Valentine's Day Photo Session

Instead of giving away cards this year, we decided to share our sweetest Valentine with everyone this year by sending out photos :).

Encouragement

I DVRd an interview-type show on the new Oprah channel a few days ago. Maya Angelou was the honored guest last week; I finally got a chance to watch it yesterday. I've read a few of her poems, and until yesterday I appreciated her work from a distance, but this special captured her strength and beauty as a person so well that I now respect Maya Angelou on an entirely different level.

She's more than familiar with suffering. But she doesn't present herself as a victim, and she doesn't just discuss how she's overcome the difficulties she's experienced (from being raped at age 7, to being mute until age 6 and undergoing emotional abuse because of it). Her way of communicating reflects the kind of strength that I lack. She is a wise woman, and I'm glad I got to hear her speak--even if it was behind a television screen.

Toward the end of the show, she shared a quote that I hadn't heard before, and then she went on to explain the truth behind it. This is how it's re-quoted on this site:

"If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody; if a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or Malcolm X; if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born—it means so can you. And so you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize, 'Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.' That's one thing I'm learning." — Dr. Maya Angelou

The part that wasn't included on the site resonated with me most. When she first shared the quote, "I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me," she brought up some of the worst of us. Those who have committed the most heinous crimes, including "the bigot and the batterer". We refer to those crimes as "inhuman". The irony is, the crimes were committed by a human. She explained that we all have the potential to commit those wrongs, because we are all human. Considering we're all sinners, that's not a difficult concept to grasp mentally. Still, when I heard the quote I felt guilty because I knew that in my heart I often fail. The playing field is level, though. It's discouraging to hear, and to believe that the person on death row is our spiritual twin brother...

But then she brought up another truth. Mother Theresa is also our sister. Inspired by the love of God in her heart, she shared so much of herself with those in need and impacted all of us, directly and indirectly.

The beauty in the quote is what else it reveals: we have a choice! We are capable of so much evil, and so much good. Having God in our lives liberates us--that's what the apostles in the Bible say; on the show, Maya Angelou also said many times that "love liberates". I can't ignore this key verse, either "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8). The two are one in the same. So it makes sense that if we are lacking Love we are limited in our choices, and how we behave.

I guess I can say that I grasp a bit more how understanding God's love truly liberates us; we're able to rise above ourselves, or the innate evil in us (as discouraging as that word is), and love like he loved us. After all, isn't that essentially what the true peacemakers, from Mother Theresa to Ghandi, were able to do?

When the going gets tough?

Proof that spring does arrive in this town!

When the going gets tough, what do you do? How do you cope?

We're in the middle of another test, or rough time. Mirabel is sick AGAIN, probably because I had to keep taking her to the doctor the last few weeks for a cough from her last cold that wouldn't go away. Both Jose and I have asthma, and it seemed like an asthmatic cough to me. She would wake up every night coughing and coughing for a month straight. On the last visit, the doctor gave her a nebulizer, but it scares her. She hates the noise and freaks out when she just sees the mask.

She's sick again and the cough is even worse. Multiple times a day we have to take her into the bathroom, turn on the shower, and hope the steam helps some.

Right before she got sick, she wasn't sleeping well. As in, waking up about 10 times a night. When she's officially sick, she really doesn't sleep at all. My immune system doesn't operate very well when sleep-deprived, so now I'm getting sick for the 5th time in less than a year.

To top it off, the weather is horrendous. We've been told Boston has never been this bad. We live in one of the oldest parts of the city, and it seems they aren't prepared to deal with these conditions (they meaning the electric company). We had another power outage during the last storm. We're expected to get hit with yet another snow storm this week, so we are preparing for another power outage.

We also haven't gone outside in days. We tend to lock ourselves indoors when the weather is this bad. It hit the negative temps yesterday, so the weather really isn't suitable for taking a brisk walk.

I hate that I'm complaining about it, but I don't like keeping stuff bottled up either. I feel exhausted, emotionally and physically. We haven't seen family in months, and we only have each other to get by (as in, Jose has me and I have him). Poor Mirabel is also becoming more sad. She's been whining non-stop these past couple of feverish days, I couldn't even put her down to use the restroom yesterday morning.

