Behind the Picket Fence

Hope

2012-01-29T20:34:00.003-05:00

I enjoyed this explanation of how hope can become an active part of our entire lives, instead of just a nice concept we only entertain during the good times.

Stolen from Facebook

2012-01-27T15:18:00.001-05:00

This brought tears to my eyes. Love it.

A little (actually, kinda big) project

2012-01-26T17:19:00.005-05:00

I got bored with my hair last week and cut it all off. I think a little over 11.5 inches. I've been wanting to do it for awhile, but I developed a strange attachment to long hair after a bad experience in high school (note to self: only Halle Berry and a few gorgeous others can pull off that kind of cut, but not me!). This cut is fresh but not nearly as traumatizing.

I only have to spend about 5 minutes on the hair now! So wonderful! I've got the thick, curly/wavy kind so long hair usually requires about 5 different products and lots of time, if I want to wear it down. These days, I like to devote that time to other things...

Other than in the bathroom (LOL) I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen, with my kitchen helper. She really enjoys playing with flour and water (or pouring either one from one measuring cup to another).

Yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about how productivity boosts the spirits. I really miss making things. Food also happens to be my husband's love language. He's been wanting tamales for awhile... And for awhile, I've been too much of a weenie to attempt making them. I decided that I had better act while the inspiration was there :). So I called my grandma, got her recipe/tips, and made tamales for the first time (it was a two day process)! I still need a lot of work in the technique department (wrapping them properly, not overstuffing them, etc). I was also hoping to make some sweet dessert ones (my grandma makes some with nuts and pineapple--so good!), but after two dozen savory tamales I was pretty pooped. Half the masa is still in the fridge, but I hear it freezes well. I'll save the rest for the next practice batch :).

Little Revelations

2012-01-24T14:44:00.003-05:00

There are little moments in life that let you know you're doing something right. They can easily go unnoticed.

A few days ago, Mirabel went up to her dad's office door and called out for him. It was the middle of the week, some time in the late afternoon while he was at work.

A few days later, he walked out the back door to take the trash to the curb. She began crying pretty heavily as soon as the door shut. She stood by the door until he returned.

This morning she woke up too early. Usually she won't go back to sleep without me, but she cuddled up against him and fell right back to sleep.

Little girls don't love their dads like this unless they feel secure with them. I would know.

She has something so wonderful. It makes me feel like I've done something right.

The cycle has been broken; that's what I've always wanted for my family.

Explanation

2012-01-23T08:47:00.011-05:00

I've got a fixed, forward stare and
I don't miss anything behind me,
Including myself.

explanation: During tough times, I keep looking forward. But I also realize that I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm stronger. So I don't miss the weaker person.

I'm slowly losing faith in the consistency of
what my senses can experience.
God's voice has become clearer in this loss.
Still, it is only a whisper.

explanation: We're not supposed to get our happiness from things we can touch, feel, taste, etc. Everything on Earth is changing, so we can't depend on it for our joy. We can only trust that there is Someone who is unchanging. When we trust in him instead of what our senses can experience, we hear his voice more. Whatever the circumstances.

The storm's white noise
Distorts His voice.

explanation: But there are going to be tough times. During those tough times, it's easy to let negativity deafen the message that God is trying to give us.

I transition into a sleepwalking state.

explanation: So I go into auto-pilot...because I'm not exactly sure what to do. But I haven't lost all hope. Because I still have faith.

But my subconscious is aware
of the Intercessor's prayers.

explanation: We are told that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.

Romans 8:28 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

He speaks
When I've lost the words,
So I can understand
What I haven't heard.

explanation: He prays for me when I don't know what to pray for, but I keep looking to him for strength. Also, he speaks to us when we are going through tough times if we choose to listen. He uses those tough times to silence us with his peace so that he can give us the message we've been missing. Everything happens for a reason, to teach us something, I really believe that.

So, symbols and analogies aside, life is pretty tough right now. Let me begin with the truth. I am so thankful that my husband was blessed with a job, especially considering some kids fresh out of law school don't have jobs (Harvard degrees don't matter these days). I am beyond blessed that I am NOT barren; something I thought I was just a few years ago. I never go without food, shelter or love. Wow! That's a lot to be thankful for, believe me, I am. I focus on those things when I get sucked into the negativity. I'm human after all, and need to be constantly coming back to God in prayer for refueling, otherwise I screw up. I'm really good at screwing up.

Anyway, the other side of the story. I will try to be as candid as possible without sounding like a spoiled, ungrateful child.

My poor husband (yes, I do pity him), has had to work EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 3 weeks. He is working like crazy. It is in him to give his all, but right now he's working on a huge deal. Literally. Sadly, it's not the deal itself or even the work that weighs on his strong spirit. It's having a boss that I've never heard anyone in the office utter a positive remark about. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say that he...is probably not a very happy person. It's quite sad, actually.

I don't have a perfect husband, but he is one of the strongest spirits I know. It takes a lot to make him sad. He has been a rock for our family during tough times, and a rock for his own family. So you can imagine how rough this situation must be if he is struggling to maintain that unbreakable, joyful personality.

I'm not that strong. I get very lonely. I make every effort to socialize and get out. There are days, as I have explained, that I cannot seem to make it out...because I'm stuck in the bathroom, in pain, with my iphone in my hand (attempting to keep my irritated toddler content with Cullen's ABC's on YouTube). It's actually a pretty funny site. I just wish I could laugh more about it. This happens about 2 to 3 times a week, but I'm in constant pain these days. Believe me, the gluten free diet made a HUGE difference when I wasn't pregnant. But, friends, I also have IBS (explanation here). It isn't really an issue when I'm not pregnant, in fact it is HARDLY an issue. Pregnancy hormones trigger it for me. Around the time women start getting morning sickness, the monster in my gut decides to wake from its slumber. It was a moderate issue with my first pregnancy. This time, it's really, really bad. So bad that I'm considering not giving birth to any more kids. I do want more, though, so adoption it will be. Who knows, maybe I will muster up the courage to have another one in a few years, but I don't know if that's the healthiest decision. I haven't gained any weight so far. With Mirabel I gained 15 pounds the first 3 months. That seems like a lot, but I am really thin. In fact, I'm 5'3" and not even 100 pounds! So I'm just praying for this baby's safety. This is why I was so happy to see that the baby had a heartbeat and that it was measuring right on target. God's hand is on that kid. See, being skinny isn't that great. I really have to eat A TON to gain weight, and I don't view this as a good thing, especially now. I think I'm going to go see a dietitian or nutritionist. I'm trying to be as proactive about this as possible.

Anyhow, I still view my husband and I as a team. Thankfully, this work thing isn't destroying our marriage. I made the decision that that wouldn't happen. Also, my husband makes a HUGE effort to spend as much time with us as he can. He loses sleep, even. But the critical emails from the boss continue to trail in, even past midnight. Last minute assignments are handed to Jose at 5 PM, so he usually doesn't get out of work before 7:30, sometimes it's 9 PM (and he leaves at 815 AM). No "Thank You's" are uttered. No apologies are ever made, even when they should be. Sundays at 11 AM are a good time for a 2 to 3 hour meeting, for this boss. Family life doesn't really seem to matter to him, poor guy. Truly, I have pity for the boss. I have to.

But one member of the team is usually missing. Moms, it's tough. You know what I'm talking about. But you know what? I'm doing it. And I haven't lost my faith. I still believe that God has his reasons, and I'm waiting to hear what I'm supposed to learn from all of this. I'm stronger today than I was yesterday, maybe that's what it's all about.

Words and music are my therapy. That's why I write. I would sing, but I don't want to scare anyone away ;), so I just blast music and dance, even if it's on my way to the bathroom for the 5th time that day :D.

Here's a song to get us thru:

hearing without listening

2012-01-22T19:42:00.005-05:00

I've got a fixed, forward stare and
I don't miss anything behind me,
Including myself.

I'm slowly losing faith in the consistency of
what my senses can experience.
God's voice has become clearer in this loss.
Still, it is only a whisper.

The storm's white noise
Distorts His voice.

I transition into a sleepwalking state.

But my subconscious is aware
of the Intercessor's prayers.

He speaks
When I've lost the words,
So I can understand
What I haven't heard.

2 months

2012-01-17T18:30:00.003-05:00

...And even though she had a full-grown (well, nearly) one of these waiting for her at home, her heart still melted upon seeing the tiny, lovely being and its flickering heartbeat on the screen.

Most of this is bloating, I'm sure, but it's more bloating than I had with Mirabel at 2 months. I think it's true that you do show sooner with your second.

I'm actually 8 weeks 3 days. So I'm due on Saturday, August 25th. I don't know why I like the idea of giving birth on a weekend, as if it's easier or something. :P

I get a prize at the end

2012-01-12T17:01:00.004-05:00

Three days in a row of posting! I must be spending a lot of time at home... I am. And the better part of yesterday was spent in the restroom. Sadly, I think I might've developed some new intolerances with this pregnancy, so no more dairy for me. Hopefully that will take care of it. Praying it does.

I wonder how I'll look back at these times five years from now. And I also wonder how I would've experienced all of this 5 years ago? This all seemed so impossible five years ago--pregnancy. You'd think I'd stop using that word altogether. It puts limits on the possibility for miracles, and God's mysterious ways. Kind of like this situation.

I've made some friends over the past few months. Things were a little more quiet in that department when we lived in Boston. Mostly, because I worked full time and wanted to spend any free moments with Jose. I have a slight fear of losing friends, especially during times when I'm spending more time at home sick than out and about. I hope they understand. Still, a playdate is scheduled for tomorrow morning at a nearby park. I'll be there, sick or not. Even if I can only stay for a few minutes, at least I tried. I've got to accept that, too. These are the friends I prayed for, after all. I've got to remember that.

So these are the thoughts that come up when I slow down. What do you think about when life forces you to let your daily routine go?

Growing up

2012-01-11T09:08:00.010-05:00

It's amazing how much sleep can make a difference in your day. I went into bed at 8 last night and Jose put Mirabel to sleep. It took me awhile to actually fall asleep (wanted to talk to the husband), but it was nice to rest.

In spite of a tough night the previous evening, we tried to stay entertained at home yesterday. We haven't been too busy; I enjoy taking it easy these days. Thankfully, Mirabel is (fairly) easily entertained (or, when she wants to be :), so she had fun exploring the front and back yard. She grabbed her purse and cell phone and ventured out the door. Mirabel is becoming such a little woman. She has more of the little girl look than the baby look these days. Makes me sad :(. But I love how interactive she's become.

Sounds like I'm talking about a doll, but the things she does! For instance...

Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready, she insisted on wearing lip balm. I have a little container from The Body Shop that she LOVES to play with. So I gave her the lip balm. But then she saw the eye lash curler and tried using it on herself. She also enjoys rubbing lotion on her face... and she has a collection of purses. But if you enter our home with a new and bigger (and, of course, more exciting) purse, she will leave the ones she has behind and explore every nook and cranny of yours until she's completely emptied it out and tested out the lipsticks (to see if they're her shade, duh! ;).

So here she is on her outdoor exploration with her purse and leapfrog cell phone (great gift from grandma :).

See the cell phone and how she holds her purse? Her expression is hilarious. This is one of the few times she's actually let me put her hair up. :) She's admiring an airplane in the photo next to it.

This shot was taken right before she got mad at Elmo for not sitting in the chair the way she wanted him to. She didn't forget to apologize with a hug at the end, though. The photo next to it was taken before nap time. I think she's thinking about how to get Elmo to cooperate a little better. Maybe I'm just projecting... :D

Making a quick stop at the mail box. She wanted to test out the quality of her cell phone's reception by sticking it inside one of the boxes.

That concludes one of our mornings :).

Believe me, I just said another prayer...

2012-01-10T09:37:00.003-05:00

I find myself thinking/saying a lot, "I can't do this" or, "Wow! I didn't think I could do this but I just did it."

That happens a lot in matters related to sleep and health, and parenting :). Sleep has been an on/off issue for awhile. We were doing great. Then all of a sudden the waking up 6-10 times a night started all over again. I'm not sure what to do any more. I've tried everything in an effort to get this kid to sleep better. This weekend, we are going to try something all over again. I need it to work.

Some days I'm so tired, I truly feel like collapsing. That's especially true this first trimester. Dealing with a sleepless toddler for 12 hours a day and a rush of pregnancy hormones is tough. But, God, you know what. I'm blessed. I HATE being negative, but I need to get this out. Please bear with me.

Nothing lasts forever. One day, I'll be so sad that these times are gone. I'm looking forward to getting to hear this new baby's heartbeat for the first time (next week). Looking forward to the first steps, to seeing Mirabel's reaction when she fully understands that she has a sibling; getting to see them bond and develop a sweet relationship...

But right now I'm literally getting by one second at a time. Been up since 4 AM. My stomach always becomes a wreck with pregnancy hormones, and I'm not just talking about nausea (surprisingly, that is mild). It's like my digestive system can't figure out how to respond to the changes, so it just goes to extremes. It's been interesting.

On to the positive. Wow, I got pregnant that easily! I didn't think this could happen. I truly thought it was going to take some serious medical intervention. I'm still in shock. The first time, even. Don't they say that the average person has only about a 30% chance of conceiving on the first try? Yet it happened to me, and I haven't even had a cycle since July 2009.

But I could never be on that show, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Believe me, I KNOW :)! If the breakouts on my face don't give it away, the exhaustion, serious heartburn, gas, indigestion, etc. DO :D.

Happy 2012!

2012-01-01T22:45:00.002-05:00

Last year around this time, we were fighting off snow storms and trying to stay warm despite power outages and below-zero temperatures. It was our first Cambridge winter with a baby, and our last Cambridge winter EVER.

Today, we celebrated the new year with open windows and 60 something degree temperatures. We're a little more South than last year (or a lot), and we got to spend the holiday season with family.

I like to look at life in terms of overall successes, instead of day to day failures. We're better off this year than we were last year, and not just in terms of warmth and sunshine.

This year we learned how to find and appreciate the balanced life. There's a time for work and a time for family. Yes, Jose has an awesome job that keeps him away 60-70 hours a week sometimes, but that's not all I'm referring to when I talk about "time for family" (he does a great job of balancing it all, by the way). We've learned how to make it work. Our time together is richer. We spend less time on the computer and more time talking to each other.

A full time job as a mom is also work. I've learned how to accept help without feeling inadequate. I'm learning that by taking these breaks, I'm actually investing in my family. I have more to offer, because I get a chance to refuel. Thankfully, I have a wonderful helpmate for a husband who supports and respects my job. Sometimes a break means hiring a sitter for a few hours so I can cook a meal without interruptions. Other times it means taking my parents up on their offer to babysit when they visit so we can go on a date (because they truly enjoy it! Plus, this is their not-so-indirect way of making sure they get more grandkids HA :).

But this year I want to focus more on words instead of actions. Whether I keep them to myself as thoughts, speak them into prayers, or share them with someone else, I want my words to reflect appreciation... Speaking more appreciative words to my husband... Spending more time praying for the blessings in my life (people) and thanking God for them, instead of planning and organizing...

I can already tell you that I've messed up on January 1st, 2012 :)! There are a few hours left, though. That's why I like to look at the big picture. If the picture I see on December 31, 2012 is any clearer than the one I saw on December 31, 2011, then I must be doing something right. And don't get me wrong, I love what I see. Just a few touch-ups need to be made. But honestly, it has to do with where I'm standing... and next year I hope to be standing closer to the Light that reflects the truth. That's what I hope for every year, or every day, really.

Quick Update

2011-12-20T15:33:00.004-05:00

...quick because I am forcing myself to take naps these days. It really helps!

Anyhow, I went to the doctor for 2 blood tests on two different days. Hormones were supposed to have doubled in 48 hours in that timeframe and they more than quadrupled, so we're kinda safe...for now. The appointment for detecting a heartbeat is set for January 31st at 10:45, I think (I didn't write it down, was carrying a fussy toddler when the doctor called).

I'm feeling pretty great, but I'm only 4 weeks. Hoping it stays this way :).

My family is coming into town for Christmas. I couldn't resist and told my mom about the pregnancy. We're waiting to tell Jose's family on Christmas day, though. (I'm bad at keeping secrets like this...)

In other news, my brother really wanted a snowglobe for Christmas with his favorite animals in it. I searched all over the net and couldn't find one...so here's one I whipped together following a few tips from Martha and also this lovely blogger's tutorial/tips.

Just wanted to share because, among all the excitement/hustle and bustle of daily living, there have also been some creative adventures.

An Early Christmas Gift: AKA PREGGGGGGGO

2011-12-14T14:04:00.002-05:00

...and birthday present. The baby will be due a few days before my birthday!!!!!!!!!

And it happened on the first try.

I promise this is the last pee stick you'll see in awhile ;).

In case you were wondering...and a clarification of how OPKs work

2011-12-03T14:23:00.004-05:00

So apparently the line on an OPK needs to be just as dark as the control line to be considered positive (a true LH surge which comes a day or so before the big O). The female body always produces LH, which is why a fine line commonly shows up on these tests.

I've been paying really close attention to everything my body does, in an effort to conceive without medical intervention. This is why I bought about 50 of these ovulation predictors :P.

Well, I had a feeling this would happen sometime this week, based on how I felt throughout the week. I am not temping, but I am reading the same signals I read/used when I got pregnant with Mirabel.

Thankfully, I was right. This is [finally] a positive test. Maybe in 2 1/2 weeks I'll see another positive test? :)

It's nice to know things are working as they should. Which is a complete blessing, considering my body has never been normal in the reproductive department.

Wow! It just occurred to me how awesome it would be to get pregnant that easily! And to think that's how it happens to most people.

Yes, I realize this is a lot of personal info for the average everyday blog about life, but this is what makes my life exciting. :D

OMG OMG OMG

2011-11-21T14:26:00.002-05:00

My body might actually be working on its own folks!!!!! This is an ovulation test, not a pregnancy test... I'm so excited. Had to share here since I have some fellow PCOSers that read this blog! This is so exciting. I hope I'm not getting too excited over nothin'. It's a FRER. (Taken with my phone. Sorry it's blurry.)
NO MEDS, people!!!!!!

What I want for Christmas :)...

2011-11-18T08:54:00.010-05:00

These are actually old photos, but at least I'm ahead of the game with a Christmas theme. These past few weeks have been interesting. Mirabel and I took turns getting pretty sick. The last sickness rendered me pretty useless as a mom for about a day. I actually had to wean her during the daytime because of a medicine I had to take. It was rough the first few days, but she's doing great now, and she doesn't even request a nursing session during her naptime! It's great. She's even sleeping better at night, as if she's realizing that she doesn't need to nurse to sleep. Last night was a little different, but I think it's because we had quite a few guests over late into the night for a Thanksgiving party (I believe the sleep issues had to do with over-stimulation).

