Easter Weekend 2012

I'll be positive and say this Easter weekend was mostly great :) (though I didn't get a picture of her in her homemade Easter dress on Sunday b/c I was sick!). We went to our church's Easter egg hunt this Saturday, and thankfully that was before I came down with another bug (AGAIN), so I was able to get to watch Mirabel collect a few easter eggs, fly a kite (and chase kites--she loves them)...

She decorated an easter cookie and enjoyed it. We also made Easter cookies at home on Thursday afternoon (but she mostly just ate the frosting then; Jose has that picture :). She also decorated Easter eggs with her aunt on Saturday--Jose also has those pics on his phone ;).

And we got a nice surprise when we found out Jose didn't have to work Friday. I took a few shots of her outside running around since it was such a nice, sunny day.

...and that picture was captured right as she ran into me to give me a hug. Notice the blue and white shirt with the bump? That's Juliette :). Mirabel is finally starting to understand (I think) that there's a baby in there. She likes to talk to her by blowing raspberries on my stomach. It's quite the site. How was your Easter weekend?

Hope I make sense

Mirabel is finally asleep! I know it's funny that my last post was about her new glorious sleeping habits. Though she is 100% weaned, her sleep patterns are very sensitive. My mom came to visit over the weekend, and Mirabel gets so attached to her--to quite a few people, really. I've never seen a kid get so clingy with people before. She gets to the point where she doesn't even want to go to sleep, because she doesn't want them to go (even if they are still there while she is asleep). On top of that, goodbyes have always been somewhat traumatic for her. She's been like that since I could remember.

Anyhow, these past few days she hasn't wanted to nap. It's like she's scared that I'll disappear while she's asleep. I wish I could talk to her about it. We try, but I'm not sure how much she actually understands.

After reading Ali's blog post today, it made me realize that I'm not actually the only mom who has her own crying sessions! What a relief ;)! Today I had one. I try so hard to make this child happy. But sometimes I feel like she's the boss that can't be pleased. Motherhood is all about that though, right? You just give and give, and when they can't talk it's hard because they can't express their appreciation (and when they can talk, there are other issues that arise ;). You'll never hear a toddler say, "Mommy, I know my screaming fit at the store really embarrassed you today. I know you feel like a bad mom. But I love you no matter what! I'm not mad at you, I'm mad because I can't express my emotions any other way!" So, instead, we have to give ourselves little pep talks. Stop and pray for a moment, then realize that this is true love.

When I finally looked up from my lunch plate after shedding a few tears, I noticed the sign on our wall, right above our dining room table. It says "Love: Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another." And to that I said AMEN! Motherhood is all about giving and giving, even when you're exhausted and you feel like you don't have much left to give. That's why it's important to have a support system. At the root of that support system should be the Heavenly Father, the one who truly understands what it's like to give to his children and not get much in return. But there are other key relationships, too.

I truly wish I had a mom figure in town. It would be so wonderful. But instead, I have made a few friends who help boost my spirits while they share their own toddler tales with me. Until a few weeks ago, there was still something missing. A feeling of connection with our church.

We ended up switching churches, to find something closer to home, in every sense of the word. The people were kind at our old church, but we just weren't connecting. I'm not sure if our culture had anything to do with it, maybe it was even our age, but fellowship was something we were longing for, trying for, and weren't getting...until a few weeks ago.

We found a church about 2 miles away from home that feels like it could be our second home. An answer to prayer came just after we started attending. I looked in the bulletin and noticed there was a "Moms Mentoring Moms" group/meeting about to start. I attended the first meeting last Thursday, and I have to say, I think this is going to turn out to be what I've been needing in my life.

Some sweet older lady came up to us around our second visit to the church. It's funny because I actually thought to myself, "Maybe she can be like a grandma to Mirabel." She was talking about Mirabel and she seemed very sweet and open; this generous lady had a warmth about her that was very grandmotherly. To my surprise (actually, I wanted to laugh) when I attended the first Moms Mentoring Moms meeting, I discovered that she was the host/co-leader! On top of that, she finished the meeting by saying, "When I was a young mom and wife, I didn't have anyone to look up to (connect with). But I admired a few women in the church. They didn't know this, but I would take note of how they behaved as mothers and wives; how they cooked and kept their homes. They have no idea, but they were my mentors. Now I want to be your mentor. If you ever need a meal, or someone to talk to, we [her and the co-leader] want to be the people you come to." They both talked about how much they enjoyed being grandmothers, and how they wished there was a group like this for them when they were young mothers. Like I said, after hearing their speech I really wanted to laugh. What an answer to prayer. And how funny that it turned out to be the exact woman I'd considered adopting as Mirabel's "local" grandma just a few weeks beforehand! Maybe I can tell her that one of these days.

