrences in my life. I've learned that nothing is a coincidence.


Tracy said...

Oh, Sophie...My thoughts and many, many prayers going out to you that this baby is yours for keeps!! Hang in there, sweetie :o) ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

I love your outlook...and happen to share it. It is a hard-won perspective to have, but worth it, in my opinion.

Here's to the power of prayer - may you have tremendous peace in the months to come.


wide open spaces said...

I'm believing for a long lifetime of miracles for you & this sweet baby - starting now.

i have been listening to some teaching podcasts from bethel church that have so stirred my faith as of late. you may want to check them out.

much love, Emily

Sophie A. said...

Thank you all for your encouraging words/thoughts/prayers. Jennifer and Emily, thanks so much for stopping by! :)

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