She's starting to express herself a lot more. During the weaning week, it seemed she was having quite a few of these expressive moments, aka tantrums. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt like I was doing something wrong. After a bit of reading and praying, I realized that it wasn't that big of a deal, and that I just needed to tweak a few things here and there. I've learned not to take her bad days personally. Also, sometimes these meltdowns are just a result of needing to be held more (since I'm not nursing her, and she's always been very attached). So having more cuddle time during the day has helped. Also, she understands a lot more than I used to think. I have conversations with her during the meltdowns. It actually helps. I've even been able to talk her thru the screaming sessions in the cart, at the store. I explain to her that she needs to sit in the cart for awhile, and that she can get out in a few minutes. She understands, I think. But then she starts to scream again after 20 or so minutes of grocery shopping. Then I ask her to please say "out" and if she's able to communicate that to me without screaming, I give her a little break. SO far this is working, it might change today though ;). Just trying to keep up with all the changes. This is the most interesting developmental phase yet. We're still working on sharing. That's a little tougher...

And maybe it wouldn't be so tough if she actually had a sibling. Which brings me to the second major topic of the month: pregnancy. Nope, I am not pregnant. Not even close. I don't even know if anything is working. No sign of fertility; the clock isn't even ticking. This is why I have an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist scheduled for December 13th. I'm a little excited, but also not looking forward to riding the infertility roller coaster once again. Hoping for a second miracle. Clomid didn't work that first time. I'm not sure what's next. I'm also a bit hesitant to use the stronger stuff, after hearing the correlation between drugs that raise estrogen levels and breast cancer. Adoption is always an option, too. I would like to have one more, though, then adopt. But God's plans might be a bit different, which is why I'm trying to keep him in the picture (instead of trying to plan EVERYTHING).

Oh, and Jose passed the bar! He's already been working for a few months, but it seems that ever since we found out the news he's had to work nearly 12 hours a day and even on weekends! Glad he has a job, though, which is another reason why we feel it's a good time to have another one!

So TRUE

2011-10-26T15:16:00.002-04:00

Just found this on Facebook. Took the words right out of my mouth.

Being a mom is the best and most difficult job. I love doing it and am so glad that I have the opportunity to stay at home with my little girl. She keeps me on my toes, but I like ballet :).

Friendships

2011-10-18T14:50:00.006-04:00

There are no strangers here; only friends you haven't yet met. -Yeats

Relationships inevitably evolve with time. But I had no idea that the way we form relationships can also change as we change. I care more about what I should and less about what I shouldn't, to put it simply. Acknowledging that people's judgements stem from their own insecurities has helped. But realizing that most people are looking for sincere friendships (or needing them) has influenced my interactions with new acquaintances even more.

We can assume that our neighbor doesn't say hello because they don't like us. But that's cynical. Maybe they're just really shy. (I'm slowly learning to give people the benefit of the doubt.)

I assumed this about a neighbor once. Then I decided to randomly, and rather loudly ;), strike up a conversation from across the street because I stopped caring about what they could offer me. Thankfully, it worked. It turns out that neighbor is kind and just reserved.

Then I wonder what other relationships I might be missing out on as a result of my negative assumptions and selfish expectations.

Though this isn't completely enlightening, I'm learning that I need to be the friend I'd want, and without the favoritism. But it goes beyond that. Being only that kind of friend would be selfish. True friendship is grounded in sacrifice. Putting someone else's needs before our own; loving like God loves us.

If someone lonely is struggling spiritually and they aren't able to be the kind of friend that I want, who am I to keep my friendship from them just because they cannot uplift me? Respect in friendships is a must, yes. But not being someone's friend simply because they don't meet your expectations of what a great/spiritually uplifting/well-rounded "kindred spirit" should be doesn't mean they don't have the potential, or even the need for that kind friendship from you.

John 15:13 There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friend.

I'm finding that verse applies to more than our physical life. It also applies to our daily interactions with strangers/potential friends.

Friendship is the ministry we are all called to. It doesn't require a PhD or red cape.

Mad Hatter Meets Pee Wee Herman ;)

2011-09-23T17:44:00.006-04:00

AKA My latest furniture re-do

Formerly an old blue dresser that wasn'tprimed (so the wood showed thru). Initially bought it back in Boston for $40. Transformed with extra fabric (I have too much fabric that I never know what to do with because I don't sew very well :P).The letters were purchased for $0.98 at Hobby Lobby. Pretty inexpensive to re-do. Cheaper than buying a new dresser. If you see green along the top edges of two drawers, it's because I didn't make the fabric cuts long enough (and I didn't cut the fabric straight enough :P, so I used green lace to hide the evidence.I also learned that pinking shears are the best thing to use if you don't want to use anti-fray glue (or you're too lazy to look for it, if you do have it) <---- I'm guilty ;). I have a good excuse for that: most of this project was rushed and done at around 6 AM or during naptime.

Never stop learning

2011-09-12T15:38:00.004-04:00

My daughter is one of the best teachers I've ever had. I love how she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She will not hide her feelings; she is honest. She knows how to use her vocal cords. And of course, she is only 1.

Before becoming a mom, I had no idea that children were born with certain personalities. I thought a child's character could be 100% molded by their parents. That isn't the case. God gives them a soul, and our job as parents is to smooth out the rough edges; it's an honor given to us by an artist who knows what he's doing.

Having a baby really is like opening a priceless Christmas present. I love the gift God blessed me with. And he knew exactly the kind of kiddo I'd need to become a better person, not just a good mom.

If you would've told me that I wouldn't sleep thru an entire night for 16 months straight, I would've freaked out. I would've started trying to PLAN (which I have a tendency of over-doing). I would've said that I couldn't do it. Wow, would I have been wrong.

I'm no supermom. Jose and I tried a couple of different sleep-training approaches. We thought it might be time to do a little "cry it out". We'd go back in and check on Mirabel after a few minutes, or he would. I tried just not nursing her and staying with her, but that resulted in 45 minutes of crying and refusing to sleep for another hour even after giving in. Then we agreed that it'd be best if Jose attempt the sleep training, since he doesn't have any milk :) (maybe she wouldn't be reminded of what she's missing?). I trusted that Jose would do the right thing, and we both prayerfully approached this. Mirabel is our first and we really want to give her our best, and we never want her to feel insecurely attached. So with that, we let her cry for a little. I could hear her on the monitor. I couldn't take it, so I just prayed and stayed in the room while Jose went in to console her before he left for a few more minutes. After a few minutes of this, he decided to stop. I didn't blame him. He said she was shaking, the way she was shaking in a terrified way while we were on the subway in Boston.

We've learned that our kid has different cries. She has a tantrum cry, a tired cry, and a terrified cry (among others). This was a terrified cry.

So we decided to re-evaluate the situation and try a different approach. We discovered that some of her sleep troubles were related to tummy troubles. We listened to our gut, even though we felt pretty alone in our struggle (since most of our friend's have done CIO quite successfully).

Going back to the first paragraph, Mirabel has taught me a lot. She's taught me to not care what parents think when I'm trying to grocery shop and she's screaming in the cart because she wants to run around and examine everything on the shelves. She's taught me that parenting is a lot easier than we all think. That's just it, what WE think, not what everyone else thinks. We know our children better than anyone else. Because they are born with unique personalities, they require different parenting approaches. There's a reason why they weren't born with a handbook or user's manual.

I realize things might be completely different with our second. We could have a kiddo that is able to go to sleep on their own after just a little crying.

God wants us to ask him for guidance regarding our children, not compare our situation to our neighbor's. We should all be willing to support each other, despite our different parenting approaches. Yes, my child is not an infant and she is still nursing. Why? Because she wants to and I don't mind. Am I spoiling her? I don't believe I am. In fact, only in the US is it typical to stop nursing by age 1. But does this mean I'm judging anyone else who stops weaning before age 1? Absolutely not. I'm not even judging those who don't even attempt nursing. I don't know their story.

All I know is that I love my kid and I'm trying to do the best I can; I acknowledge that I'm going to make mistakes along the way. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so I'll say that the moms I know out there are trying to do the same thing.

A few weeks ago at a meeting I attended, a quote was shared that went something along the lines of "you're going to make mistakes as a parent, but there should be enough love there to cover those mistakes." I think that line sums up successful parenting better than any book or child psychology article I've ever read.

Imperfections

2011-08-25T15:50:00.003-04:00

As a little girl, I loved dolls. I played "mom" but never really cared to have anyone fill the role of the father. I never really dreamt about being someone's wife. The idea of marriage seemed so far off and foreign... but, oh, I could not wait to be a mother. I used to say I wanted 10 kids (of course, this is before my little brother came along ;). One birthday I even remember receiving special diapers small enough to fit my dolls, and I was elated.

Funny thing is, until recently, I never had any idea how much that child's play impacted my way of thinking as an adult. I'm sure there are many ways to psychoanalyze this situation, and I have. But I'll just say that I've put too much pressure on myself to try to be "the perfect parent". The first person to point this out was my husband's uncle, who is a psychiatrist. :D

I'm not playing the martyr. Believe me, I have failed plenty of times. The funny thing is, it seems I failed the most when I was trying my best to not make any mistakes. I don't want Mirabel to look back on her childhood and ever doubt that I loved her--that's been my greatest driving force.

I'll get down to the heart of the matter. I'm tired. Really tired. But I've allowed myself to let my fear get the best of me, so it's really my own fault that I'm so tired. I've read so much conflicting data on the best way to get a little one to sleep thru the night. Not to mention, I'm bringing my baggage along with me, so I'm too scared to try anything. I've made so many excuses, but I've finally decided that I really do know what's best for my kid. Not the most enlightening discovery, but to me it is. I've doubted myself too much. Now I'm making a decision and sticking to it...because it's what's best for EVERYONE, not just my kid.

That's what I wasn't taking into account before. Mirabel still sleeps in our bed. Poor Jose has started sleeping on the twin mattress that was supposed to be Mirabel's!!! My desire to be a good mother should not conflict with my duty to be a loving wife. Jose has been so understanding, and he never complains. He knows my heart, and in the end he just wants us all to be happy, so he has never said anything. A discussion I was having with a friend over the sleep issue is what brought my role as a wife to the forefront, and I'm glad it did.

I don't mean to sound like a 1950s housewife. I'm not trying to say that it's my duty to make sure to keep my husband happy (LOL). That's his responsibility (and, thankfully, I'm married to someone who knows that). But marriage is a holy sacrament. If Mirabel sees how I let her sleep in our bed, instead of her dad, she will grow up to believe that husbands should come last.

A strong marriage creates the foundation for a strong family. Without it, everyone suffers.

Jose and I are happily married. I love him more now than the day we got married. I don't remember the last serious disagreement we got into, but I want our relationship to grow even more. I want to be that old couple in love, the ones who still hold hands after 50 years of marriage. But if I want that later, I have to do something now.

I'm not going to take the complete Cry It Out approach. But I'm also not going to let Mirabel sleep in our bed and munch at Mom's 24 hour Diner until she's 10. I'm also not judging anyone, though. There will be a few tears, but I will comfort her. I'm sure more of those tears will come from me. But this is what's best for EVERYONE.

I didn't even realize that I was idolizing motherhood. Because of how tired I am, I often fall asleep before thanking God for his many blessings. Jose and I started doing Bible readings together, but by the time Mirabel goes to sleep, my eyes are already pretty heavy. It's true that a strong marriage creates the foundation for a strong family. But God is supposed to be the one that keeps it all intact. I know he wants my attention, too.

So tonight starts my version of sleep training. I'm so tired of reading books/articles. In the end, we're just doing what works for us and makes us all better people, not perfect people.

Keeping it Colorful

2011-08-22T15:39:00.006-04:00

I think I'm settling in to an official life routine now. Jose started work last Monday (they told him only a week before that he'd be starting early :). That same first day of work he called me and said he'd be leaving for Boston in 2 hours! I wanted to laugh. He got home Wednesday, and now he's working Monday-Friday. Most mornings Mirabel and I spend time with friends/go to a playdate. This morning we attended a mom's support group hosted by our church. It was really lovely.

They're discussing a book called The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson. I've been meaning to read that book. Oh, so many books I'm "meaning" to read :). I had to laugh at one point in the discussion when the leader mentioned that you know you have a strong-willed child when you're shopping and the grocery cart doesn't travel in a straight line, because you're constantly going this way and that with your kiddo. Conversely, if you have an easy kiddo you can shop while eyeing everything on the shelves instead of your kid's next move.

Mirabel is full of life. That's how I like to put it. Her highs are high and her lows are low. So when she's happy, she'll smile and laugh and talk up a storm (in her own language, of course). But when she's unhappy... Everyone knows about it. Eyes turn at the store. The grocery cart practically tips over ;). There are things flying off the shelves, or she's screaming in the cart because I won't let her participate in the shopping.

Last week I visited a fabric store and the lady there was so anxious. Well, I think Mirabel might've had something to do with it. They had spools with different colored threads lined up like a rainbow in a cute case. What curious, lively child wouldn't want to play with such an arrangement? :) Oh, it was heaven for Mirabel. Not so much for the tattoo-covered hipster at this fabric shop, nope. She ran from behind the counter to where Mirabel was before Mirabel could even get her sticky fingers on a second spool. Of course, I was right there. And, of course, I was going to put them back the way they were. Moms develop a superpower of being able to scan a store's setup in a flash, so they can leave the store just how they entered it. It's because they know their tasmanian toddlers are going to get into one or two (or three) things during the shopping trip, am I right? ;)

You're probably wondering why I didn't just keep her in her stroller. Well, this store isn't stroller friendly; it's tiny. Also, there was a sewing class taking place (and there was also a sign explaining that all visitors needed to keep their voices down). I had to pick: Screaming or Playing with Spools. When I picked Mirabel up after the hipster expressed her fears about the spools, she began to scream (Mirabel, not the hipster). I ignored it and tried asking this young lady a few questions about the sewing classes they offered, since I was interested in taking one or two. She then proceeded to say, "I'm sorry, I can't talk over the screaming". I'll end it there. But this is just an explanation of a typical day with my kiddo. Of course, at home she's easy (because I've baby-proofed the whole place, so that she can explore every corner of the house--and she does).

I really needed a drink after that. By drink I mean a milkshake from Sonic ;). I got my sugar fix and drove off. My hair was standing on end, but I still felt that having a cute baby is better than having cute fabric, any day. I'd be so much lonelier without Mirabel. Yes, I'd have friends and more free time, but I wouldn't be quite as complete. This doesn't take back the fact that I do believe she is strong-willed. That personality trait will come in handy; she definitely won't ever be known as a push-over, that's for sure. For now, it's all about teaching her how to use that character of hers for good, while I guzzle down the milkshakes...

And enjoy happy hour (aka naptime. I saw that on a shirt once. "Naptime is the new happy hour." ;)

This is what I've been doing during happy hour.

Jam jar vase covered with fabric, for more color in the living room.

Mixed media collage. I love Christy Tomlinson's stuff. Granted, this doesn't compare, but her work inspired it :).

Pillow in the front. Also for more color in the LR. The back pillow was purchased at an antique store a few weeks ago.

Update on Life

2011-08-13T15:42:00.005-04:00

Life has been full lately. Visiting with family, quality time with my dear husband (who, sadly and happily, starts work this Monday), and enjoying lots of warm weather. It's been a little rough too. We're still trying to figure things out--parenting is a constant learning experience and tantrums in stores are becoming a common occurrence, because we have a curious toddler who loves to touch everything. But at home, all is well. I've actually started crafting a bit more during nap time. These are two recent projects. Fabric flower headbands with a touch of a pink frilly feather; beneath that, a collage on wood made with mod podge, fabric, and scrapbook paper. Have I mentioned I like nesting dolls ;)?

Perfect

2011-08-06T09:39:00.004-04:00

Found this shared on FB...tear-jerker. More here.

THRILLED!

2011-07-28T08:49:00.002-04:00

These past few weeks have been a little rough. Poor Jose's eyes are bloodshot from studying so much. (He's been taking the Bar for the past couple of days.) I've been trying to stay out of the house/meet new friends to stay sane and keep Mirabel entertained and not missing her dad. (It's so sad. She would often stand at his office door by the end of the day and yell out his name/crying for him to come out...not understanding that he didn't actually want to be in there away from us for so long.)

But let me tell you, today has got to be one of the happiest days of my life. I am married to a man who's always got his head in the books. Yes, he's a hard worker, but he's been a student the entire time I've been married to him/while we were dating. Yep, he did graduate a few months ago, but the studying became even more intense after that. This test was/is brutal. He can usually feel like he's got the information down by the time bigs tests roll around. But he said this one was different (and I bet it was). Poor guy!

But today, we are both the lucky ones! No more studying, no more test-taking after around 5 PM today! Can you believe it?!!!! I'm thrilled. Seriously, I think I'm gonna go bake a cake or make some chocolate ice cream. :)

The Freedom to Find Peace

2011-07-20T16:01:00.006-04:00

Satan mounted his rebellion through the power of one idea: God doesn't have a good heart. Though it seems almost incomprehensible, he deceived a multitude of the heavenly host by sowing the seed of doubt in their minds that God was somehow holding out on them. After the insurrection is squelched, that question lingers in the universe like smoke from a forest fire. Sure, God won, but it took force to do it. Power isn't the same thing as goodness.
From The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

It seems one of the biggest questions out there, among those who wonder whether or not God truly exists is: If there is a God, and he is all loving, then why is there suffering? I used to ask the same thing. Though I always believed, I never quite understood how a perfect God could allow so much imperfection and injustice. But after reading a couple of different thoughts/answers surrounding this question, it makes more sense.

If God stepped in all the time, that would get in the way of freedom. If he is truly good, then he wouldn't need to use force to attract people to him, like the quote above suggests. God also cannot contradict himself. If he is perfect, he cannot act in an evil way which is why he cannot cause of suffering. This means his motives have to be completely pure. In our freedom, we often choose to do wrong, though. Sometimes we even have good intentions, but mistakes are inevitable so long as we're stuck in our human bodies. But with God as our spiritual guide, we're given clarity, and the right decisions can follow.

Still, not everyone listens to his quiet voice, and suffering is usually the result of a decision made without considering perfect love (aka God). But some people don't want anything to do with him. Because of freedom, they have that right; God allows us to accept or deny him. As a result, there is a constant battle on Earth between good and evil; peace and suffering. So peace can only exist temporarily, and only in some places at different times. Of course, not all suffering is self-imposed or caused by sin. There are illnesses that bring pain to truly loving people. But the beauty of their situation is that if their hearts are in God's hands, they will know peace on this imperfect soil and in heaven.

In the end, isn't that what we all want more than anything? True peace that doesn't rely on the sun shining, perfect health, or flawed humans? Imagine the peace that comes with knowing beyond doubt that we are loved perfectly by a God who can do no wrong. I'm still working on fully embracing that truth. I think it's a lifelong thing. God isn't the one holding out on us, we're the ones holding out on him.