Being a stay at home mom these days, I think, is a bit harder than it used to be. I think it's because we're more disconnected as a culture. Communities aren't what they used to be, from what I've heard. Not that I would know from first hand experience, but a friend of mine shared how her mom befriended the neighbor... [this post is now being interrupted by a nap that was cut too short... Pressing "Save Now." I'll be back soon!] They would often watch each other's children, etc. My grandmother had a similar experience with a few people that lived close by. I know my neighbors, but they are the quiet sort. We chit chat here and there, but you can usually tell when people would rather keep their garage door closed than open.

You'd expect more from churches. But not all of them are inviting, I know. It takes some time to get connected, or to find a place that you feel is sincere in its faith. But I'm hoping we've found a place we can become rooted in, because a similar last name isn't the only thing that makes family. And I really believe we weren't meant to do this [parenting] on our own.

A new routine

I am happy to report that after nearly 2 years of nursing and night-nursing, Mirabel is 99.5% weaned and very, very few tears were involved (and I'm not just talking about her). She's sleeping in her own bed and even lets her dad tuck her in at night and at nap time. Who knew that all it would take were 3 simple words... Go to sleep. Yep, that's pretty much all we said to her.

It started about 2 weeks ago. I didn't want to celebrate too soon. There were a couple of minor bumps along the way. Some nights she'd still wake up quite often, but would thankfully get settled back to sleep without requesting a nursing session. Then she came down with a cold--that always takes a toll on her sleep routine.

But these past few nights she's been sleeping 8-9 hours straight without waking. After that, we let her climb into bed with us, and she sleeps an hour or 2 more. She's never been the kind of kid that sleeps 12 hours, so this is definitely an improvement from before. I remember about 2 nights before we started this process, I was awake at some odd hour in the early morning, completely anxious. So many thoughts were going through my head. I didn't know how she would respond to my being away at the hospital when it came time to have this baby. I was certain that she would have some kind of nervous breakdown, considering how much she would cry when I wasn't there to nurse her before. This is a very dramatic child. But, thankfully, she is talking so much more and understanding even more words than she can speak, so we are actually able to reason with her.

Reason with a not-even-2-year old? Yep, I didn't think it could be done. There was a lot of praying involved, too, believe me! Now we are pretty much on an everyday sleep routine. Setting up a solid routine of napping at almost the same exact time every day, and getting in bed at night at the same time every evening helped, yes. But I honestly believe she was as ready for this next step as I was.

...And I think she has an idea that another baby is coming. Jose told her to give me a kiss a few weekends ago, and she kissed my belly and smiled. She sees the ultrasound pictures and says, "baby". She is taking on the big sister role quite nicely. So far ;)...

Now, of course, I still have some anxiety about how I'm going to balance 2 kiddos. But I know it can be done; plenty of women have successfully done it before me. I think the benefit of her having a sibling to play with, and getting to see our immediate family grow, will definitely outweigh any struggles we might face the first few months. It's all about finding a new routine.

The funny thing is, routines don't just work for daughters. I think they're a must for the sanity of a stay-at-home mom. I feel truly blessed that I get to raise Mirabel full time, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I often miss the companionship of folks my own age, even if it's just interacting with co-workers. But here's the secret. Playdates are just as much for moms as they are for babies and toddlers! Maybe even more.

I think the other secret is to not lose yourself. Recycle that thought, throw all the other negative ones out.

All these changes that have been taking place lately have caused me to think about how much I've learned since Mirabel was born. I've also been reflecting on how I'm going to do things differently the second time around. I'm not referring to taking a different approach to parenting, but rather, remembering that parenting isn't actually all about just parenting. Yes, there's a survival mechanism that turns on when a newborn comes home. But at some point, the autopilot setting must be turned off. Otherwise, you'll forget who you are and you really won't be able to enjoy every moment as much.

Also, kids are not dumb. I've learned that when I'm having a "bad" day, Mirabel knows it and acts out. So taking time out for yourself, and remembering you, isn't a selfish thing at all. Your kiddos will thank you for it in how they behave.

These past two years have been so sweet. And hard. Wondering if I was somehow responding to tantrums "the wrong way". (And having a few tantrums of my own.) Struggling to smile and remain patient after only a few short hours of sleep over a period of days. (And crying when I was certain that I'd failed miserably.) Surviving the first trimester mostly alone, just the kiddo and me, while my husband was working on the deal of his life, putting in nearly 80 hours a week. (Thankfully, he's home a lot more these days. :)

But there were many truths I couldn't deny, even on the roughest days... like.
Mirabel started smiling when she was 2 weeks old and hasn't stopped since; she's truly happy. She is so outgoing and confident, meaning she's secure in herself (Wow! I guess we didn't do that bad of a job; she must feel loved!). She is talking and understanding. She is empathetic and knows when others are sad, and she feels sad along with them--what a tender heart.