When the going gets tough, I pray. Sometimes it's just a really simple "God, help me, " but sometimes that's enough for a boost. Right now I'm sitting under a blanket on the living room foor, waiting for the doctor to return my call while I'm surrounded by dirty plates left over from a hearty breakfast. It's times like these when even dirty dishes become something to be thankful for. Thank God I have nutritious food to eat for breakfast. Thank God for this warm blanket, for the sweater I'm wearing, that the baby is sleeping peacefully, that I have a doctor who personally takes the time to call me back. Thank God that winter is only a few months long. Thank God that he set up the seasons so that spring follows winter. Boston winters might be brutal, but the spring is more beautiful here than anywhere else.

If I force myself (yes, sometimes it requires FORCING) to focus on, or document a list of, the positive, it inevitably leads to an attitude change.

When somebody loves you, it's no good unless they love you all the way...

A few nights ago, we shared a tasty dinner with friends. We talked about a few different topics, like marriage, and how some folks rush into it without considering the amount of dedication required to make it work. Though I know marriage isn't for everyone, I can honestly say that I'm learning more about myself as an individual now that I'm married than before, when I was single. I think I am one of those people who was meant to get married. That definitely doesn't mean that marriage life comes naturally; like in many other areas of life, I usually am my own worst enemy.

I am very insecure. We all have our personal insecurities, and though I certainly have my bad hair days, or days when I wish my teeth were straighter or my face was blemish free, I am more insecure about feeling accepted as a person. I think, sometimes, that it's more difficult to get along with someone who is insecure about their personality, or inner self, than their outer appearance. Though I'm not a plastic surgery advocate in the least bit, sometimes I feel like I could really use an attitude lift. And by lift, I mean it. A lift in how I view myself--an ability to see myself the way God sees me, so that constructive criticism can be just that, constructive.

The irony of it all is that I am very critical of myself, and I highly doubt (when I'm in my right mind) that anyone else is as critical of me. Kind of like when we look in the mirror, see a tiny zit, and suddenly feel like it's taking over, pushing our eyes and nose aside, growing larger by the second like the mutant that it is[n't]. We are completely convinced that everyone can see it. Of course, we only feel that way because paranoia has driven us to look in every mirror (or reflection on any window!) so many times that we've memorized exactly where the spot rests on our face.

Believe me, I have been there and done it! The details say it all. It's a fact, we are all flawed, physically and emotionally. I wouldn't even say that I magnify my character flaws that much, but rather, I magnify the extent to which those flaws are a part of who I am. So as a result, who I am is someone who isn't worth loving--because the flaws are so terrible. And of course, when I receive any kind of criticism, it strikes the most insecure aspect of my character. I decided, "That's it, this person doesn't love me because I'm unlovable. Obviously, if they have to criticize me it's because I'm not good enough." The criticism, though constructive, becomes the sad excuse I use to distance myself. It was once a survival mechanism, but now it's a stumbling block. I become distant and angry, and just no fun.

Feeling good enough is something I've struggled with since I was a kid. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but that character flaw expresses itself in very childish ways sometimes (or I should say, I express myself in very childish ways). Why can't I get it through my head that I'm 26 and not 2! Yes, I know I'm small(as far as my stature goes!) but I can be bigger than that.

When someone who I don't know very well offers a bit of constructive criticism, it isn't such a big deal. I get irked, but I blow it off because I feel like I haven't lost anything. But when, say, my spouse suggests that I may need a reality check because I'm being ridiculous--then I feel it like a paper cut that's been soaked in lime juice and dipped in salt water.

I'm going to be honest. I value sincere relationships. I really don't like being fake or making it seem like I have a perfect life, or a perfect anything. But on that same note, there are only a few people I am very close to. Mostly, because of this insecurity I have. Jose and I were very open and sincere with each other when we were dating, and we still are. I love how that kind of sincerity led to our marriage. But with sincerity comes the honest truth, and the tearing off of the bandaids. Open wounds and honest truth--now that's like chili on a gaping wound, not a paper cut.

I'll say it again. I was meant to get married. I enjoy the emotional intimacy, and I know that I wouldn't have this kind of opportunity to grow in any other relationship, with anyone else. It's often said that some folks get married with the false belief they'll find completion in their spouse. I didn't give into that way of thinking; I felt complete before getting married. However, what I didn't quite grasp before marriage was that I'd only come to know myself completely with the help of this certain help mate, the one I was meant to marry.

This certain someone (Jose :) would do that by simply (or not so simply) living out his vows, and going the extra mile. Just because we love our spouse "for better or for worse" doesn't mean that we have to stop there. When they are at their worst, the sincerity of our godly love and unconditional companionship should encourage them to go from worse, to better, to best.

I know I'm with the one because I'm learning what it means to be at my best, with him and because of him.