Color. Unconventional. Quirky. Eclectic. Home.

2011-07-11T12:53:00.008-04:00

Can you guess what my favorite color is? :)...

Found the pillow on Etsy, the lamp at TJ Maxx, the frames at Goodwill (brown, spray painted them turquoise). I don't have a very traditional style. I really love color and cute things. I don't think I'll ever outgrow that.

Finally added more to the walls! I found this great frame (bottom) at Hobby Lobby that documents every month of Mirabel's first year with a photo (because you can't have too many photos!).

Instead of hanging a family photo in the living room, I printed out that picture of our silhouettes (middle).

And...Katie Daisy. I love her work. I found some of her cards and decided to frame a couple (top).

I found a wicker chest on sale to store her toys in. I think it works a little better than the bright pink playpen :).

And because you want to feel like you're entering a fun, inviting home before you knock on someone's door, here's a recent craft: A button flower wreath for our front door...

More Progress

2011-07-06T17:18:00.003-04:00

Now that we've settled into our daily routine, things are really smoothing out. After hearing about Mirabel's anemia, I became overly anxious and stressed out. The doctor suggested that I try to take one feeding away each day. But when your kid hates solids, that isn't such an easy task. I often found that when I tried to skip a feeding and offer solid food instead, Mirabel would scream so much, and show an even greater aversion to eating food. So I started nursing for about a minute or two before offering anything else, just to take the edge off. Then she calmed down enough to actually try something. Initially it was just a few bites, but I tried to stay hopeful.

Then I discovered how much she loved spoons. One morning I made her some cereal, and she ate a good amount of it with her Elmo spoon. It was messy, but it was progress! Then we decided to start eating dinner on the floor. Before, this didn't really phase Mirabel. Then, I guess because I kept trying to offer her food about every hour, she finally figured out that food is for eating when you're hungry. (What a concept!) So she ate dinner with us that night. The next day, she ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with me too. It was one of the best days of my life! OK, maybe that's an exaggeration. But I didn't know what to do anymore. I felt like a terrible mom because of how anemic she was. But I also felt terrible earlier on when I tried to give her the iron supplement and she'd start to throw-up. Then I figured out that if I mixed it with juice in a syringe (the kind the pharmacists give you when your kid needs a prescription), I could get it down her throat fast enough without inducing any vomiting. Yes, she still fights us, but at least she doesn't gag anymore.

I feel like I've climbed Mt. Everest. Again, I know that sounds like an exaggeration. But I was just so worried that she might be deficient in something else. I was also worried that she would never, ever wean. She is still nursing, but now that she's eating more solids the idea of weaning her doesn't seem so impossible. And, yeah, I know there aren't grown adults who drink breastmilk (ha!), but I somehow felt that I would forever be a milk machine, and that I'd never be able to have another kid as a result. Oh yeah, and that I'd never sleep thru the night again (still not happening, but again, it doesn't seem like such an impossibility at this point. :)

Wow, I never thought I'd write a blog post like this haha!

Anyway, I was feeling pretty low before this pinnacle event took place. And I was also feeling low because I needed to begin establishing my roots here, but I wasn't able to focus much on anything else...until last weekend. We went to a great church. A church that I think we'll call our home church because the people were so sincerely inviting, and the service and sermon were both lovely. And the day before we visited this church, or maybe a few days before, I got an idea. Well, I'd had the idea for awhile but I was too much of a weenie to go thru with it until that day. I started a meetup group! Yep! The first day, only 1 person joined; now there are 23 members! It's a group of moms in the area with similar interests. Our first meeting is this Friday and I can't wait.

Yay! A social life; a social life that also involves other kiddos Mirabel's age! So happy mom and kid! Mirabel is suuuuuch an extrovert. She goes up to random kids and touches their hand, or just their shoulder. This is her way of being affectionate. She really loves people in general. She is also so much happier when she's around other people/kids, so this will enhance both of our lives. I'm looking forward to seeing how her extroverted personality will blossom as she grows up.

Love Letter

2011-06-26T10:22:00.000-04:00

I may not always know what's wrong, but I'll trust the one who's always right because he gave me you.

I may not understand the reason behind all of your tears, but I'll find a way to make you smile, or simply hold you until they run dry (when I've run out of ideas).

When you're begging for attention by clinging to my leg as baskets full of wrinkled clothing morph into mountains of unfolded laundry--I'll still choose you. Each new day brings the same set of chores, but you change every day. (And I can trust you'll grow faster than piles of laundry, anyway.)

When we've both had a long day and you're screaming in the tub or fighting sleep, I'll remember that you taught me how to give the perfect hug. Nothing compares to those sweet, unexpected moments when your head of curls rests against my shoulder while your tiny arms wrap around me tightly. The truth is, you're not fighting me--just the nap or just the bath--but us? We are on the same team.

My little girl, I love the way your skin and hair still smell like baby. To me, I think they always will.

I love you, it's as simple as that. Never forget it.

Feeling like a failure :(

2011-06-23T09:39:00.002-04:00

So we all know that bfing was a major struggle at the beginning. I was seriously on the verge of giving up because of how painful it was. Well, now it's a breeze; completely painless...except, breastmilk is pretty much the only thing my kid will eat.

BIG PROBLEM! Why? She is unbelievably anemic. So anemic that her hemoglobin levels are half of what they should be and the doctor said that if Mirabel's levels had just randomly dropped to where they are now, she'd need a trasfusion.

I tried giving her that nasty ferinsol, but she has such a sensitive gag reflex that she makes herself throw up if she doesn't like the way something tastes. She even throws up on those strawberry and vanilla flavored toddler drinks! I am so desperate. I've tried making the baby food myself, buying those gourmet organic ones, etc., but all she eats is cheese and blueberries (ok, maybe other fruits but that is it!). I even tried disguising the iron in chocolate breastmilk. Yes, I pumped and added chocolate syrup to my milk. I also tried grape juice. Jose taste-tested that one and he said the grape juice disguised the flavor well, but Mirabel still gagged on it???!!!

The doctor said I have to work on weaning her. I have tried a lot. Seriously, this kid is unbelievably stubborn. I will offer her food instead of milk but she just shakes her head no and turns her head away. Then she screams and screams. We've even tried taking her outside. Sometimes she will accept some food, but she will only eat up to a certain point and then cry and cry until I nurse her.

I know I'm not the only one who's struggled with a toddler who doesn't like solids, but I've never met anyone whose toddler relies primarily on breastmilk for their nutrients. And breastmilk hardly has any iron.

I found a natural iron supplement. I'm going to give it a try; iherb says it's tasty (well, the customers do). I'm just praying it passes the Mirabel taste test.

I feel like a failure for many reasons. The first one is that I had really bad anemia when I was pregnant. I took the iron supplements, but I didn't start taking them until well into the pregnancy, when my levels were already so low I had issues just walking down the street without feeling like passing out. It also gave me horrible stomachaches. I did take it anyway, and thankfully my levels were normal at the end of the pregnancy, but still, I'm sure my anemia took its toll on her little body. The other thing, I don't know why breastfeeding has always brought so many problems!!!! I know formula is iron-enriched, and I don't know a formula fed baby who hates food. Yes, I realize the benefits of breastfeeding are long term, but if it's so natural and wonderful then why does it have to be so challenging? And why does it not contain enough iron?!

I really needed to get this off my chest (no pun intended :P). I am just so anxious and worried. I'm praying this supplement helps, because I don't want Mirabel to have to suffer :(. God forbid that her levels drop any further and she needs a trasfusion or suffers cognitive delays :(.

Ideas?

2011-06-22T12:35:00.003-04:00

So here's our bedroom. The framed photos were free images from the Graphics Fairy. Frames were from Walmart, spray painted 2 of them white. Night stands are from Home Goods. Dresser from Craig's List (painted). All other misc items (lamp --ha not pictured, crystal type stuff) were gifts. Other little knicknacks purchased at the thrift store. I was never really a fan of black...until my mother in law gave me this bedspread when I moved in. I thought it was pretty and Jose liked it, so I decided to give our room a more gender neutral theme. We both like nature, heck, who doesn't like nature? So the nature-y theme it is. I like those vintagey bird egg paintings above the bed. Oh, and the "Mr and Mrs" signs hanging on the right and left sides of that black frame (with our vows) were Etsy finds. The names are engraved on tree stumps! Oh yeah, and the green pillow is a Cambridge find; found it at a Tibetan/Indian shop back in Boston. Might add more pillows. Any more ideas on how I can spruce up the room a bit more?

Speaking of pillows, our living room is begging for them! I've just been to lazy to sew some pillow covers. This place is so naked! I just bought the basic furniture on Craig's List. Every item purchased was under $50! Hopefully it doesn't look like it too much ;). I need to add more to the walls, I think. Maybe get some curtains later. Again, pillows are a must. Oh yes, and I need to find something cute to put the toys in other than a playpen. But the playpen is also blocking a fun outlet with a bunch of cords (that Mirabel would otherwise chew on/play with if it was exposed)...I think the toys and the frilly pink playpen are my favorite part of the whole deal ;).

But oh, the light! The natural light makes up for so much :)!!

360

2011-06-20T12:39:00.004-04:00

Our lives have taken a complete turn. Definitely for the better. We actually get quite a bit of sunshine here! :) Our living room no longer feels like a dark and lonely cave. Now it's a light and bright place, frequently filled with visiting friends and family. Why? Well, we're a lot further south now (Texas) and we are no longer 2000 miles away from family.

Jose and I actually got to go on a date for the first time in a year about a week ago! It wasn't anything fancy, just a quick tea/coffee run and brief trip to a new, cool grocery store (it's funny how so much of what we do revolves around food :D). The best part was that Mirabel loved staying with my parents for that short hour. She was all smiles when we walked in the door. Next time, dinner!

I've been kind of quiet on here. Been busy settling in. Unpacking was an adventure. We also had to restock our kitchen and buy a few other basic household amenities. Though we aren't home owners, I have to say that living in a house is much more relaxing. It's nice to not have to worry about who you're bothering at night when your kid is screaming. Oh, and decorating is fun too! One man's trash is another man's treasure, that's our mantra. Craig's list, thrift shops, your neighbor's recycling bin...it all goes 'round here ;)!

Back to that later. There are more exciting events worth discussing at the moment :). Mirabel did take her first steps before her first birthday, but now she's running everywhere. She's always been the type of kid who HATES sitting still (or being bored, this child requires constant stimulation). She once preferred being carried to being locked up in a stroller. The car seat was even worse (...until a portable DVD player/Elmo saved the day. We used to vow we'd never own one [dvd player, not Elmo :P], but I'd like to keep my hearing.).

Now that Miss Mirabel is walking/sprinting/skipping/dancing, being in a grocery cart (or even being carried) is just torture. There are too many cool and exciting things to grab! Oh, and if it's something like a scented candle that she can sneak her fingers into and then nibble on (yep, that happened, and we bought the candle after :), or if it's a big ol' bike resting right next to an equally large sign--she'll want to touch it (or knock it over, or [even better] eat it!).

In fact, the other day we were shopping and she knocked over a bike AND a sign. I turned to look at something for literally 1 second and the next thing I know I've got a cowboy telling me that I need to watch my kid or she'll hurt someone. Nope, he didn't say SHE might get hurt, instead, he said she might injure someone (even though you and everyone else here in TX, Mr. Cowboy, are like 6.5 feet tall and she's not even 3 feet). ::Sigh:: Oh, and she screams too. So if I try to pick her up and pull her away from any potential danger, she will stiffen up and scream. Then the looks follow. I've become THAT parent with THAT kid. Please be kind to us; it's a lot harder than it looks, OK Mr. Cowboy?!

Because she's got all that energy, Mirabel is a lot happier here. She's actually got plenty o' space to run around, and even an actual back yard. She doesn't care if it's 105 degrees out, Mirabel loves being outside and going on walks. There will be drops of sweat dripping down her face and she'll still be smiling. I also found out that she loves to play with toy cars. I've got a tough little woman on my hands. Oh, but she is sweet, too! She picks up her doll and holds it in a cute cradling position then gives it a bottle. She also cuddles anything soft, holds it up to her neck, gives it a squeeze and goes "awww". A tough and gentle woman when she wants to be, but I can't say she won't hurt a fly (don't forget what Mr. Cowboy said ;).

We checked out a boot store over the weekend. I couldn't resist. I saw the pink boots. I didn't buy them, though. I've learned my lesson; their feet grow so fast! But I did snap a pic (and there she is pulling on the shirts):

It feels good to finally be settled in. The boxes are unpacked and this place feels more like home now. Back to an old topic: I'm on a mission to decorate on a budget. So far, our room is set; the living room and play room still need work but I don't mind having the empty spaces. After 3 years of Boston apartment living, I actually kind of like it (I love running around in here more than Mirabel, I tell ya :).

The pics of our room are around here somewhere. I'll post those later. A friend of ours gave us some chairs before we left Boston. Here's a before/after pic of that project. Spray paint (from Walmart) and upholstery fabric (on sale, 40% off!) did the trick, for the most part. As you can see, my upholstery skills need a little work, but the chairs were free and I couldn't resist starting another project (actually, I can't resist anything free, who am I kidding?)! It was fun. Gained experience and love the fun, cheerful colors :)!

Hope you all are enjoying the summer so far :)!

Closing Time

2011-05-27T06:21:00.005-04:00

I think that was actually my high school graduation song. It was that or Here's to the Night by Eve 6. Anyhow, we're done here! Wow! I'm still in a state of disbelief. It's not that I didn't think Jose would graduate :D, of course he would! It's more that I can't imagine what it's like to not be a student's wife. The whole time Jose and I have known each other, one of us was a student. It will be nice to have relatively free weekends now; no more having to set a big portion of our time aside for studying. Yessss!!! I think that's one of the things I'm most excited about. :)

But (and I think Jose will laugh at me for saying this) I'm a tad bit sad. Just a tad. Every time I move, I feel like I leave a piece of myself behind. Yes, I'm looking forward to living in a larger place with Central AC. Yes, it'll definitely be nice not having to deal with snowstorms and random power outages in the dead of winter. And yes, I will love not having to drive down primarily one-way streets that go this way and that to accomodate the layout of ancient buildings (I adore historic buildings, but driving on these crazy streets is another story...). But I will miss the beautiful Spring and Fall days. I'll be a little sad to leave behind the memories we've made here. This is where we grew the most as a couple; where I found out I was pregnant; where our first kiddo took their first steps; where we met some great friends. Then I remember that progress requires moving forward, and that inevitably means leaving some things behind.

Now we can begin establishing a foundation for our family, or firmly planting our roots. That will be strange for me, considering I've moved a billion times throughout my life (exaggeration ;). I'm very, very excited about that. I'm also a little intimidated at the thought. Then I realize we can still travel, so there really is no need to get antsy. When we feel the need to get up and go, we can pack a few things up and take a road trip with the kiddo(s). (Yeah, I like that. I actually love that idea. Wow! No more having to dread the exhausting packing/unpacking and moving process that takes place every few years.) There are also airplanes and trains. Love those too.

Sunday we'll leave Cambridge on an airplane; Jose leaves Tuesday in our carito. He'll then drive down to Austin with his dad. I'll be flying back to TX with my mom. This has been a hectic week, with the graduation and hosting our families. It will be nice to finally be settled down together next Saturday. I think that's when it will all sink in.

More Digital Scrap

2011-05-20T14:30:00.002-04:00

...I have a scrapbook that I started for Mirabel, but it's just too messy and time-consuming to cut things out. I've resorted to doing it digitally. And that only happens every once in awhile now. But I had to do one to document her first birthday and the day she took her first steps. Technically, her first 2 steps were the 13th, but she took quite a few more on her actual birthday. She's still getting the hang of it but she can walk half way across the living room now :). Yay!

Dresser Before and After

2011-05-16T11:11:00.003-04:00

We bought an affordable dresser on Craig's List a few years ago. We purchased it for its size; it's fairly tall and wide. It's also a nice piece of solid wood furniture. Only thing is, "nice" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe the way this highboy used to look. It was pretty ugly, actually. But it was an antique, so I couldn't throw it out. I thought a few coats of paint could transform it.

Jose wanted to throw it out, though :P! I asked him if I could have some time to give it a make-over around Mother's Day weekend. He still thought it was ugly and that it couldn't be beautified, but he knew how much I wanted to give it a make-over, so he said yes to giving me the time (aka watching Mirabel). I also convinced him that we should do it before our big move, since it would be a pain for him to lug it up and down the stairs by himself without help from the movers.

I couldn't have done it without the help of Sarah from Lollies Abode (and also my husband, who sanded the monster down)! She is a furniture make-over master. All her projects always look so fun and beautiful! Thanks for the tips, Sarah, they sure helped! Now, here are those before and after shots I promised to share with you :).

1 year ago today...

2011-05-14T08:26:00.008-04:00

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
Psalm 139:13-14

I think I've said all I can say about how full of joy this year has been for us. We have grown closer together as a couple, trying to raise a godly little girl without help over the past year. The first three months were definitely the toughest, and we still hadn't gotten into our routine, but we survived it. We also survived the first sickness, nights of crying, etc. But we were also blessed to witness our baby's many smiles, giggles, and even hugs. She took two tiny steps yesterday on her own. Though they were tiny, they seemed so big. She is officially becoming a toddler.

Yesterday, as we were walking home from the park, I told Jose something that I think summarizes how we feel about being parents. No, we don't have much free time; no we don't go on dates these days; no we don't even get a break when the sun sets, but we have gained far more than we've lost.

It was a sunny and beautiful day yesterday; it was the perfect kind of day to spend at the park. We didn't stay long, but we got to go down the slide with Mirabel, let her play in the sand (or eat it ;), and we even got to ride on a teeter totter with her (believe it or not, we actually fit)! Jose was on one side of the teeter totter and she was on the other side with me. To give you a visual representation of what's happened in our lives over the past year: Jose and I were only able to balance each other on the tetter totter because Mirabel was sitting on my side. Without her, we wouldn't have been able to play. She has brought completeness...

If she wasn't in our lives, we probably would've spent most of our day indoors--Jose agreed. Sure, we might've planned a quiet picnic, but the rest of the afternoon would've been spent watching a movie or reading, or even blogging ;). But instead, we spent it as a unit; one complete and content not-so-quiet family. We experienced life; I think we're experiencing it even more with this sweet girl in our lives. We're feeling the sun, sticking our toes in the sand, getting dirty, and playing like little kids all over again. And that aching feeling--the longing and the wanting--the feelings we associated with the sadness of not having Mirabel in our lives...they're gone.

And that's why I don't mind that the other less important things (like time to fix my hair ;) are gone.

Complete

2011-05-08T16:10:00.009-04:00

Odd picture to share, but this is my grandmother's hand. One of the most loving hands I've ever held; hands that have also held and comforted me...comforted me with love and scrumptious food, like this homemade corn tortilla :).