Yes, there were tantrums. Yes, she refused to eat solid foods until way past her first birthday, and, of course, it took her some time to appreciate what it means to get a good night's rest.

Right now, though, I'm getting a glimpse of her true character. These past few months it seems she's been developing at an exponential rate, both emotionally and psychologically. The tantrums are happening less frequently and she's learning to obey. (What a beautiful thing that is! Of course, she still knows how to use her scream, but the moments when she listens to us are worth celebrating.) I can have conversations with her. During quiet times when we're eating dinner together, or having a snack, she looks at me and smiles for what seems to be no reason, other than the fact that she is happy and content. My heart melts. I feel good. I've found a true friend in my first born, what a blessing that is.

And this is just part I! Who knows what this little girl growing inside of me will be like. Yes, I may know the gender, but it'll feel like Christmas when I get a glimpse of her personality on her birth day. Believe me, we knew that Mirabel had a powerful personality and set of lungs before she even opened her eyes for the first time :).

It's not always sunshine and roses, but, in all honesty, what do I have to complain about?

Thank heaven for little girls...

Looks like we'll be welcoming a little girl into our home on August 25th, 2012 :). I'm gonna wait to announce the name, but I wanted to at least share the sweet news.

I feel so blessed to have another little girl! I've got so much clothing, there really isn't much I need to buy. Plus, I'm hoping she and Mirabel will be close, since they will be relatively close in age. I always wanted that kind of sister bond; I am so thankful Mirabel will have the opportunity to have that kind of friendship. I can already see them taking ballet classes together!

I was also thinking about what it'll be like when they both have children! Eep! I know, that's not for a LONG time, but I like to think ahead, you know me. Daughters and moms have a special relationship, especially when those daughters become mothers. I won't bust out in song, but I'm glad I'll be able to be there for them at that time, throw them showers, watch their children...and hopefully they'll still want me in their lives when they're teenagers, too.

Yes, I would eventually like a little boy. But how and when we get him, whether through adoption or through a natural birth, really doesn't matter. I'll be enjoying my little girls in the meantime...

And we will be taking a little break after this. The thought of not physically having another child makes me feel really sad, so I don't think this is the end for me... but I am DEFINITELY giving my body a break for a few years. Plus, I want to spend some quality time with my two little girls. Mirabel is growing up so fast already, and I know time is going to continue to fly by even faster.

Hope

I enjoyed this explanation of how hope can become an active part of our entire lives, instead of just a nice concept we only entertain during the good times.

A little (actually, kinda big) project

I got bored with my hair last week and cut it all off. I think a little over 11.5 inches. I've been wanting to do it for awhile, but I developed a strange attachment to long hair after a bad experience in high school (note to self: only Halle Berry and a few gorgeous others can pull off that kind of cut, but not me!). This cut is fresh but not nearly as traumatizing.

I only have to spend about 5 minutes on the hair now! So wonderful! I've got the thick, curly/wavy kind so long hair usually requires about 5 different products and lots of time, if I want to wear it down. These days, I like to devote that time to other things...

Other than in the bathroom (LOL) I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen, with my kitchen helper. She really enjoys playing with flour and water (or pouring either one from one measuring cup to another).

Yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about how productivity boosts the spirits. I really miss making things. Food also happens to be my husband's love language. He's been wanting tamales for awhile... And for awhile, I've been too much of a weenie to attempt making them. I decided that I had better act while the inspiration was there :). So I called my grandma, got her recipe/tips, and made tamales for the first time (it was a two day process)! I still need a lot of work in the technique department (wrapping them properly, not overstuffing them, etc). I was also hoping to make some sweet dessert ones (my grandma makes some with nuts and pineapple--so good!), but after two dozen savory tamales I was pretty pooped. Half the masa is still in the fridge, but I hear it freezes well. I'll save the rest for the next practice batch :).

Little Revelations

There are little moments in life that let you know you're doing something right. They can easily go unnoticed.

A few days ago, Mirabel went up to her dad's office door and called out for him. It was the middle of the week, some time in the late afternoon while he was at work.

A few days later, he walked out the back door to take the trash to the curb. She began crying pretty heavily as soon as the door shut. She stood by the door until he returned.

This morning she woke up too early. Usually she won't go back to sleep without me, but she cuddled up against him and fell right back to sleep.

Little girls don't love their dads like this unless they feel secure with them. I would know.

She has something so wonderful. It makes me feel like I've done something right.

The cycle has been broken; that's what I've always wanted for my family.

Explanation

I've got a fixed, forward stare and
I don't miss anything behind me,
Including myself.

explanation: During tough times, I keep looking forward. But I also realize that I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm stronger. So I don't miss the weaker person.


I'm slowly losing faith in the consistency of
what my senses can experience.
God's voice has become clearer in this loss.
Still, it is only a whisper.

explanation: We're not supposed to get our happiness from things we can touch, feel, taste, etc. Everything on Earth is changing, so we can't depend on it for our joy. We can only trust that there is Someone who is unchanging. When we trust in him instead of what our senses can experience, we hear his voice more. Whatever the circumstances.

The storm's white noise
Distorts His voice.

explanation: But there are going to be tough times. During those tough times, it's easy to let negativity deafen the message that God is trying to give us.

I transition into a sleepwalking state.

explanation: So I go into auto-pilot...because I'm not exactly sure what to do. But I haven't lost all hope. Because I still have faith.

But my subconscious is aware
of the Intercessor's prayers.

explanation: We are told that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.

Romans 8:28 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

He speaks
When I've lost the words,
So I can understand
What I haven't heard.

explanation: He prays for me when I don't know what to pray for, but I keep looking to him for strength. Also, he speaks to us when we are going through tough times if we choose to listen. He uses those tough times to silence us with his peace so that he can give us the message we've been missing. Everything happens for a reason, to teach us something, I really believe that.

So, symbols and analogies aside, life is pretty tough right now. Let me begin with the truth. I am so thankful that my husband was blessed with a job, especially considering some kids fresh out of law school don't have jobs (Harvard degrees don't matter these days). I am beyond blessed that I am NOT barren; something I thought I was just a few years ago. I never go without food, shelter or love. Wow! That's a lot to be thankful for, believe me, I am. I focus on those things when I get sucked into the negativity. I'm human after all, and need to be constantly coming back to God in prayer for refueling, otherwise I screw up. I'm really good at screwing up.

Anyway, the other side of the story. I will try to be as candid as possible without sounding like a spoiled, ungrateful child.

My poor husband (yes, I do pity him), has had to work EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 3 weeks. He is working like crazy. It is in him to give his all, but right now he's working on a huge deal. Literally. Sadly, it's not the deal itself or even the work that weighs on his strong spirit. It's having a boss that I've never heard anyone in the office utter a positive remark about. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say that he...is probably not a very happy person. It's quite sad, actually.

I don't have a perfect husband, but he is one of the strongest spirits I know. It takes a lot to make him sad. He has been a rock for our family during tough times, and a rock for his own family. So you can imagine how rough this situation must be if he is struggling to maintain that unbreakable, joyful personality.

I'm not that strong. I get very lonely. I make every effort to socialize and get out. There are days, as I have explained, that I cannot seem to make it out...because I'm stuck in the bathroom, in pain, with my iphone in my hand (attempting to keep my irritated toddler content with Cullen's ABC's on YouTube). It's actually a pretty funny site. I just wish I could laugh more about it. This happens about 2 to 3 times a week, but I'm in constant pain these days. Believe me, the gluten free diet made a HUGE difference when I wasn't pregnant. But, friends, I also have IBS (explanation here). It isn't really an issue when I'm not pregnant, in fact it is HARDLY an issue. Pregnancy hormones trigger it for me. Around the time women start getting morning sickness, the monster in my gut decides to wake from its slumber. It was a moderate issue with my first pregnancy. This time, it's really, really bad. So bad that I'm considering not giving birth to any more kids. I do want more, though, so adoption it will be. Who knows, maybe I will muster up the courage to have another one in a few years, but I don't know if that's the healthiest decision. I haven't gained any weight so far. With Mirabel I gained 15 pounds the first 3 months. That seems like a lot, but I am really thin. In fact, I'm 5'3" and not even 100 pounds! So I'm just praying for this baby's safety. This is why I was so happy to see that the baby had a heartbeat and that it was measuring right on target. God's hand is on that kid. See, being skinny isn't that great. I really have to eat A TON to gain weight, and I don't view this as a good thing, especially now. I think I'm going to go see a dietitian or nutritionist. I'm trying to be as proactive about this as possible.

Anyhow, I still view my husband and I as a team. Thankfully, this work thing isn't destroying our marriage. I made the decision that that wouldn't happen. Also, my husband makes a HUGE effort to spend as much time with us as he can. He loses sleep, even. But the critical emails from the boss continue to trail in, even past midnight. Last minute assignments are handed to Jose at 5 PM, so he usually doesn't get out of work before 7:30, sometimes it's 9 PM (and he leaves at 815 AM). No "Thank You's" are uttered. No apologies are ever made, even when they should be. Sundays at 11 AM are a good time for a 2 to 3 hour meeting, for this boss. Family life doesn't really seem to matter to him, poor guy. Truly, I have pity for the boss. I have to.

But one member of the team is usually missing. Moms, it's tough. You know what I'm talking about. But you know what? I'm doing it. And I haven't lost my faith. I still believe that God has his reasons, and I'm waiting to hear what I'm supposed to learn from all of this. I'm stronger today than I was yesterday, maybe that's what it's all about.

Words and music are my therapy. That's why I write. I would sing, but I don't want to scare anyone away ;), so I just blast music and dance, even if it's on my way to the bathroom for the 5th time that day :D.