My mommy and me

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
Agatha Christie

A few years ago, I had to drop off a few gifts at the post office so they would arrive in time for Father's Day. To my surprise, it was fairly empty. The month before for Mother's Day, it was packed. The postal worker who took my packages said that it's usually pretty slow around Father's Day, and we both agreed how sad that was. She said it was because so many fathers just haven't stepped up to the plate. I understand that, but thankfully that isn't the case in my family anymore. Mother's Day is a completely different story. And I admit, I even have more women to think about around Mother's Day than I have gifts to buy for father figures around Father's Day.

My grandma and me

I've been blessed to be loved by many amazing mothers, aunts, loving friends, etc. So many women who are mothers at heart, and who love beyond biological bonds. But it's true, now that I'm a mom I have so much more respect for these women. Wow. Being a mom REALLY is hard work.

My godmother and me

I love that Mirabel's birthday falls around the same time as Mother's Day, she truly is the best Mother's Day gift. Oh, she can be a handful, like today when she screamed and screamed because she's been sleeping poorly/skipping naps/staying up late like a college kid. But those squishy legs that I love to squeeze, and the belly with the little folds! I love them all. I can't imagine loving anyone more; I feel whole, and my heart has truly grown. All the cheesy cliches apply.

I would describe this past year as the most joyful one of my life. I feel richer, though we do have less funds because diapers will do that ;); I feel at peace, though I have not slept through the night once since her birth; I feel whole, though a bit scatter-brained from the not sleeping thing ;). I don't want to be anywhere else. I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mother. If this was it for me, even if I never became a chef, or some kind of artist, or some kind of creative professional (oh, the many crazy things I want to be when I grow up ;)...I am satisfied with who I am today. Not because of anything I've done, but because of who and what I have in my life. I have love in abundance and I'm no longer hungry or longing for anything.

This Mother's Day I'm most thankful for my family, near and far, because I wouldn't know what it means to be a mother without them.

1 (one :)

2011-05-07T20:15:00.007-04:00

Technically, she won't be 1 until next Saturday, but we chose to celebrate with friends today at the Boston Children's Museum. Since Mirabel is the first grandchild and she doesn't have any cousins, I really wanted to give her a fun party here with the friends she's made over the past few months of getting together for play groups. That and...you only turn 1 once, right?! And when it's your first little one turning 1, a little one that's also your miracle baby--the one that, just 2 years ago, you thought you'd never be able to have--well, that makes things even more exciting :).

Last night was rough. I've been sick over the past week, going from one steroid to another (asthma always gets triggered when I get a cold); then I got Mirabel sick. She had a slight temp last night and stuffy nose, and she wanted to make her discomfort known by refusing to sleep until 3 AM. She screamed every time we tried to get her to go down, so we had to turn on Elmo to calm her down. She LOVES Elmo. And Mr. Noodle. My mom bought her these 3 DVDs of Elmo's World and she never gets tired of them. So that's who kept us company last night, he's the only one that kept her from screaming: Elmo.

And Elmo was the star of the show today, at the party. The party we were afraid we were going to have to cancel. But thankfully we managed to wake up on time, pick up the food, set up the party room (with the help of an awesome assistant provided to us by the Children's Museum), and have lots of fun, so it was pretty smooth sailing. It started off a bit bumpy, but after a dose of Tylenol and some time in the playroom at the museum, she was good to go.

She smiled the whole time her friends sang her the "happy birthday" song, she had a great time on the little wooden baby sized teeter totter, and she even ate a little bit (she loves chocolate cupcakes!). Here are some photos!

On her official birthday, we plan on going to the toy store and picking up a few age-appropriate toys. She's outgrown the ones she has; we want to find some that are a bit more stimulating. Should be fun, I love toy shopping much more than clothes shopping!!!! Unless I'm shopping for baby clothes ;).

11 Month Photo Session, Windy day right after bath. Afro baby :P.

2011-04-28T13:28:00.001-04:00

I'm addicted

2011-04-25T15:16:00.001-04:00

So I kept hearing about Pinterest on various blogs. I decided to check it out, and it is cooler than the other image saving site I joined. I signed up to join it and finally got an invite email a week later (last night). I'm addicted. I love how you can create categories and follow people, plus it's always updated. You can find images of everything on here. I've already found/tabbed a few kitchen gadgets I'd like to buy down the road. If you want an invite, let me know! This is one of the folders I created called "my fav colors" :).

Beautiful

2011-04-24T14:15:00.003-04:00

This was the Prayer of Confession posted in today's bulletin at church. The words are beautiful; I wanted to share them, it's a reminder of what today is all about. I think I'm going to frame this and put it near the front door.

Happy Easter to all!

O Lord, no day of my life has passed that has not proved me guilty in your sight. Prayers have been uttered from a prayerless heart; praise has been often praiseless sound; my best services are filthy rags. Blessed Jesus, let me find a cover in your appeasing wounds. Though my sins rise to heaven your merits soar above them; though unrighteousness weighs me down to hell, your righteousness exalts me to your throne. All things in me call for my rejection, all things in you plead my acceptance. I appeal from the throne of perfect justice to your throne of boundless grace, grant me to hear your voice assuring me: that by your stripes I am healed, that you were bruised for my iniquities, that you have been made sin for me that I might be righteous in you, that my grievous sins, my manifold sins, are all forgiven, buried in the ocean of your concealing blood. I am guilty, but pardoned; lost, but saved; wandering, but found; sinning, but cleansed. Give me perpetual broken-heartedness, keep me always clinging to your cross, flood me every moment with descending grace, open to me the springs of divine knowledge, sparkling like crystal, flowing clear and unsullied through my wilderness of life.

-Aurthur Bennett. The Valley of Vision.

A summary of this insanely busy month

2011-04-14T12:03:00.008-04:00

I should start this post by mentioning that when I initially typed out the title, I entered "summery" instead of "summary". Probably because it's been in the 60s off and on lately, so it feels a bit like summer! YES!!!!

It's been an exhausting few weeks. Mirabel was sleeping better, then she started coming down with a cold. Last night she cried for 2 hours and woke up every hour. I should be sleeping now that it's her naptime, but I feel worse after napping! Am I the only crazy one? Yesterday, after a rough night, I took a nap and felt so exhausted for the rest of the day, moreso than I do now, and I slept even less last night. Anyhow, I was losing sleep over another issue last week.

So the Austin rental market is INSANE. Literally, a house will be listed in the morning and it will be gone by that afternoon! I know because there have been a few houses that I've liked that have gone that quickly. So when I saw this really adorable bungalow listed last week, I had to act fast. It was 5 miles away from Jose's work and it was so darn cute. A blue cottage. It was kind of pricy for the size, but we liked that it was only about a year old. So we were paying for security and location. We submitted an application, and we passed our background check with flying colors. THEN THE LANDLORD decided to change his mind at the last minute and give the house over to his neighbors (who were renting) because they wanted the house for 3 years (we only want it for about 1) and their landlord was losing the house. Ugh. We were so disappointed. We were worried that we weren't going to be able to find a place before our move. Thankfully, we were wrong :)!

A few days after, Jose was browsing the web for rental homes in Austin. He came upon a house that wasn't listed on the major sites. A lot of folks will sign up for email updates with their realtors so that they can jump on a house as soon as it's listed. Well, this house wasn't being listed by a realtor; the guy who owns the house owns 15 properties in the area and he handles his own leases. So we decided to email the guy. We assumed that the house was already taken. I mean, c'mon, it's not like a 2400 square foot, 4 bedroom & 2.5 bath, cute blue cottage under 5 years old that's relatively close to Downtown is gonna stick around for long. Blue cottage? Yep, this place looked a whole lot like the house we "lost", except it's 1000 square feet more!!! AND it's $150 less per month! AND WE WERE THE FIRST ONES TO SUBMIT AN APPLICATION FOR IT. AND (get this, I'll stop yelling after this ;) 8 OTHERS asked about it only after we submitted our contract! Ok, c'mon now...

What are the odds that a really cute place will be listed online for 3 days (with the Austin rental market being the way it is), and not receive any inquiries until after ours? Isn't it a little strange that no one else asked the landlord about it until AFTER we submitted an application? Little miracles happen when we least expect them to :). So we got that house! It was a steal; very much a deal. I still can't believe we'll be paying less for a house that's 2400 square feet than we do for our current 500 square foot apartment, insane!

Sweet Story

2011-04-12T13:22:00.002-04:00

Life has been crazy-busy lately. I don't have much time to blog at the moment but I wanted to share this with you all; my aunt shared it on FB. I love this story!

Busy, busy, busy.

2011-03-30T17:30:00.007-04:00

Moving plans. We're making them. 2 more months, and we're outta here! We still don't have a place to live, no rental home set up yet, but we've talked to the moving company and we're talking to realtors.

Things have been a bit hectic...

We weren't around much last week because Housing decided to install a sprinkler system in the building. Not sure why they don't wait until the summer... but their strange timing makes life much more exciting :P. We basically spent the day in another apartment and walked back to our place to sleep in the evenings. We kept a few toys and snacks at our temporary hang-out spot. When it came time to "move back in", there wasn't a spot to park near the other apartment, so we just used our handy stroller and paper bags to take our goodies back to our unit. It was pretty funny. I was laughing the entire way home; I asked Jose to pose, he chose an appropriate pose and expression, I think ;).

We spent quite a bit of time at the library. I call it my second home. Mirabel's even made a few new friends!

Twins? ;)

An awesome cookbook!

2011-03-24T16:01:00.003-04:00

Sleep-deprived and/or busy moms (or anyone who doesn't have too much time to cook these days!)...I've got a cookbook to recommend! I love it, quite a few of them are gluten-free too.

Ali, I remember you mentioning your good ol' slow cooker recently :). It made me realize that mine wasn't getting enough attention!

I found a cookbook that uses really fresh and tasty ingredients creatively. Slow cooker meals never tasted so good! I tweaked one of the recipes from the book (the American Paella), and added a few ingredients that reminded me of home.

Warm flavors. This is super hearty. Omit the red pepper flakes if spice isn't your thing. (I've got weenie taste buds and thought it had just enough kick.)

If you're looking for a good cookbook, check out The Ultimate Slow Cooker Cookbook (oh, and I wasn't paid to say that! ;) (Uh, oh! I just noticed Better Homes and Gardens also has one that looks good! Ooh! And America's Test Kitchen has one too?! Look at this recipe I came across recently! YUM! A childhood favorite of mine.)

I blogged about this recipe on my "work" blog...you can find the improvised recipe here :).

IDEAS!

2011-03-20T08:13:00.006-04:00

Thank you, ladies, for your suggestions! I really enjoyed browsing the blogs. On the search, I came across a few other awesome blogs that are loaded with craft/diy/furniture restoration ideas. I have been thinking about some of them all morning. I have to admit, literally! I'm a little crazy, but when Mirabel woke me up at 4 AM I started thinking about this AWESOME LAMP! I'm kind of obsessed ;). Isn't it adorable? And I have to agree with her, I think it's a lot cuter and has tons more character than the one from Anthropologie--and I am a fan of that store, too :)!

Also, this dresser is adorable. I've never been a fan of yellow...until recently. I think living too long on the East Coast has made me a fan of everything that reminds me of sunshine. Though I love an airy white room, there's something to be said about walking into a colorful room. It's so cheerful. I have to admit, part of the reason why I'm getting ideas from books/blogs has to do with one little thing...I think if I really let

myself go, I might end up with a house that resembles PeeWee's Playhouse! :P But I love how that yellow dresser still looks cute and classy.

Ooh, and it's almost Easter! Isn't this a cute idea??!!

One more thing. Is there a place, maybe a little box under your bed, where you like to store clippings of your favorite things? Magazine cut-outs, maybe? I really enjoy weheartit.com because I don't have to worry about keeping track of that kind of box, or even lugging it with me across the country (because, after awhile, it'd get pretty heavy).

Check out the site! Basically, you put a button on your toolbar and click it whenever you see an image on a page (basically a blog/website) that you like. Then, the images on the page are highlighted and you just select your favorite image from the page :).

Fun, huh?

This is my page.

Homesick

2011-03-19T13:33:00.003-04:00

drive from Houston to Austin. TX sky; puffy clouds.

Can't wait to throw open the blue picnic blanket over the cool green grass. Warm breeze, just enough sunlight but a few clouds shield us from too many rays. Maybe a summer storm brewing up ahead? Nothing to fear. Even if it rains, we'll dry off in a few seconds. Grab a local soda. Hear the thunder. Rainbow shortly after. Music always in the air. Clean air. Trees, bikes, crafty folks, food. Good food, grown nearby even. Soil still on the carrots.

Austin, I love you.

Austin, Texas, I mean. Next best thing to California. Actually, even better. No plastic surgery or mega highways.

2 more months 'til I'm home.

Spring is here! (Almost :)

2011-03-18T17:14:00.005-04:00

Remember this post? Almost a year ago to the day. Below is a photo taken about 8 feet from the one featured in last year's March post. I'm a lot smaller now, and Mirabel's a lot bigger. In fact, she turned 10 months on the 14th! AND...she took a step today! She is standing on her own but hasn't quite mastered the art of putting one foot in front of the other; it seems she's testing the waters now!

Notice the sunlight in this photo? A beautiful thing! Yesterday and today were exceptionally sunny and warm days (50s and 60s--practically beach weather for us ;). This photo was taken earlier in the week, but it was still sunny (quite windy). That's our friend's dog in the photo. I love this classic but totally candid pose, such a sweet daddy/daughter moment :).

More fun with daddy (and mommy in the background, taking the pic) at the Boston Children's Museum. Mirabel LOVES other kids. She is always eager to talk to them, and even extends her arms out to them (sometimes in an embrace, it seems!). See her smiling with her new-found friend by her side? They have an area of the museum dedicated exclusively to tots and little ones, great hands-on/crawling area.
Looking forward to more sunny days as spring approaches!

Though it's been nice out, I've still been taking quite a few trips to the library lately, mostly to check out books on interior decorating (my other love!). So far, I've found 2 great books that I think have great photos and tips. Domino's book and this awesome Nest book. Check them out if you love interior decorating. Right now I'm trying to get ideas for when we move into our rental in just a few short months! If you all can recommend any great books on the topic, I'd love to hear about them! I need all the ideas I can get. Oh yes, and decorating on a budget is a must! I'm thinking I'm gonna go for the flea market look...

And maybe I'll try my hand at some furniture make-overs/restoring. Oh yes, and if you all can recommend good blogs/books on that topic, do tell!

Sunny Day

2011-03-07T17:54:00.006-05:00

This past weekend started off (Well, Friday starts off the weekend for me ;) at the library. It was cold and sunny Friday afternoon. Sunny enough to get out of the house, but too cold to go on an actual walk. One thing I really love about living in this area is how close we are to the awesome library. It's literally a 5 minute walk away, and the entire third floor is dedicated to kiddos. So we don't need to worry about making noise! Here are a few pictures of one of their noisy guests under 3 feet tall... :) So many expressions. The teddy bear wanted in on the pic too.

Then on Saturday, we took a drive to Providence, Rhode Island. The outdoor farmers markets only run from about June to November around here, and I miss seeing all the beautiful produce, so like devoted little foodies we took a trip to the Winter's Farmers Market in Pawtucket...we also visited a few Italian delis/markets in Federal Hill and I bought some reallly good gluten-free chocolate cookies...but here's the healthy stuff ;).

Then we drove back to Cambridge for lunch, to eat at a delicious local sea food restaurant. We stopped off at home, and then (because the weather was beautiful--50s--all day) we went for a walk to Harvard Square, where we picked up a few sweets, including my new favorite dessert, creme brulee...

We also re-arranged the bedroom. We put our mattress on the floor, and also took Mirabel's crib mattress out of the crib, and placed it next to ours. (THANK YOU for all the suggestions, btw. :) Still trying to figure out a new sleeping system, but we're surviving and...

It's almost Spring, thank GOD!

YES, we've survived our final winter in the North East!

Sleep Diary 1

2011-02-28T13:29:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting in front on our mini crib, on the living room floor. Yep, the crib is now in the living room. Though we tried various sleep approaches in the past, we've decided to stop the co-sleeping thing altogether. We recently followed some of the suggestions in this book, but since putting some of the suggestions into practice, things have only gotten worse. I thought times were rough when we were waking up 3 times a night. Last night, that number shot up to 7; she woke up every 45 minutes after 12:50. Mirabel is now to the point where she has to nurse in order to fall back asleep, even if it's only for a minute or two. She screams without the nursing. This is why we're going to have her sleep in the living room, in her own crib. I tried getting her to take her first nap in her crib (without falling asleep nursing), and, after about 5 episodes of putting her down then picking her back up, she finally slept (and so did I)...for 35 minutes. It's better than nothing; I'm hoping to try that approach again for her second nap in just a bit. So far she's only slept through the night once in her entire life. Let's hope we find something that works...and fast! So far, averaging 4 hours of sleep a night for 2 months is the hardest part of parenting. I feel like I'm failing.

A web

2011-02-27T11:29:00.003-05:00

Circumstances. What I've been thinking a lot about lately; that's why I wrote this last post. Most of us don't grow up in ideal circumstances. Broken families aren't at the core of it, they're just part of what results when we don't know where to go, when our ideal situations disappoint.

You'll never guess what I've been watching lately. My reasons for watching are related to trying to understand these less than ideal circumstances. I want to better understand what becomes of those who try to find their way when they've never had anyone to show them where to go and how to get there...

So I've been watching a few documentaries...about Tupac's life. Yep, you read that right. :)

I can relate to his need to express himself through writing. I never rapped (Wow, that would be hilarious if I did!), but I wrote a TON growing up. Nearly every day I'd write poetry. Then I was introduced to poetry slamming, and I loved that too. But I was never very good at either, especially the latter :). I enjoyed it all though; writing was my way of dealing with adversity. I also prayed. Even though I didn't understand how God worked, I knew he was there and that's why I never became an alcoholic. I truly believe that if God was not in my life growing up, I would've turned to drugs and alcohol (especially if my mom hadn't left my dad when I was one). I shutter to think of what would have happened if my mom would've stayed in that marriage. Though I love both my mom and dad, I realize that he wasn't ready to be a father. I respect my mother for giving and sacrificing so much so that I wouldn't have to struggle, even after she re-married.

But this isn't about me. I just wanted to explain my reasons for wanting to understand this artist. He never had a father in his life either, and he just dealt with life the only way he knew how. My heart breaks for those who come from broken homes and don't know where to go for guidance, both spiritual and mental.

I don't agree with everything he did, but I agree with some of the ideals he had. I also agree with his explanation for why gangs form. A sense of belonging and acceptance is something we all want. When there isn't a cohesive and stable family in place to help create this sense of belonging, children naturally look to things outside of themselves to find it. Studies and statistics say that girls try to find it in dysfunctional relationships, while boys attempt to find it in more aggressive ways.