Here's a song to get us thru:

I get a prize at the end

Three days in a row of posting! I must be spending a lot of time at home... I am. And the better part of yesterday was spent in the restroom. Sadly, I think I might've developed some new intolerances with this pregnancy, so no more dairy for me. Hopefully that will take care of it. Praying it does.

I wonder how I'll look back at these times five years from now. And I also wonder how I would've experienced all of this 5 years ago? This all seemed so impossible five years ago--pregnancy. You'd think I'd stop using that word altogether. It puts limits on the possibility for miracles, and God's mysterious ways. Kind of like this situation.

I've made some friends over the past few months. Things were a little more quiet in that department when we lived in Boston. Mostly, because I worked full time and wanted to spend any free moments with Jose. I have a slight fear of losing friends, especially during times when I'm spending more time at home sick than out and about. I hope they understand. Still, a playdate is scheduled for tomorrow morning at a nearby park. I'll be there, sick or not. Even if I can only stay for a few minutes, at least I tried. I've got to accept that, too. These are the friends I prayed for, after all. I've got to remember that.

So these are the thoughts that come up when I slow down. What do you think about when life forces you to let your daily routine go?

Growing up

It's amazing how much sleep can make a difference in your day. I went into bed at 8 last night and Jose put Mirabel to sleep. It took me awhile to actually fall asleep (wanted to talk to the husband), but it was nice to rest.

In spite of a tough night the previous evening, we tried to stay entertained at home yesterday. We haven't been too busy; I enjoy taking it easy these days. Thankfully, Mirabel is (fairly) easily entertained (or, when she wants to be :), so she had fun exploring the front and back yard. She grabbed her purse and cell phone and ventured out the door. Mirabel is becoming such a little woman. She has more of the little girl look than the baby look these days. Makes me sad :(. But I love how interactive she's become.

Sounds like I'm talking about a doll, but the things she does! For instance...

Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready, she insisted on wearing lip balm. I have a little container from The Body Shop that she LOVES to play with. So I gave her the lip balm. But then she saw the eye lash curler and tried using it on herself. She also enjoys rubbing lotion on her face... and she has a collection of purses. But if you enter our home with a new and bigger (and, of course, more exciting) purse, she will leave the ones she has behind and explore every nook and cranny of yours until she's completely emptied it out and tested out the lipsticks (to see if they're her shade, duh! ;).

So here she is on her outdoor exploration with her purse and leapfrog cell phone (great gift from grandma :).

See the cell phone and how she holds her purse? Her expression is hilarious. This is one of the few times she's actually let me put her hair up. :) She's admiring an airplane in the photo next to it.

This shot was taken right before she got mad at Elmo for not sitting in the chair the way she wanted him to. She didn't forget to apologize with a hug at the end, though. The photo next to it was taken before nap time. I think she's thinking about how to get Elmo to cooperate a little better. Maybe I'm just projecting... :D

Making a quick stop at the mail box. She wanted to test out the quality of her cell phone's reception by sticking it inside one of the boxes.

That concludes one of our mornings :).

Believe me, I just said another prayer...

I find myself thinking/saying a lot, "I can't do this" or, "Wow! I didn't think I could do this but I just did it."

That happens a lot in matters related to sleep and health, and parenting :). Sleep has been an on/off issue for awhile. We were doing great. Then all of a sudden the waking up 6-10 times a night started all over again. I'm not sure what to do any more. I've tried everything in an effort to get this kid to sleep better. This weekend, we are going to try something all over again. I need it to work.

Some days I'm so tired, I truly feel like collapsing. That's especially true this first trimester. Dealing with a sleepless toddler for 12 hours a day and a rush of pregnancy hormones is tough. But, God, you know what. I'm blessed. I HATE being negative, but I need to get this out. Please bear with me.

Nothing lasts forever. One day, I'll be so sad that these times are gone. I'm looking forward to getting to hear this new baby's heartbeat for the first time (next week). Looking forward to the first steps, to seeing Mirabel's reaction when she fully understands that she has a sibling; getting to see them bond and develop a sweet relationship...

But right now I'm literally getting by one second at a time. Been up since 4 AM. My stomach always becomes a wreck with pregnancy hormones, and I'm not just talking about nausea (surprisingly, that is mild). It's like my digestive system can't figure out how to respond to the changes, so it just goes to extremes. It's been interesting.

On to the positive. Wow, I got pregnant that easily! I didn't think this could happen. I truly thought it was going to take some serious medical intervention. I'm still in shock. The first time, even. Don't they say that the average person has only about a 30% chance of conceiving on the first try? Yet it happened to me, and I haven't even had a cycle since July 2009.

But I could never be on that show, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Believe me, I KNOW :)! If the breakouts on my face don't give it away, the exhaustion, serious heartburn, gas, indigestion, etc. DO :D.

Happy 2012!

Last year around this time, we were fighting off snow storms and trying to stay warm despite power outages and below-zero temperatures. It was our first Cambridge winter with a baby, and our last Cambridge winter EVER.

Today, we celebrated the new year with open windows and 60 something degree temperatures. We're a little more South than last year (or a lot), and we got to spend the holiday season with family.

I like to look at life in terms of overall successes, instead of day to day failures. We're better off this year than we were last year, and not just in terms of warmth and sunshine.

This year we learned how to find and appreciate the balanced life. There's a time for work and a time for family. Yes, Jose has an awesome job that keeps him away 60-70 hours a week sometimes, but that's not all I'm referring to when I talk about "time for family" (he does a great job of balancing it all, by the way). We've learned how to make it work. Our time together is richer. We spend less time on the computer and more time talking to each other.

A full time job as a mom is also work. I've learned how to accept help without feeling inadequate. I'm learning that by taking these breaks, I'm actually investing in my family. I have more to offer, because I get a chance to refuel. Thankfully, I have a wonderful helpmate for a husband who supports and respects my job. Sometimes a break means hiring a sitter for a few hours so I can cook a meal without interruptions. Other times it means taking my parents up on their offer to babysit when they visit so we can go on a date (because they truly enjoy it! Plus, this is their not-so-indirect way of making sure they get more grandkids HA :).

But this year I want to focus more on words instead of actions. Whether I keep them to myself as thoughts, speak them into prayers, or share them with someone else, I want my words to reflect appreciation... Speaking more appreciative words to my husband... Spending more time praying for the blessings in my life (people) and thanking God for them, instead of planning and organizing...

I can already tell you that I've messed up on January 1st, 2012 :)! There are a few hours left, though. That's why I like to look at the big picture. If the picture I see on December 31, 2012 is any clearer than the one I saw on December 31, 2011, then I must be doing something right. And don't get me wrong, I love what I see. Just a few touch-ups need to be made. But honestly, it has to do with where I'm standing... and next year I hope to be standing closer to the Light that reflects the truth. That's what I hope for every year, or every day, really.

Quick Update

...quick because I am forcing myself to take naps these days. It really helps!

Anyhow, I went to the doctor for 2 blood tests on two different days. Hormones were supposed to have doubled in 48 hours in that timeframe and they more than quadrupled, so we're kinda safe...for now. The appointment for detecting a heartbeat is set for January 31st at 10:45, I think (I didn't write it down, was carrying a fussy toddler when the doctor called).

I'm feeling pretty great, but I'm only 4 weeks. Hoping it stays this way :).

My family is coming into town for Christmas. I couldn't resist and told my mom about the pregnancy. We're waiting to tell Jose's family on Christmas day, though. (I'm bad at keeping secrets like this...)

In other news, my brother really wanted a snowglobe for Christmas with his favorite animals in it. I searched all over the net and couldn't find one...so here's one I whipped together following a few tips from Martha and also this lovely blogger's tutorial/tips.

Just wanted to share because, among all the excitement/hustle and bustle of daily living, there have also been some creative adventures.

An Early Christmas Gift: AKA PREGGGGGGGO

...and birthday present. The baby will be due a few days before my birthday!!!!!!!!!

And it happened on the first try.

I promise this is the last pee stick you'll see in awhile ;).

In case you were wondering...and a clarification of how OPKs work

So apparently the line on an OPK needs to be just as dark as the control line to be considered positive (a true LH surge which comes a day or so before the big O). The female body always produces LH, which is why a fine line commonly shows up on these tests.

I've been paying really close attention to everything my body does, in an effort to conceive without medical intervention. This is why I bought about 50 of these ovulation predictors :P.

Well, I had a feeling this would happen sometime this week, based on how I felt throughout the week. I am not temping, but I am reading the same signals I read/used when I got pregnant with Mirabel.

Thankfully, I was right. This is [finally] a positive test. Maybe in 2 1/2 weeks I'll see another positive test? :)

It's nice to know things are working as they should. Which is a complete blessing, considering my body has never been normal in the reproductive department.

Wow! It just occurred to me how awesome it would be to get pregnant that easily! And to think that's how it happens to most people.

Yes, I realize this is a lot of personal info for the average everyday blog about life, but this is what makes my life exciting. :D

OMG OMG OMG

My body might actually be working on its own folks!!!!! This is an ovulation test, not a pregnancy test... I'm so excited. Had to share here since I have some fellow PCOSers that read this blog! This is so exciting. I hope I'm not getting too excited over nothin'. It's a FRER. (Taken with my phone. Sorry it's blurry.)
NO MEDS, people!!!!!!

What I want for Christmas :)...