This is why my husband is an inspiration to me, because he didn't become a statistic. Sometimes I think it's harder for boys than it is for girls (growing up without a father, I mean). All he had was a mother, grandmother, and 2 sisters. The love was certainly there, though, and he says that's what pulled him through and inspired him to rise above his circumstances. Still, he's told me how some of his childhood peers eventually brought more grief upon themselves because of the destructive choices they made, though they also had mothers and didn't have fathers.

The documentaries I've been watching shed light on these issues. In one of the interviews, Tupac discusses the struggles faced by young black and hispanic men. I know they're not the only ones, but one of my own cultural groups was mentioned, so I couldn't help but feel discouraged...and, surprisingly, also thankful.

A few days ago, Jose and I were talking and he said a few things that made me feel a little unsettled. He told me that after he expressed an idea in class, the professor referred to it as "Jose's Theory". Here's what made me sad to hear. Jose said that he was a little embarrassed that the professor kept saying his name, because of a negative comment that a student made a few years back when he was in high school. When a teacher was taking role during a school trip, one of the students expressed surprise that there was a "Jose" on the roster. Because, apparently, there weren't many hispanics in this school (the one my husband transferred over to so that he could receive a better education). I responded by telling him he should feel proud of his name; it makes me sad to know that he feels even a little embarrassed, all because of a ridiculous comment an immature high schooler made years ago. But with the immigration policies, and some of the negative talk being thrown around surrounding that issue, I can see why it's still causing some discomfort, even now.

Rambling aside, I respect everyone who is able to rise above their struggles, whatever those struggles might be. Whether you're the son of an immigrant family who just wants to improve society by making wise choices, or you're a hard-working respectful upper-middle class American whose great-great-great grandparents emigrated from Europe to the US to escape religious oppression, the responsibility is equal among all groups. Race, education, gender, religion (etc.) aside, we all have the God-given responsibility to improve ourselves so that we can help those who are struggling to do it alone, because their life's circumstances might be more dire than our own.

Strength (and an on-going love story)

2011-02-25T11:29:00.008-05:00

24 years ago, a shy and pink cheeked 10 pound baby boy was born into a poor family. He never knew he would have to become the man of the house in middle school, when boys are more like boys than ever. While things were difficult at home, he somehow managed to rise above the bullying. Countless times these boys would call him names, each one cruelly pointing out his struggle with weight. At first, he'd only confide in his mom during these difficult times. Yes, though these boys would probably make fun of him for crying to his mother at home, he didn't care.

But one day, he stopped crying and got angry. He channeled this anger in productive ways, though. Unlike most boys who turn to alcohol, drugs, or even violence, he looked to the future. He prayed, though his faith was often shaken. He decided that he would become a man well before his voice caught up with his strong spirit ;).

Instead of walking toward his goal slowly, he sprinted with a purpose. In fact, he ran so much that he lost 80 pounds in just a few short months. The boys stopped talking, not just because he transferred to a different school with a better curriculum (because he had big plans for the future), but because they knew he had something they didn't. Despite not having the same academic background as his classmates, he still managed to graduate at the top of his class, exceeding everyone's expectations; going against the statistics, even.

This young, strong, poor hispanic boy wanted to go to college. And so he did. He graduated Suma Cum Laude, and was later accepted to one of the top universities in the world for graduate school. While that was impressive, it was really his heart that attracted his future wife to him the most.

You see, she loved everything she saw, and even the parts he couldn't see. She loved that he was bold. He wasn't about games. He saw what he wanted and, with more effort and prayer than most are willing to put forth, he always won. For instance, he came across a rather odd girl on Facebook who started a group called "I Love Dorks". For reasons she doesn't quite understand (even to this day :), he was somehow intrigued by her profile. So, without hesitating, he sent her a rather bold message. He claimed that he would be happy to be her suitor (among other things). He'd never even met her before. He sounded just like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, but he was much more of a gentleman and didn't have the pride issue. She was instantly attracted to his confidence. Then she fell even more in love with him after reading his blog, where he'd already mentioned that he wanted to marry her (even though she still hadn't met him). It wasn't this bold statement that attracted her to him, though...

Today, she loves him even more than she did then, though he is missing one thing that he had when they first met. Her heart is still his, and his heart is still very much hers...but his kidney belongs to someone else now. He was willing to risk his own life for another. That was the definition of love. If he could love others this way, she reasoned that he would be able to love her the same. And she was right. This is why they became husband and wife.

But that's not the happy ending. Because life is constantly offering new challenges, these challenges also need their own happy endings. They've been together in sickness and health; when the days of illness were heavy with sadness and surgery day eventually came, he stood by her side and loved her even more. They've been together in good times and bad; because there's no such thing as the perfect marriage, they're learning how to become better people together and love each other all the while. They've loved each other for poorer, but certainly not for richer; they've learned how to trust that God will provide, and he has. They've become a family, and their journey together is still only beginning,

Every day offers a new opportunity for growth. Though she knows her heart has grown with more love for him throughout the years, she also knows for certain that his heart has done the same. He still takes the same approach to life--school is still a priority, but family is a greater one. She wants him to know she respects him so much for this. Though she sometimes fears he might have been able to accomplish more without these extra responsibilities, he has told her otherwise. He says that his main responsibility, his family, gives him the kind of strength and confidence that he never had before, so he is able to perform better in every area of life.

Still, she doesn't want to hold him back. But he insists that after class on rainy Friday afternoons, while others might be making arrangements to spend a long evening studying, or planning their life as successful bachelors, or getting ready for a night out with friends, his happiness rests in this: He has a family that accepts him for who he is. He has love. But what she wants him to know is that this home and family he loves is his greatest success yet.

God gave him wisdom to overcome his life's former challenges so that he could bring him to this place of love and acceptance, and transform him into a real man of genuine strength.

9 months (and some change) & a thank you!

2011-02-24T11:23:00.008-05:00

Ali from Enjoying Now recently sent me a very thoughtful (and cute) care package, with a sweet note enclosed. She thought I needed some cheering up, so she sent over the beautiful wreath (photo below) and a perfectly pink nail polish to match the bright pink flower on the wreath. She made the wreath, too!

The wreath does match Mirabel's nursery colors, Ali :). It's hanging nicely on a wall, on her side of the room. In a few months it'll be hanging in her own room! So looking forward to moving...We are already looking at homes for rent online! I'm super excited! (I'm also trying to find a cute and fun dress to wear to Jose's graduation! I can't believe he's graduating! I'm so pumped for that.)

But! The weather is improving! Just last week it hit the 50s and we took a much needed 2 hour walk around the campus. Notice the smiles below? I'm not the only one who's missed the sunshine :).

Just a few more months until her 1st birthday! I cannot believe it! Hopefully we'll all be sleeping better by then--at least, that's my goal for now. I think with all the changes going on, Mirabel is having an extra difficult time staying asleep. So she's waking about 4 to 5 times a night! It's rough, but I keep telling myself that she won't be this little for long. Then I'll miss her baby phase! I think she's on the verge of walking (hopefully?!). She is standing for a few seconds on her own. She isn't a fan of crawling, though. She prefers to do a backwards army-type crawl. Then she licks the floor.

We just found out yesterday that she is anemic :(. I felt guilty about it. She still isn't eating solids as much as I'd like her to. But yesterday I was feeling extra determined, after hearing that she'd have to take (which seems to me) a frightening/high dose of iron. I made lentils with some bell peppers, seasoned with a few spices. She seemed to like it. Well, she did gag at first, but she eventually got used to the texture and taste. She finished everything that I served her! This has never happened! I also stocked up on a ton of iron-rich foods at the store. If you all can recommend any tasty baby food blends that are iron rich, I'd love to hear about them!

Such a sad song

2011-02-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

Gosh, but it's so beautiful...I love it.

laughter

2011-02-17T20:30:00.002-05:00

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T12:39:00.013-05:00

This morning started out with a blow-out. Nope, not an argument. Things were peaceful. Think diapers! Ugh, not exactly the image you want to think about on a holiday that people secretly use as their excuse to eat chocolate (but that wouldn't be me, of course ;)! Ok, so I will stop with the potty humor (but I have noticed that it's a fairly popular discussion topic among moms :).

I dressed Mirabel in her Valentine's Day outfit shortly after she woke up and, not an hour later, it lost its cuteness thanks to that blow-out. It seems that Valentine's Day is a poopy day for many people, sadly. I remember how so many folks dreaded the day, particularly in high school and college. Some of my friends wore black. It was one of my favorite "holidays" and I used it as an excuse to wear way too much pink and red. Funny thing is, I was single on all but one Valentine's Day until I was 21. Yes, I have to admit, it was a little sad, but there was always someone or a group of someones I had to celebrate it with, so I couldn't be sad for too long.

Growing up, my parents celebrated Valentine's Day with my brother and me. We'd all go out to eat, and/or they'd give me something special. Usually it was a small gift, but it was thoughtful. I want to share that tradition with Mirabel, for many reasons. Mostly, I want her to realize there are many different kinds of love, and they can all be celebrated on Valentine's Day.

So after cleaning up the blow-out, and changing outfits (thankfully Mirabel has a ton of pink clothing ;), we headed to Target. Oh, Target. In my opinion, they've mastered the art of mass producing cuteness. Since this was our first Valentine's Day as more than just a couple, I decided it was time to stock up on cheesy Valentine's Day decor. I am one of those people who will find any excuse to fill their home with ridiculous holiday decorations, or "junk" as wise folks might call it. I decided that the kitchen would be the official Valentine's Day room. So we (well, mostly just me, but I'm sure Mirabel would've agreed with my purchases ;)... So we bought a simple table cloth, 2 plates (with hearts, of course), and 2 cups (with matching hearts), and a Valentine's Day garland. Oh yes, and a set of blocks with individual letters; you can match them up in various ways so that they read "love", "xoxo", or "hugs".

The table is spread out with the kitschy kitchen decor. There's a chocolate cake in the oven (one of the perks of having a cooking "job" is that I can choose relevant recipes! Yay!), and there's molé in the fridge (one of Jose's favorite Mexican dishes). It's a toasty 45 degrees today (which is very warm for us! I even have the doors and windows open!)...

And it's our first Valentine's Day with a little girl.

I hope she and Jose both know that I love them. This year we're celebrating a new kind of love. Our family is growing. This is why I wanted to make this Valentine's Day slightly more memorable, cheesy decor aside. This is our last Valentine's Day in our tiny but warm apartment. Next year, we'll be in our first rental house, though we already have a home.

Last weekend I bought this potted flower. I'm determined to keep it alive! This is the only spot in our place that gets direct sunlight; every time I walk by it, I remember that Spring is just around the corner. And if this flower can make it through a rough winter, then so can I. It just needs a little sunshine. Thankfully, we're getting plenty of sunshine this Valentine's Day.

Thoughts

2011-02-13T07:50:00.012-05:00

One thing I really like about blogging is that it allows me to see how I've changed/not changed over time. I think I've mastered the art of stagnation, and even regression ;). I'm noticing a pattern in how I've been thinking lately, and it's a fairly negative one that I'd like to break. That's my late New Year's resolution, or I should say Life Resolution! It's something I'll have to work on every single day.

I read some verses this morning that opened my eyes a bit. I've read them before, but they spoke to me differently today...

When I was in high school my mom strongly suggested (ha!) that I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. It was a little cheesy, and I think maybe parts of that book stuck with me subconsciously and (strangely, now many years later) somehow influenced the tone of these notes I just took...so bear with me, laugh even! I did :P.

This is just a basic and simplified (half-asleep) interpretation of these very wise verses. Basically, what I wrote to help me understand the meat of the real text.

If you've got something to add (or your own version of the 7 Habits, with more or less than 7 actual habits ;), please feel free to share. I'd love to hear it!

From 1 Corinthians 9...
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Running requires-

Pacing yourself: Realizing that Christ is your strength in the "race" but that you cannot exercise with what you do not have--and it takes time to develop strength and endurance to run long distances.

Training yourself: So that you are able to run long distances without tiring as easily as someone without training. This means, pushing yourself spiritually so that you are closer to God today than you were yesterday.

Staying hydrated: When you thirst, don't ignore it--seek God when you find yourself thirsting for other things to find satisfaction and fulfillment.

Health: Focus on being spiritually healthy. Choosing to be "healthy" is a daily thing. Exercise by memorizing scripture and understanding God's word. "Eat" the right things--take notice of your thoughts and how those thoughts are influenced by the things you take-in daily and what (or who) you surround yourself with (music, tv, movies, books, etc.) 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Philipians 4:8.

Don't take your eyes off the goal: Comparing yourself to other runners and/or seeking their approval will only slow you down. Focus on who you're running for and why you're running; don't run "aimlessly". Your goal is also to do better than you did yesterday. "Strike a blow to [your] body"--overcoming your own personal weaknesses with God's strength so that you can be an example to others, or "preach" by running a good race by the way you live.

The sun shines again

2011-02-10T15:47:00.004-05:00

Right now I'm sitting on the floor with Mirabel and the curtains are open because...the sun is shining! We even got to see the sunset driving home the other afternoon. I don't even remember the last time I saw it before then.

Spring is almost here.

And here is Mirabel crawling (or army crawling) backwards (last night). More like dragging across the floor. She doesn't crawl. I don't know if she ever will. :P She looks like a baby seal in this picture and the expression makes me laugh...

She wasn't eating many solids until recently. She hated purees, so she didn't want anything from the jar. I tried giving her fruit, but she gagged on the pieces. A friend recommended these feeders, and they work really well. We also discovered this life-saver! She actually eats now! I mean, more than just 2 bites, this is progress!!! :D

On a totally unrelated note. You know that ol' cute saying that's recently come back that goes something like "Keep Calm and Carry On"? Well, I want to get this shirt that captures that saying in a whole new way ;).

It's no coincidence

2011-02-03T11:19:00.002-05:00

This is from Romans 12...
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Sometimes we get distracted. I get distracted by my own negativity a lot of the time. I'm missing out, aren't I? The verses above prove that. We all have different gifts we're supposed to use. And whatever they are, love should be at the core of those gifts, and our actions. No exceptions.

Funny, I used to think some people were better at showing love than others, and that that was ok. But the truth is, though we all have different gifts, we are all called to love sincerely. If we're not good at loving, it isn't because we weren't blessed with that gift, it's because we haven't embraced our gift properly. But before embracing this gift, we need to learn how to become like the giver, so that when we share our gifts with others we do so with the same kind of love.

It's no coincidence that those verses follow each other. I never really noticed the significance before, though.

Pretty Song

2011-02-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

Yes, we made it to February!

2011-02-02T09:35:00.012-05:00

Pic from here, Cran Beach! Where we'll be this May!

If this wasn't going to be my last winter here, I'd definitely purchase a happy light.

I believe the weather is taking a toll on me. Winter isn't over and we've already had over 60 inches of snow, and the average is 41 inches for the year!!!

I'm not a fan of having to walk 3 blocks to my car in the freezing cold, hoping I don't slip on the ice while holding Mirabel, because we don't have an official parking spot since they cost around $1500/year. I'm a little exhausted from worrying about the new damages done to my car, because I may have accidentally parked in someone's spot (though these supposed spots are unmarked and are really available on a first-come-first-served basis). The fear isn't unfounded, someone keyed the entire right side of my car, and someone else hit the back right bumper of my car without leaving any sort of note.

I'm a little tired of outrageous medical procedures, ranging from root canals that are twice as much as they are everywhere else, to incompetent doctors who go on Paris vacations during Thanksgiving with the money they collect from these ridiculous dental procedures--even though they can't fill a cavity so that the filling doesn't fall out, or even fit a temporary crown properly so that it stays put. (Yep, over the past 2 months, ONE SINGLE TOOTH has been filled twice, and that's just half of it.)

Then the pain IN THAT SAME TOOTH became unbearable and I discovered (or an entirely different endodontist discovered) that I actually need a root canal and crown on that tooth. (Even though the first incompetent dentist said I needed an antibiotic for the pain, for an infection that wasn't there. Remember, I need a root canal not an antibiotic.) The endodontist was disturbed by this too. This new endodontist did the root canal, and the old incompetent doc gave me a temporary crown (with a 15% discount, since she messed up earlier), which falls out 2 DAYS after she put it in, much like the filling that was never actually needed on that same tooth earlier on!!!!!!!!!! The irony of it all? The dental hygienist put on the second temporary crown and it fits better AND STAYS ON longer than the one the dentist initially put on. WOW. All that cost us $2500, and we found out it wouldn't have been much less if we had dental insurance (which is also too expensive).

Sigh. This blog is becoming a place for complaints, and I don't like that. But I feel like I'm about to pop because I haven't seen the sun in months. My poor husband is so consumed with school and work (school projects) this semester that I only talk to him about 30 minutes a day, with the exception of Sundays, so I need a place to vent.

BUT it's February, thank God!!!! We only have about 3.5 months left before we leave this place FOREVER. I also have a smilie baby, when she isn't sleepy or cranky because I need a nursing break (because those pesky new teeth are breaking my skin :|). Right now she's sleeping peacefully in my right arm while I type with my left hand (gonna go put her down now :). Phew, free hands now!

She is growing up so fast. Thankfully she's starting to like the sipper cup, since she never cared much for bottles, and she's used it a few times now! We're still trying to introduce solids, she doesn't like those much either, but she ate a few spoonfuls of turkey dinner and loves solid fruits and roasted veggies served in strips!

We are also planning a few mini-vacations, which we'll take in May when our family comes up for Jose's graduation. One of the places we'll be visiting is the beach. Check out the beautiful photo at the top of the entry; I found it on flickr, it's the beach we'll be visiting! Can't wait! :) I hope you all are staying warm! I hope spring comes quickly for us all!

The good thing about the weather? With all the staying indoors, nap times become craft times when I plan ahead and don't have other obligations, this means blog make-overs and Valentine-card making! They are a little cheesy, but I wanted to send some cards out to the grandparents that included her handprint. So I traced her hand and incorporated it into the card, so they can see how much she's grown since they haven't seen her since August!

Valentine's Day Photo Session

2011-01-28T21:19:00.005-05:00

Instead of giving away cards this year, we decided to share our sweetest Valentine with everyone this year by sending out photos :).

Encouragement

2011-01-27T12:16:00.005-05:00

I DVRd an interview-type show on the new Oprah channel a few days ago. Maya Angelou was the honored guest last week; I finally got a chance to watch it yesterday. I've read a few of her poems, and until yesterday I appreciated her work from a distance, but this special captured her strength and beauty as a person so well that I now respect Maya Angelou on an entirely different level.

She's more than familiar with suffering. But she doesn't present herself as a victim, and she doesn't just discuss how she's overcome the difficulties she's experienced (from being raped at age 7, to being mute until age 6 and undergoing emotional abuse because of it). Her way of communicating reflects the kind of strength that I lack. She is a wise woman, and I'm glad I got to hear her speak--even if it was behind a television screen.