These are actually old photos, but at least I'm ahead of the game with a Christmas theme. These past few weeks have been interesting. Mirabel and I took turns getting pretty sick. The last sickness rendered me pretty useless as a mom for about a day. I actually had to wean her during the daytime because of a medicine I had to take. It was rough the first few days, but she's doing great now, and she doesn't even request a nursing session during her naptime! It's great. She's even sleeping better at night, as if she's realizing that she doesn't need to nurse to sleep. Last night was a little different, but I think it's because we had quite a few guests over late into the night for a Thanksgiving party (I believe the sleep issues had to do with over-stimulation).

She's starting to express herself a lot more. During the weaning week, it seemed she was having quite a few of these expressive moments, aka tantrums. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt like I was doing something wrong. After a bit of reading and praying, I realized that it wasn't that big of a deal, and that I just needed to tweak a few things here and there. I've learned not to take her bad days personally. Also, sometimes these meltdowns are just a result of needing to be held more (since I'm not nursing her, and she's always been very attached). So having more cuddle time during the day has helped. Also, she understands a lot more than I used to think. I have conversations with her during the meltdowns. It actually helps. I've even been able to talk her thru the screaming sessions in the cart, at the store. I explain to her that she needs to sit in the cart for awhile, and that she can get out in a few minutes. She understands, I think. But then she starts to scream again after 20 or so minutes of grocery shopping. Then I ask her to please say "out" and if she's able to communicate that to me without screaming, I give her a little break. SO far this is working, it might change today though ;). Just trying to keep up with all the changes. This is the most interesting developmental phase yet. We're still working on sharing. That's a little tougher...

And maybe it wouldn't be so tough if she actually had a sibling. Which brings me to the second major topic of the month: pregnancy. Nope, I am not pregnant. Not even close. I don't even know if anything is working. No sign of fertility; the clock isn't even ticking. This is why I have an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist scheduled for December 13th. I'm a little excited, but also not looking forward to riding the infertility roller coaster once again. Hoping for a second miracle. Clomid didn't work that first time. I'm not sure what's next. I'm also a bit hesitant to use the stronger stuff, after hearing the correlation between drugs that raise estrogen levels and breast cancer. Adoption is always an option, too. I would like to have one more, though, then adopt. But God's plans might be a bit different, which is why I'm trying to keep him in the picture (instead of trying to plan EVERYTHING).

Oh, and Jose passed the bar! He's already been working for a few months, but it seems that ever since we found out the news he's had to work nearly 12 hours a day and even on weekends! Glad he has a job, though, which is another reason why we feel it's a good time to have another one!

So TRUE

Just found this on Facebook. Took the words right out of my mouth.

Being a mom is the best and most difficult job. I love doing it and am so glad that I have the opportunity to stay at home with my little girl. She keeps me on my toes, but I like ballet :).

Imperfections

As a little girl, I loved dolls. I played "mom" but never really cared to have anyone fill the role of the father. I never really dreamt about being someone's wife. The idea of marriage seemed so far off and foreign... but, oh, I could not wait to be a mother. I used to say I wanted 10 kids (of course, this is before my little brother came along ;). One birthday I even remember receiving special diapers small enough to fit my dolls, and I was elated.

Funny thing is, until recently, I never had any idea how much that child's play impacted my way of thinking as an adult. I'm sure there are many ways to psychoanalyze this situation, and I have. But I'll just say that I've put too much pressure on myself to try to be "the perfect parent". The first person to point this out was my husband's uncle, who is a psychiatrist. :D

I'm not playing the martyr. Believe me, I have failed plenty of times. The funny thing is, it seems I failed the most when I was trying my best to not make any mistakes. I don't want Mirabel to look back on her childhood and ever doubt that I loved her--that's been my greatest driving force.

I'll get down to the heart of the matter. I'm tired. Really tired. But I've allowed myself to let my fear get the best of me, so it's really my own fault that I'm so tired. I've read so much conflicting data on the best way to get a little one to sleep thru the night. Not to mention, I'm bringing my baggage along with me, so I'm too scared to try anything. I've made so many excuses, but I've finally decided that I really do know what's best for my kid. Not the most enlightening discovery, but to me it is. I've doubted myself too much. Now I'm making a decision and sticking to it...because it's what's best for EVERYONE, not just my kid.

That's what I wasn't taking into account before. Mirabel still sleeps in our bed. Poor Jose has started sleeping on the twin mattress that was supposed to be Mirabel's!!! My desire to be a good mother should not conflict with my duty to be a loving wife. Jose has been so understanding, and he never complains. He knows my heart, and in the end he just wants us all to be happy, so he has never said anything. A discussion I was having with a friend over the sleep issue is what brought my role as a wife to the forefront, and I'm glad it did.

I don't mean to sound like a 1950s housewife. I'm not trying to say that it's my duty to make sure to keep my husband happy (LOL). That's his responsibility (and, thankfully, I'm married to someone who knows that). But marriage is a holy sacrament. If Mirabel sees how I let her sleep in our bed, instead of her dad, she will grow up to believe that husbands should come last.

A strong marriage creates the foundation for a strong family. Without it, everyone suffers.

Jose and I are happily married. I love him more now than the day we got married. I don't remember the last serious disagreement we got into, but I want our relationship to grow even more. I want to be that old couple in love, the ones who still hold hands after 50 years of marriage. But if I want that later, I have to do something now.

I'm not going to take the complete Cry It Out approach. But I'm also not going to let Mirabel sleep in our bed and munch at Mom's 24 hour Diner until she's 10. I'm also not judging anyone, though. There will be a few tears, but I will comfort her. I'm sure more of those tears will come from me. But this is what's best for EVERYONE.

I didn't even realize that I was idolizing motherhood. Because of how tired I am, I often fall asleep before thanking God for his many blessings. Jose and I started doing Bible readings together, but by the time Mirabel goes to sleep, my eyes are already pretty heavy. It's true that a strong marriage creates the foundation for a strong family. But God is supposed to be the one that keeps it all intact. I know he wants my attention, too.

So tonight starts my version of sleep training. I'm so tired of reading books/articles. In the end, we're just doing what works for us and makes us all better people, not perfect people.

Keeping it Colorful

I think I'm settling in to an official life routine now. Jose started work last Monday (they told him only a week before that he'd be starting early :). That same first day of work he called me and said he'd be leaving for Boston in 2 hours! I wanted to laugh. He got home Wednesday, and now he's working Monday-Friday. Most mornings Mirabel and I spend time with friends/go to a playdate. This morning we attended a mom's support group hosted by our church. It was really lovely.

They're discussing a book called The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson. I've been meaning to read that book. Oh, so many books I'm "meaning" to read :). I had to laugh at one point in the discussion when the leader mentioned that you know you have a strong-willed child when you're shopping and the grocery cart doesn't travel in a straight line, because you're constantly going this way and that with your kiddo. Conversely, if you have an easy kiddo you can shop while eyeing everything on the shelves instead of your kid's next move.

Mirabel is full of life. That's how I like to put it. Her highs are high and her lows are low. So when she's happy, she'll smile and laugh and talk up a storm (in her own language, of course). But when she's unhappy... Everyone knows about it. Eyes turn at the store. The grocery cart practically tips over ;). There are things flying off the shelves, or she's screaming in the cart because I won't let her participate in the shopping.

Last week I visited a fabric store and the lady there was so anxious. Well, I think Mirabel might've had something to do with it. They had spools with different colored threads lined up like a rainbow in a cute case. What curious, lively child wouldn't want to play with such an arrangement? :) Oh, it was heaven for Mirabel. Not so much for the tattoo-covered hipster at this fabric shop, nope. She ran from behind the counter to where Mirabel was before Mirabel could even get her sticky fingers on a second spool. Of course, I was right there. And, of course, I was going to put them back the way they were. Moms develop a superpower of being able to scan a store's setup in a flash, so they can leave the store just how they entered it. It's because they know their tasmanian toddlers are going to get into one or two (or three) things during the shopping trip, am I right? ;)

You're probably wondering why I didn't just keep her in her stroller. Well, this store isn't stroller friendly; it's tiny. Also, there was a sewing class taking place (and there was also a sign explaining that all visitors needed to keep their voices down). I had to pick: Screaming or Playing with Spools. When I picked Mirabel up after the hipster expressed her fears about the spools, she began to scream (Mirabel, not the hipster). I ignored it and tried asking this young lady a few questions about the sewing classes they offered, since I was interested in taking one or two. She then proceeded to say, "I'm sorry, I can't talk over the screaming". I'll end it there. But this is just an explanation of a typical day with my kiddo. Of course, at home she's easy (because I've baby-proofed the whole place, so that she can explore every corner of the house--and she does).

I really needed a drink after that. By drink I mean a milkshake from Sonic ;). I got my sugar fix and drove off. My hair was standing on end, but I still felt that having a cute baby is better than having cute fabric, any day. I'd be so much lonelier without Mirabel. Yes, I'd have friends and more free time, but I wouldn't be quite as complete. This doesn't take back the fact that I do believe she is strong-willed. That personality trait will come in handy; she definitely won't ever be known as a push-over, that's for sure. For now, it's all about teaching her how to use that character of hers for good, while I guzzle down the milkshakes...

And enjoy happy hour (aka naptime. I saw that on a shirt once. "Naptime is the new happy hour." ;)

This is what I've been doing during happy hour.

Jam jar vase covered with fabric, for more color in the living room.

Mixed media collage. I love Christy Tomlinson's stuff. Granted, this doesn't compare, but her work inspired it :).

Pillow in the front. Also for more color in the LR. The back pillow was purchased at an antique store a few weeks ago.