Toward the end of the show, she shared a quote that I hadn't heard before, and then she went on to explain the truth behind it. This is how it's re-quoted on this site:

"If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody; if a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or Malcolm X; if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born—it means so can you. And so you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize, 'Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.' That's one thing I'm learning." — Dr. Maya Angelou

The part that wasn't included on the site resonated with me most. When she first shared the quote, "I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me," she brought up some of the worst of us. Those who have committed the most heinous crimes, including "the bigot and the batterer". We refer to those crimes as "inhuman". The irony is, the crimes were committed by a human. She explained that we all have the potential to commit those wrongs, because we are all human. Considering we're all sinners, that's not a difficult concept to grasp mentally. Still, when I heard the quote I felt guilty because I knew that in my heart I often fail. The playing field is level, though. It's discouraging to hear, and to believe that the person on death row is our spiritual twin brother...

But then she brought up another truth. Mother Theresa is also our sister. Inspired by the love of God in her heart, she shared so much of herself with those in need and impacted all of us, directly and indirectly.

The beauty in the quote is what else it reveals: we have a choice! We are capable of so much evil, and so much good. Having God in our lives liberates us--that's what the apostles in the Bible say; on the show, Maya Angelou also said many times that "love liberates". I can't ignore this key verse, either "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8). The two are one in the same. So it makes sense that if we are lacking Love we are limited in our choices, and how we behave.

I guess I can say that I grasp a bit more how understanding God's love truly liberates us; we're able to rise above ourselves, or the innate evil in us (as discouraging as that word is), and love like he loved us. After all, isn't that essentially what the true peacemakers, from Mother Theresa to Ghandi, were able to do?

When the going gets tough?

2011-01-25T09:09:00.004-05:00

Proof that spring does arrive in this town!

When the going gets tough, what do you do? How do you cope?

We're in the middle of another test, or rough time. Mirabel is sick AGAIN, probably because I had to keep taking her to the doctor the last few weeks for a cough from her last cold that wouldn't go away. Both Jose and I have asthma, and it seemed like an asthmatic cough to me. She would wake up every night coughing and coughing for a month straight. On the last visit, the doctor gave her a nebulizer, but it scares her. She hates the noise and freaks out when she just sees the mask.

She's sick again and the cough is even worse. Multiple times a day we have to take her into the bathroom, turn on the shower, and hope the steam helps some.

Right before she got sick, she wasn't sleeping well. As in, waking up about 10 times a night. When she's officially sick, she really doesn't sleep at all. My immune system doesn't operate very well when sleep-deprived, so now I'm getting sick for the 5th time in less than a year.

To top it off, the weather is horrendous. We've been told Boston has never been this bad. We live in one of the oldest parts of the city, and it seems they aren't prepared to deal with these conditions (they meaning the electric company). We had another power outage during the last storm. We're expected to get hit with yet another snow storm this week, so we are preparing for another power outage.

We also haven't gone outside in days. We tend to lock ourselves indoors when the weather is this bad. It hit the negative temps yesterday, so the weather really isn't suitable for taking a brisk walk.

I hate that I'm complaining about it, but I don't like keeping stuff bottled up either. I feel exhausted, emotionally and physically. We haven't seen family in months, and we only have each other to get by (as in, Jose has me and I have him). Poor Mirabel is also becoming more sad. She's been whining non-stop these past couple of feverish days, I couldn't even put her down to use the restroom yesterday morning.

When the going gets tough, I pray. Sometimes it's just a really simple "God, help me, " but sometimes that's enough for a boost. Right now I'm sitting under a blanket on the living room foor, waiting for the doctor to return my call while I'm surrounded by dirty plates left over from a hearty breakfast. It's times like these when even dirty dishes become something to be thankful for. Thank God I have nutritious food to eat for breakfast. Thank God for this warm blanket, for the sweater I'm wearing, that the baby is sleeping peacefully, that I have a doctor who personally takes the time to call me back. Thank God that winter is only a few months long. Thank God that he set up the seasons so that spring follows winter. Boston winters might be brutal, but the spring is more beautiful here than anywhere else.

If I force myself (yes, sometimes it requires FORCING) to focus on, or document a list of, the positive, it inevitably leads to an attitude change.

When somebody loves you, it's no good unless they love you all the way...

2011-01-23T14:25:00.005-05:00

A few nights ago, we shared a tasty dinner with friends. We talked about a few different topics, like marriage, and how some folks rush into it without considering the amount of dedication required to make it work. Though I know marriage isn't for everyone, I can honestly say that I'm learning more about myself as an individual now that I'm married than before, when I was single. I think I am one of those people who was meant to get married. That definitely doesn't mean that marriage life comes naturally; like in many other areas of life, I usually am my own worst enemy.

I am very insecure. We all have our personal insecurities, and though I certainly have my bad hair days, or days when I wish my teeth were straighter or my face was blemish free, I am more insecure about feeling accepted as a person. I think, sometimes, that it's more difficult to get along with someone who is insecure about their personality, or inner self, than their outer appearance. Though I'm not a plastic surgery advocate in the least bit, sometimes I feel like I could really use an attitude lift. And by lift, I mean it. A lift in how I view myself--an ability to see myself the way God sees me, so that constructive criticism can be just that, constructive.

The irony of it all is that I am very critical of myself, and I highly doubt (when I'm in my right mind) that anyone else is as critical of me. Kind of like when we look in the mirror, see a tiny zit, and suddenly feel like it's taking over, pushing our eyes and nose aside, growing larger by the second like the mutant that it is[n't]. We are completely convinced that everyone can see it. Of course, we only feel that way because paranoia has driven us to look in every mirror (or reflection on any window!) so many times that we've memorized exactly where the spot rests on our face.

Believe me, I have been there and done it! The details say it all. It's a fact, we are all flawed, physically and emotionally. I wouldn't even say that I magnify my character flaws that much, but rather, I magnify the extent to which those flaws are a part of who I am. So as a result, who I am is someone who isn't worth loving--because the flaws are so terrible. And of course, when I receive any kind of criticism, it strikes the most insecure aspect of my character. I decided, "That's it, this person doesn't love me because I'm unlovable. Obviously, if they have to criticize me it's because I'm not good enough." The criticism, though constructive, becomes the sad excuse I use to distance myself. It was once a survival mechanism, but now it's a stumbling block. I become distant and angry, and just no fun.

Feeling good enough is something I've struggled with since I was a kid. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but that character flaw expresses itself in very childish ways sometimes (or I should say, I express myself in very childish ways). Why can't I get it through my head that I'm 26 and not 2! Yes, I know I'm small(as far as my stature goes!) but I can be bigger than that.

When someone who I don't know very well offers a bit of constructive criticism, it isn't such a big deal. I get irked, but I blow it off because I feel like I haven't lost anything. But when, say, my spouse suggests that I may need a reality check because I'm being ridiculous--then I feel it like a paper cut that's been soaked in lime juice and dipped in salt water.

I'm going to be honest. I value sincere relationships. I really don't like being fake or making it seem like I have a perfect life, or a perfect anything. But on that same note, there are only a few people I am very close to. Mostly, because of this insecurity I have. Jose and I were very open and sincere with each other when we were dating, and we still are. I love how that kind of sincerity led to our marriage. But with sincerity comes the honest truth, and the tearing off of the bandaids. Open wounds and honest truth--now that's like chili on a gaping wound, not a paper cut.

I'll say it again. I was meant to get married. I enjoy the emotional intimacy, and I know that I wouldn't have this kind of opportunity to grow in any other relationship, with anyone else. It's often said that some folks get married with the false belief they'll find completion in their spouse. I didn't give into that way of thinking; I felt complete before getting married. However, what I didn't quite grasp before marriage was that I'd only come to know myself completely with the help of this certain help mate, the one I was meant to marry.

This certain someone (Jose :) would do that by simply (or not so simply) living out his vows, and going the extra mile. Just because we love our spouse "for better or for worse" doesn't mean that we have to stop there. When they are at their worst, the sincerity of our godly love and unconditional companionship should encourage them to go from worse, to better, to best.

I know I'm with the one because I'm learning what it means to be at my best, with him and because of him.

Colors

2011-01-15T12:26:00.007-05:00

Though white, clean spaces are relaxing to the senses, I'm starting to question whether a white/cream theme in my [dream!] home would really be all that "homey" for us. There's something cozy about color.

Maybe it's the relief it brings. Like, who cares if you have a kiddo running through the house with muddy shoes on. Sure you can clean it up afterward, but at least you don't have to worry about missing a spot. Then there's color therapy, right? Certain colors make us feel a certain way.

And flowers. They don't have to match the colors in the rest of the room. Their presence alone brings hope...on rainy days of all kinds. Toys all over the floor? Who cares. There are flowers on the kitchen table, it's gonna be ok. LOVE flowers. I also love how they're used in these rooms. My [dream] home will have flowers in every room :); wild flowers during the summer months, and bouquets during the winter months.

I really like these rooms for different reasons. Found them on Skona Hem (and check out that beautiful cabin when you click the link!).

The Worst Blizzard

2011-01-13T08:04:00.005-05:00

That's a picture of the street we parked our car on. As you can see, some of the trees fell over thanks to yesterday's blizzard. But that was the least of our worries, as we were notified that a transformer went down at 1PM.

The electricity wasn't restored until around 4AM!

We didn't have ANY HEAT. It was one of the worst experiences we've had so far here in MA. We went grocery shopping the night before to stock up on food before the storm, so we had to put our perishables out on our porch so they wouldn't go bad.

We survived on 4 candles and 3 layers of clothing; I haven't showered (yuck), and feel pretty gross. Jose ate fruits and nuts for dinner, and a can of sardines (eww! :P). I was able to order food (thankfully!). Gonna go shower... I could really use some sunshine right about now; maybe I should invest in one of those happy lights?

...Sometimes I forget

2011-01-12T09:21:00.002-05:00

I accidentally missed the OB appointment that I mentioned awhile back. Yep, just outright forgot. Which is really funny, considering a little over a year ago I wouldn't have dared to miss such an appointment. It was scheduled during the time we were all sick; we were so caught up in just trying to feel better that it simply slipped my mind. I finally got around to rescheduling yesterday; it's set for Monday the 31st.

I guess I'm not as excited about going this time because I have an idea of what they're going to tell me: that I need to wait before I can take any meds, since my body is in somewhat of a dormant state, and I'm still EBFing Mirabel (even at night, that girl loves her midnight snack--or snacks :P!).

I've been doing some research. It seems that what might've happened with Clomid the last time is that I O'd late. So I'm wondering if maybe I can take a few trigger shots (HCG shots), so that I don't have to sit around twiddling my thumbs. I really don't want to take a higher dose of Clomid, considering how bad the migraines were the last time I took it (before Mirabel). Oh, the speculations. I really don't like this part. Which is why I'm setting some rules for myself this time. I'm not going to do more than 3 rounds, and I won't do anything invasive; no IVF, no ovarian drilling (what I'd considered before). It's just not necessary.

In the end, I just want more children. How God brings them to us is up to him. Who am I to request a date or method of delivery? Saying this brings me a sense of relief. Knowing we will adopt also gives me a lot of hope. Why? Because I know that if the infertility treatment doesn't work, there will still be someone who needs a mom and I'd be happy to fill that need. Of course, that it is a lot easier to say now that we have Mirabel. But that doesn't mean we're done and that God is done answering our prayers for children.

Also, if I'm going to invest a ton of emotional energy into researching the many ways we can add to our family, I'd rather investigate the option that leads to better (more certain) outcomes. So if we don't have a due date within these next 2 years, we will just adopt earlier than we initially thought. Like I said, that doesn't really mean I'm putting a timeframe on all of this. If God decides to bring another little one into our lives at some unexpected time, in some miraculous way, we certainly wouldn't protest :). Honestly, the more the merrier...up to about 5 (my last name isn't Duggar, after all ;).

Seven point five

2011-01-10T19:26:00.001-05:00

Playing house

2011-01-08T18:09:00.007-05:00

We're snowed in (kind of) again...during these cold dreary days when we can't go outside, and it's a lazy Saturday, we spend time planning or cleaning. We were hoping to clean out our storage unit this weekend, but our car doesn't drive too well on snowy roads. So we did some planning today instead, mostly dreaming, really :).

We are going to rent for awhile when we move back to Austin so that we can save up for a down payment, but we still like to look at homes that are available and think about what we'd like. I really like the homes below, especially the first one. Some things are a bit dated, but I really love the light, the built in shelves, the open spaces, covered patio area (perfect for those summer afternoons when there are mosquitos out). All in all, it's a cute house, I have to admit I kind of like the pink walls too ;). But I also really like the color and outside style/look of the second blue house (second set of snap shots).

This is the second blue house:

I like the kitchen of this third house:

Now that I have a little girl...

2011-01-05T16:41:00.004-05:00

I've been a fan of the Sanrio crew since I was a kiddo. Growing up in Southern California (I spent the first 9 years of my life there), I was surrounded by Hello Kitty and her pals (I'm very thankful to my young group of friends for introducing me to them).

Between the ages of 5 and 7, I lived two blocks away from a shopping center that included a Japanese bakery called Mikawaya, a grocery store formerly called Meiji Market, and a Sanrio Surprise (oh yes, and I was also about a mile away from the King's Hawaiian Bread headquarters!). My grandma and I used to go there all the time for fresh fish; my mom and I used to bike ride there on sunny Saturday afternoons. We'd be sure to stop by the Sanrio store so I could pick up a grab bag, or some over priced (but seriously cute) My Melody or Little Twin Stars mechanical pencils, for my matching plastic and probably pink pencil case (with an equally cute Sanrio character featured on the lid).

So many positive associations with these fun characters which is why I can't seem to let them go, even though I'm pushing 27.

But I don't have an excuse for Calico Critters.

And I didn't discover these Sugar Bunnies until high school/college (part of the Sanrio crew, possibly San-X). Doesn't this video have an Amelie twist to it? :)

Now that I have a little girl, I can use her as my reason for purchasing over-the-top girlie/kiddish items like these that I (yep, that would be me) just can't seem to outgrow ;).

Are there any cartoons or collectible items from your childhood that you don't want to outgrow either?

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T20:13:00.002-05:00

2010 was definitely one of the best years of my life, for many reasons. But, of course, a certain cute and captivating almost-8-month old little girl has a whole lot to do with it.

May your new year be blessed and filled with more love than you know what to do with (is that really possible? :).

3rd Anniversary :)

2010-12-30T18:13:00.005-05:00

We don't get very much sunshine around these parts, these days. But today was an especially sunny day, in every aspect. We celebrated our 3rd year as Mr. and Mrs. A, with our new addition dressed in a new pink outfit (that we picked up from Costco yesterday after signing up for our first membership :).

But before we embarked on our special day's adventure (aka taking a trip to a very delicious and local gluten free bakery, and dropping by a scrumptious bbq place to pick up our dinner), Jose and I exchanged gifts. I received the beautiful flowers above, along with a dark chocolate Toblerone (one of Jose's first dating gifts to me).

I loooove sunflowers (which is why he included those sunny golden flowers above), but roses are an important part of our special day, so Jose included them in the bouquet. He said the color combo reminded him of love and sunshine, and I agree. Roses are special to quite a few people, but a poem about them was included in a portion of wedding vows.

I like giving homemade gifts, but I wanted to give Jose something relevant to our anniversary. This gift didn't require much making, and I'd been wanting to do it for awhile now...

We wrote a portion of our vows; I finally got a chance to print and frame them. Jose's vows to me are on the left, my vows to him are on the right. The middle picture is pretty familiar, isn't it? ;) I had to laugh when I was putting this together. Take a look, my vows are about twice as long as Jose's. I just read a few days ago that women utter quite a few more words than men on a daily basis. I think that definitely applies to our marriage! :D

Jose thought of a fun anniversary idea. He said that, starting this year, we should record a "state of the union" meeting. He said we should discuss the high and low points of the year, so that we can watch the videos every year on our anniversary to see how we've grown as a couple. I love that idea!

More Than 100 Reasons

2010-12-28T08:39:00.007-05:00

Yesterday I came across something I really could not relate to.

I don't want to post the link here. I realize that people have a right to express themselves however they want, and I am thankful for that freedom. I also realize that there are some folks who really do not want children, and that is fine too. Because, honestly, there would be many more unhappy people in this world if more children were born to parents who didn't want them.

I'm not promoting anything (political) by saying that. In fact, if you check out my other blog posts, you'll understand my views on everything from family to children. But I still couldn't help but feel a bit put-off by the many claims made in that blog entry. How can anyone confidently make a list of 100 things that they like about never having a child, if they've never had one? They listed everything from having more money, to having a better marriage.

The irony of it all is this: I've found that my life and heart are both richer after having Mirabel. I've also fallen even more in love with Jose after having Mirabel. I've seen how he loves on her, and it just makes my heart melt. No, it certainly isn't always easy being a mom (or dad), but let me tell you, it is so worth it.

I could go through that list and literally offer a rebuttal for every claim. After reading it, I realized that I certainly have more than 100 reasons why I LOVE being a mother. There are definitely more than 100 things I love about Mirabel, too.

Instead of responding to that blog post, I chose to write a poem for Mirabel. True love of any kind can't be captured in a list, or even a poem. But this is just an outline, really. Kind of like what results when you attempt to trace a detailed painting. Anyway, here it is...

If I had to limit myself to 100 things or reasons,
I would take a lesson from God and run my fingers through the wispy strands of hair on your head, and try to count them
but then
I would miss the fine hairs on your ears
and the tiny creases on the soles of your feet, and their softness:
what walking around barefoot on the sand, or the dirt, or on uneven sidewalks will take away.

But I digress. 100 things...

I had to wait ten seconds for the test results, then I was certain you'd be mine. And in the split second following those ten, before you even had 10 fingers and 10 toes, I already had 100 reasons.

Time has always been the thief; memory its rival. But the minute you were born, I realized it was on my side, that only you could steal the better part of me (my heart), and that I'd formed a memory I'd never have to struggle to keep.

No, my freedom has not been taken from me. Instead, it was given to me after 40 long weeks, when I learned to put myself second. I gained a greater understanding of true beauty, then.

I have not lost myself. I have only lost what I never wanted anyway, the part of me that was afraid of loving this much.

As a result, I have far more than 100 reasons.

The weather outside is frightful

2010-12-27T13:48:00.005-05:00

...that lonely tree is our Christmas tree. We put him on our porch after deciding, on the day after Christmas, that we needed the space in our living room. Maybe I should crochet him a sweater? ;) Mirabel seems to be enjoying the view from inside.

Snowed in

2010-12-27T12:08:00.003-05:00

Right now...
We are snowed in! For the past 2 days, we've been restless, stuck inside.
BUT we are enjoying our time together. We've taken naps, watched movies, eaten good food, played with new toys, messed around with our (aka my) blog, changed the title...and why the title change? I've always thought homes with white picket fences in front were cute. We don't own a house, and we are always moving around, so this is our pseudo online home :). Behind the picket fence = what goes on in our lives (no surprise there). A new title for the new year. And a new header for the new season.

I'll be back with pictures of the blizzard. Yep, if you look up the weather in the Boston area, it'll say "blizzard". Our last blizzard, perhaps?

Feeling joyful...and festive :)

2010-12-23T17:14:00.008-05:00

Finally...I'm out of bed and cooking! Actually, just roasting some veggies, but it feels good to be back in the game. It looks like our first Christmas will be an enjoyable one after all.

Notice those 2 new ornaments? Well, the little snowman isn't new. I gave him to Jose last year (and he isn't hanging by a noose ;). The footprint? That's Mirabel's. We picked up a "baby's first Christmas ornament" right after Halloween. I think it was initially intended for a newborn's footprint, but I'm so glad hers still fits in the frame :). And the two people in the background? They're the presents too big to fit under the tree, gifts that keep on giving (and I'm not just referring to Mirabel and her diapers :P).

On another note, here's a nice poem someone shared recently. I think it's sweet and wanted to share it with you all.

Today I dined with great saints of the Lord. I cleaned their faces and washed their hands.
Today I tied the shoes of great warriors. Those who will defend truth and rely on His joy to be their strength.
Today I ministered to royalty. I dried tears and whispered truth in young ears.
Today I worshiped with the pure in heart. We danced unashamed; in awe of our creator.
Today I am blessed to be a mom. Capturing each moment, enjoying every giggle, and shepherding these gifts.
-Author Unknown

Venting: Sometimes I feel like I'm failing this test

2010-12-21T08:45:00.003-05:00

How do people with multiple children survive when they are ALL sick? I just don't know, but I want what they've got. I think I've probably got to start doing a lot more praying, and a lot less relying on my own personal strength. I really don't have too much of that these days. Jose started out sick, and he is still hacking away at night unable to sleep. Then Mirabel got sick, and that was much worse. I felt so bad for her, she just refused to sleep. Now she is better, but is still waking up with cough attacks at night. Then Friday night (thankfully I'm the last one), I was shivering for a few hours, then sweating up a storm. I was hoping to sleep since Mirabel was having a good night, but a fever kept me up. I had bodyaches, sore throat, and a fever for 2 days. Then I got the congestion and 2 migraines. I had a feeling I was getting a sinus infection because of how much strange looking phlegm I was hacking up (sorry for the graphic description)! I went to the doc and he said he wasn't sure if it was a sinus infection or virus, so he said to just hold on to the meds until I got worse. Well, fast forward 2 hours past the doc appointment and my fever goes up to 101.6 (and it was my 4th day with a fever). It hasn't been that high this whole time. So I decided I probably have an infection. All night I've had a fever, and Mirabel decided she wanted to wake up 5 times to eat. She is not very happy these days. She loves her dad, but I think she knows something is up with me. She starts crying when she's with him and then she stops when I hold her. But I'm shivering cold most of the time, coughing, or blowing my nose so it's not easy to console her, or carry her around when I'm exhausted myself. Thankfully, Jose is done with his finals so he can help out more, but he is working on a probono project, so he'll be gone half the day today :/. I worry about how much motrin/tylenol I'm taking because I know it goes to the baby, but I'm only able to take care of Mirabel when I'm not feverish (it's one of those fevers that makes you want to hide under 10 layers of blankets, and even that's not enough). These antibiotics should start working soon, though. I just pray I don't get bronchitis again. I don't have the best lungs, thanks to asthma, and I usually end up on steroids when I get sick like this. Again, I'm more worried about Mirabel ingesting it. They say it's safe to take when BFing, but c'mon, there is no such thing as benign medication :(. I hope this is all over before Christmas!

On a positive note, it started snowing yesterday! Just in time for Christmas. It's beautiful outside!

The best part about Christmas

2010-12-19T21:29:00.001-05:00

My cousin posted this link on her FB feed and I really enjoyed reading it. Wanted to share with you all. Can't help but feel proud to be a human being after reading that :).

Lovely poem

2010-12-17T09:01:00.005-05:00

It was a rough night last night, actually the past 2 nights have been rough. Poor Mirabel got her dad's bad cold and, with a fever that wouldn't break and a stuffy nose, she refused to sleep. She literally only slept 3 hours in a 24 hour period. Thankfully, her dad, seeing how tired I was, stayed up and held her upright for 4 hours so I could get some rest. AND the poor guy is in the middle of finals; he's yet to start studying for the toughest one that's on Monday.

This may sound silly, but even though times like this are stressful and would've probably made us argue before Mirabel was born, we are closer now that she is here precisely because of these moments, and in the toughest part of these moments. Instead of getting impatient at 2 AM because we're both sleep-deprived, we laugh and dance around in our PJs with dried baby boogers on our clothes, spit up in our bed (actually, mine and Mirabel's bed ;) and just pray that we maintain a tiny bit of our sanity. Instead of worrying about his Corporate Finance final on Monday and getting upset about how he has to sleep so he can study, Jose grabs Mirabel and lets me sleep. No complaints are made, all signs of frustration and concern are non-existent. For 4 hours, he does nothing but tenderly hold his baby in his arms. He can't sleep, because he doesn't want to drop her, I'm sure; he also isn't nearly alert enough to study. But he takes it like a mature, loving, selfless adult; a truly respectable man of God.

I don't know if it's the sleep-deprivation or if I'm just the cheesy, sentimental type. I think it's probably the latter, but I really enjoyed the poem below and wanted to share it with you all...

This poem goes out to the awesome Dads as much as it goes out to loving Moms, biological and spiritual. This is for all of you. I found it on this site. Enjoy.

For All Mothers

This is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at soccer games instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see my goal?" They could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick children in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."

This is for all the mothers of Kosovo who fled in the night and can't find their children. This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see and for the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes and for all the mothers who don't.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleeping to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying?

I think so.

So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again, "Just one more time".

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their kids in grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like a tired two year old who wants ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started to school and for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

For all the mothers who bite their lips (sometimes until they bleed) when their 14 year olds dyed their hair green.

This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.

This is for all mothers who show at work with spit-up in their hair and milkstains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

This is for mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home or are grown.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and who can't find words to reach them.

This is for all the mothers who sent their child to school with a stomach ache, assuring that they would be just FINE once they got there, only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.

This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working moms and stay-at-home moms. Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money and mothers without.
This is for you, so hang in there. The world would be a terrible place without the love of mothers everywhere. You make it a more civil, caring and safe place for the precious children in our world.
Author Unknown

My hope for 2011 (Here we go again...)

2010-12-13T18:52:00.003-05:00

I did it. I got a referral to see my OB (because we need referrals for that here), and I'm going to talk about my "options" during my up and coming appointment. I realize at this point I don't have many, since Mirabel is still nursing around the clock, and biology is complicated...but I think she'll be weaned by 1. So what's my hope for 2011? A positive pregnancy test.

I knew I wanted my kids to be close in age, but I didn't realize I'd want another one this soon. It is tough sometimes, especially since I still haven't slept through the night in almost 7 months, but I've gotten used to it. She is getting 4 teeth on top and another on the bottom; I feel like I'm losing my little baby :(.

Believe it or not, Jose has also been asking me when we're going to have another one because he also wants another one already!

I have no idea how long it's going to take, and I really don't even know what'll work the second time around. 3 rounds of Clomid didn't do anything the first time around...or maybe it did, but I didn't get a positive test until a month and a half after taking my last pill.

Even though it'll be a bit of a rollercoaster, I know it'll be easier this time around. I already have the one thing I've always wanted. The rest is just icing on the cake, and of course I'll love them equally, but it's still different this time.

Feeling Hopeful

2010-12-11T11:45:00.002-05:00

Though I used to often wonder as a kid what it'd be like to have parents whose marriage wasn't destroyed by alcoholism and mental illness (things my dad struggled with when I was younger), the holidays were the one time I was usually pretty content with what I had, as far as family was concerned. I spent the early part of my life surrounded by extended family, so I wasn't unhappy.

What's odd is, now that I have a family of my own, sometimes I go back to wondering what it'd be like to go home to that kind of ideal place: where my mom and dad would be there together to welcome all of us , including their new grandchild. But we live in a broken world, so when I'm ungrateful and have unrealistic hopes, I try to change the way I think and hope for less selfish things that are more important. Thankfully, those hopes aren't impossible ones.

My dad has been sober for quite a few years now. It hasn't been easy for him, though, which is why I now respect him for staying away from alcohol and drugs. It wasn't always this way, hence my use of the word now. When I was younger, I didn't realize how much my dad struggled. Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia aren't terms that most 7 year olds are familiar with (at least I wasn't). So I just chalked it all up to him not loving my mom or me enough, but at 26, I realize that's far from the truth.

I just got off the phone with my dad, and though he didn't outright say it, I know he is better.
His tone of voice gives it away. When he was struggling earlier, refusing any medical or emotional help, he sounded broken. I admit, it was tough to talk to him because I wanted him to be happy. I'm not the type of person who can easily cut themselves off emotionally--so I felt what he felt, just not to the extent that he felt it. To me, being happy seemed so simple, but I don't have what he has. I also haven't lost what he did, a wife and child.

My father has come a long way. He hit rock bottom when my parents divorced, and I didn't know that until my aunt explained the situation a few years ago. Though he is still healing and can't work because of his mental state, I've been able to witness his progress from across the miles. Becoming a grandpa brought happiness back into his life, too.

It may sound silly to the average person, but just hearing my dad talk about putting up Christmas lights at my grandparent's house, or decorating his Christmas tree, really brightened my spirits this morning and did for me what going "home" does for a person who comes from a non-broken family. My heart is warmed when I hear joy and hope in his voice because I know that he is very familiar with sadness. This is one of the things that makes me feel hopeful and content this Christmas season.

First Santa pic

2010-12-05T18:23:00.003-05:00

Mirabel loves people...BUT she sometimes freaks out when someone else holds her. This is why I expected the "posing with Santa" pics to turn out a bit sour. We were wrong! The girl was pretty fussy the entire time we were in line earlier this afternoon, but as soon as it was her turn to shine, she did just that. I'm not sure if she just loves being on camera, if she thought our attempts at making her laugh were pathetic (so she smiled out of pity for us), or if she really liked jolly ol' Santa, but we got a smile! A big toothy grin.

Sidenote: Now, this picture might look a little funny (thanks to me). At first I completely forgot to add something for Santa to sit on. I realized he was squatting in the air, which looked pretty strange, so I added a chair. Jose thinks the chair looks weird, but I think the Santa squatting in mid-air looks more odd. :P

Freebies

2010-12-02T19:48:00.003-05:00

I love free stuff. I'm no longer a college student, but I still do a little dance when I see the word "free", especially when food is involved. No food today, but lots of free cute/crafty stuff from other sites! Just as good, maybe? I think so :).

Christmas images for scrapping can be found here
Free fonts can be found here
Free December desktop that can be personalized to feature your favorite photos can be found here

He's probably right...

2010-12-01T19:20:00.002-05:00

We decorated the house (or our apartment, we moved back in yesterday) for Christmas. I, of course, felt that the blog should reflect the holiday. :D Jose believes I have a record for the amount of times a blogger can change their layout...he's probably right. Please bear with me :P. Thanks!!!

Mirabel dancing

2010-12-01T09:17:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T07:49:00.008-05:00

A few days ago we celebrated our last Thanksgiving as a law student couple, away from family, here in chilly Boston. The trees in our neighborhood are looking a little cold themselves, as they've shed most of their leaves. I can smell the snow coming. And soon we'll be celebrating our last white Christmas, it's bittersweet but mostly sweet.

Like every other year, Jose and I decided to stay here for Thanksgiving. Sometimes it can get a little lonely during the holiday season, when it seems like everyone is traveling to visit loved ones, but this year we really couldn't complain.

Two days before Thanksgiving, our new sitter was supposed to come over to watch Mirabel so I could cook. As a result of some unfortunate miscommunication, she ended up not coming. So Jose played babysitter that day, and I'm so glad he did because I couldn't have done it without him. We celebrated our first Thanksgiving completely together on Wednesday night. I don't want to say that it's our first official family Thanksgiving, because we were a family before then, but now we feel more complete. While I was sitting on the living room couch waiting for the ham to finish warming up, it occurred to me that even if we're not able to have any more children, I am very content with what we have, or I should say with who we had at our table this year.

...And I guess I shouldn't say table, since we had to celebrate Thanksgiving outside of our real home this year, and we didn't exactly sit at a table for dinner. We live in one of the university's oldest grad student apartments, and just a few weeks ago they checked our place for lead. Apparently, our apartment wasn't de-leaded properly, so they decided to go forward with the process the week of Thanksgiving. Harvard has a few extra furnished units so they put us up in one for the time being. I guess they don't expect students to eat, because they gave us everything except for a kitchen table :P. So we enjoyed our Thanksgiving dinner on the living room floor, watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and taking turns stuffing our faces with one hand and holding Mirabel with the other. She is normally pretty giggly, but that night I caught her laughing at a TV character for the first time; she laughed out loud during the scene when Chevy Chase falls through the floor of his attic while wearing an eclectic outfit and tearing up over old family videos. It was cute.

Thanksgiving morning, we watched the parade, and Mirabel got a kick out of the Rockettes. She has so much energy, I think she wanted to join them. For lunch, we had turkey sandwiches with stuffing, and I was able to enjoy a gluten-free turkey/cranberry sauce/mashed potato sandwich for the first time, thanks to Udi's delicious gluten-free bread (they didn't pay me to say that, promise ;).

A friend invited us over for a Thanksgiving potluck, so that's where we celebrated the evening of Thanksgiving. It was a lot of fun, and we enjoyed stuffing our faces even more then. It was nice to celebrate with friends, since our family had their own celebration back in Texas and we couldn't join them. After the potluck, we came home; Mirabel and I watched the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving movie while Jose sat next to us glued to his laptop, watching UT lose (yet again) to Texas A&M (sadness for us!).

Most years, Thanksgiving comes and goes and I'm left a little sad when it's all over and done with. It's easy to go back into work mode and forget about the things we were thankful for just the day before. 2 days have passed and I'm still feeling thankful this time around.

Finding the right balance

2010-11-20T08:27:00.006-05:00

This summer Jose started sleeping on the couch so that he wouldn't be tired for his internships, since Mirabel was waking up quite a bit. She still isn't sleeping through the night, but on the weekends in the past he would sleep in our room and was actually able to sleep through Mirabel's wakeful periods. Now he's sleeping on the couch because it's so hot in our apartment from the radiators, and his body heat makes me even hotter. Sounds funny, but I've gotten used to having the bed to myself. I feel really bad about this, so last night I didn't tell him anything until almost 1 in the morning, when I'd been laying there for 3 hours unable to sleep because I was so hot. He ended up sleeping in the living room again.

This wouldn't be an issue if I was averaging more than 4 hours a night, but lately (I think it's due to a growth spurt) there's no such thing as a good night's sleep. That's actually been the case for 6 months, but it's just now taking a toll, with migraines and exhaustion. There are days I feel too tired come 6 PM, when Mirabel is also starting to get sleepy and wants to be carried around for the remainder of the evening. The other issue is work. Yes, working from home is definitely nice, but I mostly work during nap times, so I'm pretty much going, going, going all day and all night. I'm a food blogger for a company; I have my own personal food blog, but I also blog every day on another site. I cook quite a bit, that's my work. I love cooking, so I can't complain. But lately I've had to resort to cooking with a baby on my back...which is definitely not safe. So I'm looking into getting a part-time sitter to watch Mirabel while I cook so that I can sit down and take a break while she's napping.

But this isn't easy, for many reasons. Before Mirabel was born, I had my own idea of what it meant to be a successful mother. I thought I could easily balance it all without a problem. I have to be honest, when I am well-rested it all seems very doable. But the days are a lot longer and seem a lot harder when sleep-deprivation takes its toll. I've done some reading, and the doctor even suggested that I try the cry-it-out approach. But I can't do that. For Mirabel and myself, it just isn't the right thing to do. I think when she can talk I can certainly leave her alone and let her put herself back to sleep, because at that point I'll be able to reason with her a bit. But she is a very emotional/passionate baby right now, and I can see how her personality clearly changes after a bout of crying. She only cries inconsolably in the car seat; she is a very happy baby who spends more time smiling and laughing than whining and crying. That's why I don't think the cry it out method is for us.

This is why I'm willing to ask for help now. I realize now that I can't work, keep up the house, and be a mom without some help at least. I'm mad at myself for feeling guilty about this, because I know I shouldn't. A part of me feels that I should be stronger, suck it up, and just roll with the punches. But I'm struggling, and that's ok. One reason why I'm having such a hard time hiring someone is because I'm concerned about letting someone who doesn't love my child take care of my child. That sounds over-protective, but I've been hearing quite a few terrible stories about sitters who seemed legit, until the child they were caring for suddenly had to be rushed to the hospital because of something careless or heartless done to them. I know that the chances of that happening to us are slim, considering many kids (including myself) have/had sitters and are happy/healthy...but now that I have this baby that I wanted so badly, I'm finding it hard to let go. And I'm wondering if I'm just using my concerns as an excuse to not let go? I'll stop psychoanalyzing myself for now, but I'm just trying to understand where I'm coming from (funny as that sounds) because I don't make very much sense to myself these days.

But this is the reality: I'm trying to be the main breadwinner (at least until Jose graduates), the mom, and the housekeeper while waking 3-5 times a night. Eventually, something's gonna give, whether it's my health, job, or sanity...I haven't failed, I'm just a human being. Ok, I think I feel a little better after this self-talk. If you're still reading, bless your heart and thank you for hearing me out! :)

My little girl's growing up! Almost 6 months...

2010-11-10T15:12:00.004-05:00

"You know you're a busy mom when you look forward to 'relaxing' on the dentist's chair while they're filling 2 cavities at once." That's how I jokingly responded to Jose when he asked how I felt about going to the dentist, a few hours before my appointment yesterday.

Of course, "relaxing" is the last word I could use to describe how I felt when I actually got to the office. I was a little nuts. The last time I left Mirabel alone was about 4 months ago, and that was just for 15 minutes. All hell broke loose, she screamed her head off and Jose had a panic attack. I wasn't worried at all about the pain from the fillings; in fact, I asked if I HAD to get Novocain shots, because I was doing everything I could to speed up the process and I figured the injections would slow it down. I know, I'm nuts. Surprisingly, they ended up giving me 4 shots, despite my efforts. And, coincidentally, the day I leave Mirabel alone with her dad is the day that they are running 1/2 hour behind. So I ended up spending 2.5 hours out of the house!

Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Mirabel had fun with her dad. I left her a little bit of milk, and...this is where it gets exciting: She DRANK out of a bottle! I kid you not. This means I might actually get to go on a date with my husband soon! For the first time in 6 months!

I have to admit, I am a little sad. Mirabel is at the age where she loves to play rough. Jose tickles her and she loves it, he bounces her on his knee, and rough-houses with her (in a baby-safe way, of course). I'm the more mellow mom. I just feed her and occasionally tickle her, and read to her, that sort of thing. But my little baby is growing up. She doesn't need her mom that much anymore. That makes me happy and sad at the same time :(.

What I wish someone would've told me

2010-11-04T15:41:00.004-04:00

A friend posted this on Facebook. Interesting title. I had to check it out. What caught my attention was the word "success" in the same line as "breastfeeding". I'll be the first to tell you that I didn't feel very successful at all the first 6 weeks. This post is dedicated to all the soon-to-be moms who plan on breastfeeding, and moms that are scared of it, or even people who think it's strange. It's also dedicated to those who think it's completely natural (which it is), so it should come naturally and with ease.

Before I had Mirabel, I belonged to that last category. I figured it had to be easy. If kangaroos could do it without any problem, why couldn't I? But no one told me about the pain! And how it would make me jump off the couch like a kangaroo! The similarities end there; I certainly couldn't breastfeed as easily as one! For some it isn't so bad, for me it was horrendous. I think that's an understatement. I didn't post the entire experience on here, because I didn't want to just focus on how bad it was. But now that I'm over that hump, I'll explain all the obstacles. I honestly feel like I can do anything now!

If you're not a fan of TMI, then don't read on. You can't say I didn't warn you! But I have no problem discussing this openly. In fact, I wish more people had discussed it with me this openly beforehand, so I'd know what to expect... Books just weren't enough.

Chapter I: Oh, Colostrum!

I remember it. Thick and almost syrupy, but more opaque. It can cure any ailment, right?! ;) I remember only pumping 2 ounces and being oh-so proud! I was shocked that my body could even produce anything. I made sure none of it went to waste; I worked hard for every single drop!

And that massive breastpump. I have to be honest, it intimidated me. The plastic from the shileds irritated me so much that I had to lather them in lanolin and wrap tissues around myself before using it! I can look back and laugh now. I still pronounce Medela wrong, probably from the trauma ;).

Now on to the story...

Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to feed Mirabel right after she was born because they whisked her away to the NICU. I was sad, but I figured I'd be able to feed her later that day. I was wrong. Because she wasn't breathing very well on her own, they said I wouldn't be allowed to feed her at all that day :*(. Poor little 6 pound tiny baby wasn't allowed to eat, and my body wasn't making very much anyway. So from the beginning, it was a struggle.

Finally the second day I was allowed to feed her. But the nurses had already given her formula. I was bothered at first, then I was told she had jaundice so they had to push fluids. At that point I thought she would inevitably be a formula fed baby, because I still wasn't producing milk and the baby needed fluids and food. She was so tiny and looked so helpless, I just wanted her to eat. Again, I felt like a failure.

Let me just pause here to say this: If you formula fed/formula feed your baby, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Your baby will still be a genius! I know many grown adults who were formula fed and scored much higher on the SAT than I did, and I was breastfed until age 2 ;).

Also, a lot of breastfeeding moms use formula at one point or another. I supplemented quite a bit in the beginning, because I would literally cry from the pain of breastfeeding. The only reason why I didn't give up was for personal reasons. The pain was an obstacle I was determined to overcome. Anyhow, everyone has their reasons, so please don't see this as a condescending post from another breastfeeding warrior. I understand. Been there, done that. And yes, I did take home the free formula from the hospital, and I even happily accepted the formula that the doctor gave me later on. Not ashamed.

One thing I've learned is that pain thresholds differ from person to person. For instance, I thought I was going to have a drug-free labor/delivery. I didn't. AT ALL. And guess what? I don't regret that in the least bit. After 21 hours of labor and 2 tears, I'm glad I got that dang needle in my back. In fact, I plan on asking for it as soon as possible, when the second one comes around. Mirabel is fine and so am I.

Then again, some women are able to birth their children without an epidural. I'm very happy for them. My mom did it with me and she was in labor for days. I don't know how she did it; I've come to conclude that it's possible my mom can tolerate pain better than I can. That doesn't make any of us inferior, it makes us individuals.

And for the record, I did try. I bought a $150 Hypnobabies CD, for Pete's sake. Every.Single.Day I practiced my hypnosis techniques. I devoted an hour to it on a daily basis, no lie. But when the time came for this baby to come out, self-hypnosis just wasn't enough. I didn't even feel the needle go into my back at all. The epidural only worked on half of my body and they didn't give it to me until the last 45 minutes (because my doctor was terrible), but I'm still glad I got it. I actually got to enjoy pushing Mirabel out. Maybe enjoy isn't the word, since I felt like puking pretty badly, but at least I wasn't in pain!

Chapter II: I wish they made epidural for THIS kind of pain...

I have to agree with one of the doctors I met with after I had Mirabel when she said that next to childbirth, breastfeeding can cause some of the worst physical pain a woman will experience. I went back to see that doctor 3 times. Each time for a different prescription for the pain. No, not pain meds, let me explain. Because Mirabel and I had to be on 2 doses of antibiotics before leaving the hospital, I was convinced yeast was the culprit. Who knew you could get a yeast infection up there? You can. After taking a dose of diflucan and still experiencing quite a bit of pain, I knew that wasn't it. Then the doc told me that I might have an infection, maybe mastitis, but I didn't have a fever. Then she said it could be MRSA and a yeast infection. Goodie. I made an appointment with an infectious diseases doctor, and later canceled because I decided that the doc was as clueless as I was.

I then spoke with 3 different lactation consultants. They all were convinced it was a latching issue, until I showed them my skillz :D. Then they thought Mirabel was tongue-tied, but that wasn't it. Then they thought I had raynauds! I knew it wasn't that, so I returned the $250 breast pump I purchased and bought another one, because I thought maybe the suction was too strong. Gosh, folks, the list really goes on from there. That list grew and grew for six weeks, until one day I happened to notice that I was no longer cringing during Mirabel's feeds! One of the best days of my life!

Chapter III: What does THIS little (or not so little) GIRL EAT?!!

I said goodbye to the formula. Eventually the breastpump found a home under my bed, and it's covered in dust now because I don't use it much these days. And that lovely nurse from a certain breastfeeding league who rudely chided me, then told me that my supply would go down because I was supplementing with formula? To her I say this: My daughter is in the 95th percentile for height and weight. She is bigger than all the babies her age that I've met so far. People actually ask me what I feed her. I smile, knowing the long story behind my breastfeeding experience, and I just say...MILK. My MILK. I feel like a superhero, people. I feel so good that my body can produce enough milk to feed my gentle giant of a baby! :) I call her Cuddles for a reason. I'm so glad I stuck to it!

Stick to it if you can! If you can't, don't feel bad. Breastfeeding, next to childbirth, is the hardest thing I've ever done. Even though I gave my daughter formula and took home the stash that they gave me at the hospital, I still consider our story a successful one--even if others don't.

Eating-posted for family :)

2010-11-04T12:03:00.002-04:00

Creativity and motherhood

2010-10-29T14:13:00.005-04:00

This time last year, I was busy crafting away, crocheting this and that--preparing for the little one's arrival. Things are quite different this year. My hands are usually pretty occupied holding a little girl; tickling her pudgy feet; twirling her hair between my fingers; mixing up baby cereal in a little purple bowl with a matching purple spoon. I haven't touched my sewing machine in ages. I HAVE been scrapbooking, though (but, of course, I'm only scrapbooking pictures of little M these days :).

I've never enjoyed sitting still. Usually my hands are busy doing one thing or another, I think this is why I have so many blogs! It seems my daughter has taken after me in this area; she doesn't like sitting still either, or sitting down. In fact, most of the time she'd rather be standing. She has, somehow, learned how to scootch out of her bouncer, and she stiffens her legs/protests when I try to get her to sit, or when I sit while I'm holding her. This has made life quite exciting. I purchased an Ergo recently, and I have to say, it has saved my back/shoulders! She is over 20 pounds, so it was getting tough lugging her around in the sling and even the bjorn. So now you'll find me mixing flours in a bowl, in the kitchen, with little M on my back. She loves it. So long as she has something exciting to look at and I'm not standing still for too long. She's especially entertained when I dance to Christmas music while I'm preparing my baked goods, with her on my back. I walked around the mall with her like this for 3 hours!!! 3 hours!!! My calves are going to be humongous by the time she is one!

Anyway, I digress... so, as I was saying, most of the time I'm doing something with the little one. We still aren't sleeping very well, as she's starting to wake up at random hours and talk to herself, or kick me in the back when I've surrendered and let her sleep next to me. She's been a little grumpier during the daytime because of the lack of sleep, but she's becoming a better napper, which is definitely a good thing (she is not a happy baby at all when she is tired!). And when she is napping, I get a small break. I should probably take Jose's advice and nap but, of course, there are better things to do--like blog! (See where she gets her high-energy levels from! ;)

Most of the time I'm too tired to get out the craft materials and crochet/sew something exciting. I still cook because it's part of my job (...and we'd go hungry because my hubby doesn't much care for the kitchen). But other than that, I spend my "free time" just sitting down. Enjoying the silence. Blogging, even, just to get my thoughts and feelings organized.

So here I am again. Thinking and not sleeping. And it's occurred to me that even though I'm not actually crafting like before, I kind of am. I've found that motherhood requires quite a bit of creativity. Learning how to recognize the differences in tone in your child's cries, and how they relate to their different needs, requires paying serious attention to the details. Like sewing a purse, and not forgetting to back stitch (I've forgotten before!); it will fall apart if you fail to complete that simple step. And so it is with my child, or any other child for that matter. If I forget that she doesn't like being held a certain way, she will let me and the neighbors know! Such a simple thing makes such a big difference. Like the old saying goes, or at least I think it goes something like this, life is just a bunch of tiny moments sewn together. And each moment is significant. I realize that now more than ever.

Yesterday on our walk, Jose and I were talking about how significant the little things really are. Like changing diapers. I can't go out and save the world right now, because I'm occupied here at home, raising a child. Though some might view that task as a rather unimportant one, to them I say this: It ALL starts here. I get to change diapers; I am the lucky one. Not only because I never thought I'd get to change my own child's diapers, but because I get to spend that time with her. I know this doesn't make me better than anyone else, but I just want to say that it certainly counts. After a really long day, when we're both feeling icky and she smells like milk and cheese (Haha! The staple baby smell, I think), we both look forward to bath time. She relaxes in the warm water, kicks her feet around (soaking me, and by this point I'm probably already soaked with pee--since it seems she loves to pee when we're running from the changing table to the sink, where I bathe her)...she's giggling the whole time. Smile on her face says it all, as I use the washcloth to remove the little balls of lint from her little pudge creases... Yep, VISA, that is what I'd consider priceless. A moment that I can't scrapbook, or edit, or erase, like drawing a picture with a permanent marker. It's there, in time, existing as one of the best moments of my life. She may not remember that particular bath, but it's moments like these that are forming her unique collection of memories belonging to a past worth remembering: a happy childhood. And isn't that what so many unhappy adults are missing? Imagine how much better things would be if everyone had one. That's how I know this is my best [craft] project yet.

But I can't end this post without admitting my own personal gain from these experiences. Someone already said it better than I can...

The soul is healed by being with children.
-Dostoevsky-

Our last fall in New England

2010-10-28T15:25:00.002-04:00

Why we haven't been sleeping very well

2010-10-27T22:05:00.002-04:00

These sprouted the week before last, both in the same week! Finally got her to give me a nice big toothy grin :D.

Getting ready for fall with a new hat :)...

2010-10-26T21:43:00.002-04:00

Now and Then

2010-10-23T08:10:00.005-04:00

As I'm writing this post, I'm listening to baby M (she'll be referred to as that from now on ;) babble in her crib, in the room next door. I guess saying "room next door" makes it sound like we live in a place with multiple bedrooms. Don't be deceived by the lingo, our place is a little bigger than a walk-in closet. Still, I'm content with where I'm at. Also as I write this, I really really need to use the restroom, but I realize that my free time only exists when baby M is either asleep or in a good mood. But, again, don't let yourselves be deceived by that last statement; it's not meant to be received as a complaint, I am more than ok with not having much free time.

So what is this post all about? A few days ago I got a random email from blogger letting me know that my old blog received a spam comment. Funny thing is, I completely forgot about that blog. But part of the reason why I love blogging so much is that you can document your life in stages. That blog contains posts that document one of the toughest stages in my life yet. It was my pre-celiac-diagnosis blog. Gosh, there are some really sad posts in there. Not sad in the sense that I was balling my eyes out while writing the posts, but sad because I can't forget how I was physically feeling when I wrote most of those posts. I started that blog right before Jose and I got married, and stopped writing posts shortly after we got married. I was so sick that I was having a hard time working. I also had my gallbladder removed around that time, and the thought of having a child seemed like an impossible one. I knew about the PCOS, but I was more afraid of not being able to even carry a child if I somehow miraculously conceived, because I was so ill.

So here is the blog, it's called Woven With Words. I was just starting to post recipes online before ending that blog, and, as you can see, they are not gluten-free. Yep, changing my diet really did change my life for the better. I'm not spending more time in the bathroom than in other places, for one; definitely a major improvement.

Anyhow, there are other things I noticed when re-visiting that blog. At that point, we weren't sure where we were going to end up (we hadn't received all of Jose's law school acceptance letters), and we were so strapped for cash because I was only working part-time. AND, as I already mentioned, even keeping the part-time jobs was tough. We also had a lemon for a car; never buy a VW Passat. Ours had an engine that constantly had issues because it would fill with sludge; we eventually learned that that particular model had issues.

Reading the posts on that blog really, really brought to light how blessed we are these days. We have a cute, squishy little girl who greets us with a smile (and 5 pound dirty diaper :P) every morning. We've been married for almost 3 years now, and we're celebrating 5 years of togetherness this coming November. I, thankfully, have a secure job with flexible hours that allows me to work from home (total blessing at this point in my life). And I AM NOT IN PAIN ALL THE TIME! I cannot tell you how depressing it is to be in chronic pain. It's like you just can't see any glimmer of hope, because doctors don't have the answers. Thankfully, I finally came across a doctor that did have some answers.

If anyone struggling here today randomly happened to stumble upon this blog and this particular post, I'm going to tell you something: It does get better! No, sometimes not the way you want it to, or in the timing you would like, but gradually. Hanging onto hope and getting by a few prayers at a time are the way to make it. Thankfully, my diagnosis wasn't that bad--celiac disease is treatable, but even if you're struggling with something that doesn't have a quick fix or easy diagnosis...miracles do happen. I know it sounds cheesy, but the little girl I was referring to at the beginning of this post is my biggest miracle yet. Hang in there and know that you are not alone!

Farm Living is the Life for Me ;)...

2010-10-22T22:39:00.004-04:00

image from here

When Mirabel was having some digestive issues awhile ago, I started drinking goat milk, eating goat cheese and baking with goat butter. I didn't notice a difference at all, then I started noticing things got worse when I ate nuts. So I started drinking cow's milk again and things didn't change at all, until I just stopped eating nuts. I've been nut free for over a month and she is better! Who would've thought?!

It was tough being cow's-milk free, but there was one nice thing about it. I discovered that I looove chevre! It is so delicious. It's kind of like cream cheese but more yogurt like in flavor, or more cream cheesy in taste. I also like goat milk, in general. Goat yogurt is pretty tasty too. At first, the thought of drinking goat milk kind of weirded me out, but then I thought about it. That's when it occurred to me, "hey, goats are cuter than cows!". I know, not a very enlightening thought. But goat milk is awesome because it's easier to digest than cow's milk, and it is actually pretty close to human milk.

So that got me thinking. Jose and I have talked about (on an off/on basis) having a farm. Living a bit outside of the city and raising a few animals. Not a large farm. Jose really likes this idea. In fact, I once asked him what his dream job would be and he said that he'd love to be a farmer. We are both pretty ignorant to farm life, but he really enjoyed working on his garden in high school. Me? Well, I just enjoy eating the stuff that comes out of the ground ;). So I'd be happy to cook whatever he grew. And I'd love to have a goat farm and produce goat milk and goat cheese! Wouldn't that be so cool?! I know, it's late, it's been a looong week, and I haven't had much sleep these last few nights, but it's a fun thought! Had some friends over this evening and one of them grew up in a family that owned a goat farm, that's what got me thinking about it...so I'm not totally crazy ;).

And isn't that little goat so cute??

A quick note

2010-10-16T22:47:00.004-04:00

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

Stealing that quote from a friend. I don't know why, but reading it just now (in the dark with Mirabel asleep) - it makes so much sense. Yep, now more than ever. There are no words to describe how I feel about the little girl sleeping in the room across the apartment. I recently told Jose that even on my roughest days, it's never truly that bad, because I get to see her smile and laugh (and that changes EVERYTHING).

I am such a weenie. Before, when I'd hear a creak in the house, I'd freeze in my tracks. I refused to go see what the problem was. Now I respond in an instant. Anything that makes me think even just a little bit that my child is in danger gets a quick response out of me.

I always figured that becoming a parent would be a life changing event. I have to say that the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would do anything to keep that child safe from harm. I guess I just never knew that it would happen instantly. It isn't a progressive thing at all. The minute I saw the second line show up on the pregnancy test, without even thinking, I started coming last. The interesting thing is, it doesn't even feel like self-sacrifice. I can't imagine myself existing any other way. Does that make sense?

terrible no good very bad day

2010-10-12T16:11:00.003-04:00

Ever have one of THOSE days?

It's been more of a week for me...

So this morning I walked outside and saw that the front passenger window of my 6 month old car was completely broken. Someone lovely broke in and stole our GPS. Thankfully our insurance covered the window, but not the scratches left behind on the door or the GPS. This is what happens when you leave your GPS in the front window and can't afford a $1000 garage parking space in Boston.

I got a call back from the Audiology department this week. This is actually good news, but I haven't shared the bad news. The reason why I have to go in the first place is because Mirabel failed her hearing test TWICE in her left ear. The second test they did showed that she cannot pick up certain tones in her left ear. So the doctor says there is a good chance she is partially deaf in that ear. This is very sad, but thankfully she has some hearing and has enough to talk/babble. Our insurance will not pay for the $2000 hearing aid though.

The little girl is having major sleep issues. She is waking up 2-4 times a night and sometimes she'll wake up very, very early and just talk to herself. The good news is she actually isn't screaming her head off, but unfortunately she is always hungry and will eat like she's ravished. I'm thinking it's because my milk isn't enough anymore? But she only eats every 1.5 hours at most. And the thing is, she isn't eating for long periods. She gets very, very distracted...so maybe she's just making up for it at night?

I really really need to count my blessings more these days!!! It's been rough...

Almost 5 months

2010-10-08T23:05:00.002-04:00